Schizophrenia at the Schoolgate

Memoir at a new reduced price

2012-02-10T02:45:00.000-08:00

My memoir is now available at a reduced price: £1.95, down from £5.45. I don't know how long it will stay at this price for. I was hesitant to reduce the price in a way - it took me many years to write the book and I think it is worth a fiver... On the other hand, I want the book to be read and my main aim in writing it was to help other people who have suffered mental health problems to have hope for the future - hence the free promotion days every couple of weeks, when I tend to go mad on Twitter and Facebook, and all the mental health charity sites, encouraging people to take free copies.

I like self-publishing - I like not having to wait on anybody else's decisions and the control it gives me over my own work. However, I have been seriously considering getting an agent over the last few days, to free myself up from the marketing aspect of things. I hate self-publcity (although I am getting used to it).

Anyway, instead of looking for an agent right now I decided to lower the price of the book, so that hopefully things will move faster, and I won't need to do so much promotion. The lower price is for a limited time only, but I am going to see how things go, and decide my next step accordingly.

So, grab a copy, if you want one, or tell your friends if you think they might. Here'e the link: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Surviving-Schizophrenia-A-Memoir-ebook/dp/B0057P6M46

Have a good day!

Schizophrenia and Medication

2012-02-09T05:55:00.000-08:00

I am sure you will all be pleased to hear that I feel well this morning. Went to bed a bit earlier than usual, after a quiet evening in front of the TV. No dizziness today to speak of, although I still ache slightly from the fall. I have come to the conclusion that I need more rest - once I sit down at the computer I seem to grow roots, fiddling around with this and that for hours on end (rarely any extended 'real' writing these days, which might actually be relaxing). I think I have been overdoing things.

So, no need for a trip to the doctor today after all. The doctor would not have been able to tell me what I have figured out for myself - all she would have been able to do is check my blood pressure, and maybe if she was concerned she would send me off for a blood test, or if she was very, very concerned, a brain scan. I have saved myself, and at least one other person, time and trouble. And money of course - the NHS is free from the perspective of the consumer, but the lack of payment is a bit of an illusion. We all pay, sooner or later, in one way or another.

I have a good relationship with my GP. She takes my worries seriously. She knows my physical health has not always been good - my main weakness over the years has been a susceptibility to chest infections, and I have needed a lot of antibiotics to clear them up. (Of course they always returned and then needed treating again). I have also had niggling worries over the years, and every now and again I will be sent for an x-ray or a scan of some part of my body, which fortunately always turns out to be alright.

In the last few years, I have learned to take a calmer and more balanced attitude towards my health. I know a chest pain can signify an impending heart attack - but in my own case the one thing has not yet followed the other. I decided to stop taking antibiotics for chest infections - in fact, I decided to stop getting chest infections. I took preventative measures - took a good look at my diet, bought probiotics (acidophilus) which I take regularly. Slowed down, listened to my body more. Took steps to get a more positive outlook on life. Got a dog. And these things have had a bigger impact than I ever imagined - I am well almost all of the time these days. (After thirty years of pretty bad mental and physical health, I think I deserve this).

Whenever I went to the doctor, although I was aware that my symptoms might be in my head as much as in my body, it still didn't occur to me that medicine might not be the answer. I trusted the doctor to be the best judge of what I needed.  So I would be reassured when I was sent for a scan, which showed me not to have some serious problem - but the symptoms would not just disappear, or if they did then another part of my body would then seem to be malfunctioning. There was always something wrong with me - I think now that the external symptoms were indicative of an inner disorder, and the fact was that I always felt that there was something wrong with me. (I hope I am expressing this clearly. I always try to be as clear as possible, but what I am trying to say here is in itself slightly abstract.)

In the last year or so, added to my belief that I am the best monitor of my own health, is the beginning of a slight aversion to being looked after by somebody else. I did not have a nice time in hospital after my bunion operation last summer. I hated being physically helpless, and did my utmost to look after myself throughout (which involved some awkward times with the bedpan and commode for the 48 hours when my legs were completely numb).   And there is something else, which I have not mentioned before, for fear of being thought paranoid.

Before the operation, I told the surgeon and anaethestist about my mental health diagnosis. This was because they expressly asked me, when they filled out their questionnaires. I wish now that I had not told them, because I am almost sure that when I came round from the operation I was given some kind of tranquilising or anti-psychotic drug.

What happened was this. Before I was put under I was given an anti-sickness drug. When I woke up I felt nauseous.  I told the nursing staff, and they waited by me for a while, in the recovery room. The anaesthetist arrived.  They were making conversation with me, I felt weak but did my best to talk to them as normally as possible.  After a while the anaesthetist said something to the nursing staff, and then he went off.  The nurses said they were giving me something for the sickness.   They then administered two drugs - through the drip that was still in my hand. They put some from one syringe, then some from the next, then the first again, then the other.

I didn't want to ask about what was going on. I feared at the time that they might think I was not fully sane, and I didn't want to appear paranoid by questioning what drugs I had been given. (This is a fear I have had almost constantly for the last twenty odd years - that people will think I am not normal, and it often prevents me from behaving normally!)

Anyway, I did not feel at all well after I was given those drugs. I still felt sick, but because I was not actually sick I was taken up to the ward. I also began to feel panicky, but I kept myself under control. I reminded myself that there was no reason to panic, and that I would gain nothing by doing so. When my Mum arrived to visit later I said to her, 'After the operation I felt like screaming and crying' and the staff nurse (the same one who had stood by when the medication was administered) said, 'Sometimes the drug that you were given has that effect'.

I was not quite right for the rest of my stay in hospital. I suspect it was the drug, or drugs, that I was given. I was also aware that it might be my paranoia about the drug that I had been given, and that is my problem - I never quite trust myself. I didn't want to ask any questions about what I had been given, partly because it was too late (shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted) and partly because I didn't want to seem suspicious. I was in hospital for two nights after that, and I hardly slept, which didn't help my state of mind.

Because what I haven't told anybody until now, is that my thoughts were definitely disturbed at times.
I have not told anybody that before, because I didn't want anybody to overreact. I was in control, I could just see that there was a possibility of losing the plot, which would actually be made more likely if I had confided in anybody at that time. It was not a normal feeling of stress - it was something else, something actually slightly deranged (!) and I am positive that it was drug induced, but equally positive that the nursing staff would not have agreed and would have called in the psychs if I had told them what was happening. This has happened to me before, and it is enough to drive you around the bend, without any other factors. The diagosis of schizophrenia really does cause other people to behave differently - even medics, who should know better.

Most of the time I was fine, fortunately. I had a lovely neighbour in the next bed, an ex-nurse, and I felt reassured that she was there - we talked and laughed together about all sorts of stuff.  Paul visited, and the kids, and it was lovely to see them.  Nobody noticed that anything was not quite right with me, which was a good thing in the circumstances.

I am not good with drugs. I hate their effect on my mind, and I think I am actually more sensitive to them than most people. One night I was given morphine when I complained about pain, and then I had a panic attack (a quiet one, I didn't behave abnormally at any time while I was there). I just wanted and needed to get out of the hospital - I knew when I got home that I would be fine, and I was.

I have written all that to give a clearer picture of my attitude to medical things generally. I am not trusting enough to be a good patient - although I gave a very good impression of being a good patient in hospital this time. I just want to be independent, to get home, to be left alone. And because of the diagnosis I have been treated differently for so long that matters have got even more confused. Anybody else would have felt able to say, 'That drug had a really strange effect on me. What was it? Why did you only mention one drug when it was administered through two separate syringes?'

Me, I think all this stuff, but don't let on, because if I do I think they will think I am mad. Which they would, because it is there in the notes. SCHIZOPHRENIC.

I don't even want to ask now - well, I do want to, but I have no hope at all of discovering the truth. I have asked to see my medical records on three separate occasions over the last ten or so years since I first embarked on writing my book. I wanted to check details about medications and so on. I have gone to the trouble of finding out the correct person in the local NHS Trust to ask, and writing her a letter, three times, and not even received a reply. I assume that because of my diagnosis it is considered to be bad for my mental health to let me see my notes. I will probably find the strength to challenge this one day, but I have more important things to be getting on with for now.

Like having a cup of tea. I have been at the computer for long enough now, and it is time for a break. More, as usual, anon. And on.

Schizophrenia and Concussion

2012-02-08T02:09:00.000-08:00

I haven't got concussion, by the way. I did fall over when I was walking the dog yesterday, but I didn't hit my head.

I was being a Good Samaritan. A lady was standing with her dog, both peering helplessly into the bushes so instead of walking past blankly I stopped to ask whether she was ok. She had accidentally thrown the dog's ball into the hedge and couldn't reach it, mainly because the hedge was full of brambles.

'I've got gloves on,' I said. 'I can do it'.

She trod on a bramble, I pulled some others out of the way, dived in (it wasn't easy) and picked up the ball. I felt pleased with myself when I grasped it, but then for some reason I let it go. It fell further forward, well within reach, but I remember being vauguely annoyed that I had dropped it. My next thought was rather different - I was about to hit the ground. I have no memory of why I fell. I only noticed I was falling when I was very close to the ground - I remember reaching out with my hands to break my fall, pulling myself up to sitting quite quickly, then remaining still on the ground feeling the world spin around me.

So much for being a Good Samaritan. The other dog walker was very concerned - wanted to help me get up, but I said I would rather just sit there for a moment. I felt so foolish. When the spinning stopped I got up as quickly as I could, and limped off.

The main thing I thought was how old I suddenly felt. It had all happened so quickly. This must be how old people fall - unexpectedly, with no awareness. Unable to figure out why, except that they must be getting old. It was also a reminder of how unpredictable the world can be - one minute we are fine, the next we are all shaken up, and there is no way of knowing in advance. I decided that my foot must have become tangled in the brambles as I tried to stand up - although there hadn't been a bramble around my foot when I looked. I needed an explanation.

I brushed the thing off, but I must have been shaken, because I was out of sorts for the rest of the afternoon. I went to my book group in the evening, and had a good time, but at the back of my mind something still felt not quite right. By the time I got home and went to bed I felt dizzy and had a headache.

I woke up fine. I have some bruising on my arm and back, but I always bruise very easily. I am a bit achey and stiff, but I knew that would soon wear off. But then I dropped a magazine in the hallway, and had to bend down to retrieve it. The dog rushed up delighted, sniffing and licking around my head. I laughed at her, started to stand up - and felt dizzy again. And I have been dizzy for the rest of the morning since.

I tried to make an appointment with the GP, but the line was busy. And actually I am quite glad I didn't rush down there. I think I either have low blood pressure (I usually do) or an ear infection. Or - I have psychosomatic symptoms. This is something I always try to assess before I visit the GP. Can they do something practical to help? If it is low blood pressure, then no - if it is an ear infection then yes. Fifty fifty each way.

And - this is the big one - if it is just in my mind? I have found over the years that a lot of stuff has been in my mind - that I am overly tuned in to the vagaries of my body and I tend to exaggerate the seriousness of what I am feeling. The fact that I have been through the psychiatric system affects my attitude to medicine - I will explain this properly in another post, when I am feeling more compos mentis.

At this time of year the surgery waiting room is likely to be packed with people suffering from colds and coughs and other viral stuff. Toddler and I would have to wait in there for an least an hour, putting him at risk of catching something (and then spreading it to the rest of the family, just in time for the half term holiday). And the likelihood is that I have nothing seriously wrong with me at all. Even if the dizziness is from the after effects of the fall, it will soon wear off. If it is an ear infection making me dizzy, and that is why I fell in the first place, I will survive until tomorrow.

I won't go swimming though. I had an infection in my inner ear (or was it middle ear?) once, called labyrinthitis. The GP who gave me antibiotics said that the biggest danger of an infection like this was that you were likely to lose your sense of direction if you were swimming underwater - you would think you were heading to the surface to take a breath, but end up just going deeper and drowning. I shuddered to think of this - I have always been a regular swimmer and even now I like to swim under the water sometimes, to see how far I can go without breathing.

Anyway. I find that I keep in a lot better physical shape these days if I stay away from the doctor's surgery. So I am going to have a nice quiet day at home with Toddler - lots of rest, plenty to eat, and I am sure that I will be fine. If not, I will go the surgery tomorrow and get checked out.

Apologies for the me, me, me tack of this post. I always get like that when I feel under the weather. Normal service will resume soon.

Schizophrenia and Disability Benefits

2012-02-05T13:23:00.000-08:00

A hundred pounds a week in perpetuity in exchange for a label of perpetual lunacy.

I have just been reading about disability benefits on a blog written by a psychiatrist who seems rather thoughtful and understanding. This is a subject that obviously stirs up interest - there were a lot of comments to read through at the end of the post.

Here's the link: http://thoughtbroadcast.com/2011/12/28/the-curious-psychology-of-disability/

It is an American blog, and obviously the medical system is rather different over there. Being on disability benefits does not just mean you get money from the state - it also entitles you to medical care if things go wrong, something you would only usually get if you paid private healthcare insurance. We still have the NHS, bless it, although I know for a fact that if I had been treated in a private hospital, with proper care, I would have recovered a lot better from my first breakdown, and maybe not gone on to have further breakdowns. Don't ask me how I know - I just instinctively do. There are some things money can buy. Like dignity.

Anyway, the psychiatrist made a valid point, that people who consider themselves disabled put themselves at a disadvantage, and he is right. He was writing about his patient, who was improving and yet who surprised him by putting in a claim for disability benefit, which he was expected to endorse. He was reluctant to do so. He would rather have seen his patient get better and return to work.

I was surprised that the post generated so much discussion. Duane Sherry (a great writer, see his site Discover and Recover) jumped in to say that the psychiatric drugs themselves disable people (which is true). Other people made other valid points. But I agree that yes, the disability system is messed up.

I should not really have been on benefits for all these years. But, with the diagnosis of schizophrenia that I had been given, I had no choice. Even though I recognised that I was better than I had been told I would ever be (not on medication, no symptoms, didn't seem to be deteriorating twelve years after my last breakdown) I knew I was not equipped for the workplace. Because nobody was about to take that diagnosis away and nobody would employ me with it. And also because I had no confidence that I could cope in the workplace, because I had been told that I was a schizophrenic and I believed it.

I had accepted my limitations. It never occured to me to challenge the diagnosis. I quite liked getting the disability benefit - it stopped me worrying so much about money. It paid for the kids' piano lessons, and shoes, and outings to theme parks. I kept very quiet about it though - after all, if people found out I was on benefits, I could hardly explain why - I was never in a million years going to voluntarily tell anyone that I had a diagnosis of schizophrenia. What was I, mad?

Finally, I have found a way out of this paradox. I have made a little money from writing - not a fortune, but enough to encourage me to believe that from now on I can support myself and leave the disability benefit behind. And what a relief that is! The guilt I have felt for all these years has been overwhelming. I have often spoken to friends who had to juggle childcare with work, and sympathised with them, while knowing I had a secret income which would have greatly altered their attitude towards me.

Our family is not well off, but we are hardly paupers. I was caught in a trap - without the benefits I would have had to work. I couldn't face the kids not having the piano lessons or the trips to theme parks. I would have found it close to impossible to get a job. I got stressed just thinking about it. So I stayed on the benefits.

The last time I had a medical assessment was almost five years ago. I was pregnant with my youngest. I went into the office and started to speak to the doctor. I told him I would like to be well enough to work one day. He said perhaps, when I was much older, I would be able to do a very low key job. I broke down in tears. He curtailed the interview, said that it was not good for me to be so upset when I was pregnant and that I should go home and he would fill out the rest of the forms on my behalf and recommend that the benefits continue.

I came home and told Paul what had happened, how I had cried in the doctor's office and how humiliated I had felt. And do you know what my husband did? He told the children and I to put our coats on and get in the car. He drove us to Tesco and then and there he bought me the first laptop computer I had ever owned. I was too astonished to even be properly grateful. My husband was usually so careful with money. But he told me he knew something about me that I hadn't yet properly recognised about myself. He realised that I had a vocation.

Recently I have learned to stop worrying so much, and I can see that all my past worries about money were not a healthy way to occupy my mind. I don't blame myself for being like that - I have been very hard up in my time, and because I have been so nervous and anxious all my life almost all of my jobs have been menial ones, waitressing, cleaning and so on. So I never earned enough to pull myself out of the poverty trap - I had no self worth, and no self belief, as I have said. It was a vicious circle.

Now that I am married though, things have changed, and I have changed too. My family has given me security, and time has healed, and my writing has given me confidence, and...things just go on getting better. If we have to do without the piano lessons and the theme parks for a while, that is fine. I would rather have the dignity of work.

My shame about being on benefits has been tied up with my shame about the diagnosis of schizophrenia. I could see no way out of the trap, so I made the best of what I got - a hundred pounds a week in perpetuity in exchange for accepting a label of perpetual lunacy.

Now I reject the diagnosis, I reject the notion of my disability, and I am free to make my way in the world. I am very lucky though, to be able to make a living out of my writing (or to try my utmost to do so, and thoroughly enjoy the trying, and not care if I don't earn much because we are not going to starve after all) because if I was to fill out an application form for a job tomorrow I would be in an awkward position.

Would I lie about my mental health? How would I cover up all the gaps on my CV, gloss over the fact that although I have a law degree the best job I have ever held was as a customer service adviser in a call centre? (And I only got that job by - guess what - lying on the medical section of the application form. On the advice of my friend from University who worked as a solicitor. 'Lie' she urged, 'Or you will never get a job'. And I lied, probably the only time in my life I have ever knowingly deceived anybody, and I hated having to do so.)

Oh, life. Life.

Mad In America Site

2012-02-05T03:13:00.000-08:00

Just found this site - as usual, can't help wondering why I didn't find it before... Better late than never. I would like to add it to the 'Blogs I Follow' list but can't remember how to do it - really annoyed with myself about this. I am supposed to be learning more about technology, and this makes me feel as though I am going backwards. Still, it doesn't matter (this is my mantra at the moment). And I will figure it out soon.

Here's the link anyhow:
http://www.madinamerica.com/author/whall/

Happy Sunday!

Schizophrenia and Children

2012-02-03T14:17:00.000-08:00

I have just given in to pressure from my eldest daughter, and let her start reading my book. She is sitting next to me, reading from my Kindle, and in fifteen minutes or so I shall take it from her and let her continue tomorrow. Alongside me again. This way she is speaking to me about the book as she reads - asking questions about the meaning of words as well as about the content of the book. I wish I had read all books alongside her in this way since she was young - we both would have benefitted - but of course there would never have been the time, even if I had not had three younger children. She reads a book a day sometimes - full length novels, on days when she also goes to school and does extra-curricular activities.

Anyhow, children have to be allowed to grow and mature in their own space and time - my daughter may well have read some things at an earlier age than I would have wished her to if I had tried to keep tabs on such things, but then so did I when I was young. Each person has to discover certain things for himself or herself.

This book is different though - this is something we need to read through together, and discuss as we go. My memoir is something that may change my daughter's perception of the world, as well as of her mother. I don't think she is emotionally ready for it. I would prefer her to read it when she is older - sixteen would be my preferred age. But I have already decided to get her a Kindle for her approaching birthday. I know that I will find it hard to monitor her reading matter on the Kindle - she has wanted to read this book so badly since I published it that I feared she was likely to find a way to do so without me knowing.

My daughter will soon be twelve. But she is a mature girl for her age - incredibly so, in some ways. I was terrified when I told both my daughters about my mental health diagnosis for the first time, perhaps nine months ago, shortly before the book came out. Both were amazing - partly because the word 'schizophrenia', which held so much fear for me, meant nothing at all to them. They had no preconceptions about mental illness, and therefore no prejudices regarding it. They were surprised and baffled that the whole thing meant so much to me, that I had worried so much about divulging the fact that I had once been mentally ill and the name of my diagnosis. 'You were ill, Mummy,' both said.   'You are better now. It has never affected us'.

Reading the book will hopefully make things more clear for my daughter - about my experiences, about mental health in general. And, of course, for her sister and brothers too, when the time is right. I feel no shame about my past, and I hope that they never will. That if anybody ever taunts them in the playground about what their mother is - 'A Schizo' - they will be able to reply, 'My Mum was ill, but she is not any more'. And this will do them good, and their denigrators - there will be a little more understanding in the world, a little less stigma.

Maybe one day the word 'Schizophrenic' will be obsolete, as it deserves to be. And perhaps my own children will be part of the generation that looks back and wonders how there was ever such misunderstanding and fear and ignorance in the world about such a perfectly ordinary matter as a nervous debility.

I hope.

I never want to use my children as my flagbearers. They are wonderful people. I want their paths through life to be easy and pleasant.  I am sure they will cope with life better than I ever did - I am here to help them to do so, in any way that I can. But I have thought all this through. I am their mother, for better or worse - it would do them more harm to be ashamed of me than it ever will to understand me, and by extension to understand others who find themelves in a similar position.

So that's that.  Daughter has gone off to bed now, apparently happy and relaxed. She says she doesn't want to read any more of the book for another week - 'Why?' I asked, 'Are you not interested? Is it not well written?'  And we both laughed, because she understands me. Right on my wavelength, that child. A job well done. Perfection in the pod.

Memoir is Free Today

2012-02-01T07:58:00.000-08:00

Please help yourselves to a free download of my book from Amazon today. http://www.amazon.co.uk/Surviving-Schizophrenia-A-Memoir-ebook/dp/B0057P6M46

Enjoy! And pass the word on to anybody who you think might be interested in a free copy too.

Schizophrenia and Gluten

2012-01-31T05:10:00.000-08:00

I have been for a long walk this morning with the dog and some friends. I was loath to go because of the freezing weather conditions; started rehearsing my excuses last night, but knew that I would go really, for the conversation as much as the exercise. It was lovely at the beach of course - the puddles on the promenade were crusted with ice and the sand was rock hard underfoot, which was surreal. Variety is the spice of life, so they say, and it is great to walk the dog in all weathers and all seasons - the landscape is stable and yet not. The paradox of nature.

Gosh, I am deep for this time of day. The walk has either stimulated my brain cells or frozen them. Hard to tell.

I recommend exercise for keeping a stable outlook on life - of course, this is nothing new, the benefits of exercise are thoroughly documented. There is nothing like a dog in particular though, for getting a person up and out. I think if the Government persevere with getting those on benefits to earn their money, it might be an idea to get people to volunteer at a rescue centre. The benefits of looking after animals are also well known, and to walk a dog is healthy in so many ways - not least the interaction that it brings with others. All sorts of people stop and pass the time of day during a walk with my dog - it is a very sociable exercise (it helps that she is adorable, and no dog lover can prevent themselves from pausing to making a fuss of her).

Pets put no pressure on - I always feel calm in the presence of my little dog. Definitely beneficial for anyone with mental health issues, or any issues really. So, yes, a dog-walking community service type thing - might even result in homes for the poor abandoned animals. Government, you can have that one on me. And if you are ever looking for a Mental Health Tzar...or should that be Tzarina? Louise the Tzarina - it has a ring to it. Yes yes, I know, delusions of grandeur....

Anyway, the other thing I wanted to mention before, which I have also written about already, is the benefits of a gluten free diet. I feel so much healthier in the six weeks or so since I started it - I go to bed two hours later every evening now, and still have more energy than I used to. And I am sure that the improvement in my nerves is also partly due to having become gluten free. It sounds odd, but apparently a reduction in anxiety is quite often a side-effect of giving up gluten - I can't remember the science behind it offhand, but it is certainly has been true for me. I suppose nerves and the gut are closely allied, and so if the health of the gut improves it has a knock on effect on the nervous system.

Fab. The only downside is that I have put on weight - only a few pounds, but it hardly feels fair when I have foregone all biscuits, cakes and sundry other fattening items. I know why though - apart from the fact that I no longer have 'stomach problems' (translate the euphemism; I know you can) I am over-indulging in crisps. Crisps have always been my weakness - but the spare tyre that is forming around my middle tells me that I have to conquer this fallibility. I am going to do it by thinking of the health of my heart - the fat in crisps is of the bad sort, and when you are an 'apple' shape as I am (susceptible to storing fat around your middle) your heart is particularly at risk.

Heart trouble is something that is on my mind anyway at the moment - my poor Mum is having a few problems, although hopefully nothing that can't be sorted out. So I am going to put 'heart' up there as a picture-word of warning in my mind, next to 'crisps' and hopefully this will have the desired effect of putting me off them.

I'll let you know how I get on.

Too Busy for Words

2012-01-30T03:20:00.000-08:00

It is going to be really hard to break myself of the habit of starting each blog post with a greeting. Nobody else does it...so I am going to STOP. This is a blog, not a missive.

Consider yourselves welcomed.

Anyway, I have backed myself into a bit of a corner the last few weeks. I have not had much time to write at all, I have been too busy with trying to get people to read my memoir. Plug (I mean link):
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Surviving-Schizophrenia-A-Memoir-ebook/dp/B0057P6M46

The book I was writing about recovery has stalled, and I am starting to wonder if there is a need for it, because after all this blog is about recovery... I have been thinking about writing something for children instead, something that would be light and fun and playful to write and to read...something I could read to my own kids.

But I think I am making excuses. Before I embark on anything new I need to get my head down and finish the project I have started. Because no matter how much positive feedback I get about my book (I have had a bit recently and I have been so gleeful you would be forgiven for thinking I am getting a bit above myself at times) that is now the old book. If I am to consider myself a writer - which I do at last - I must justify that title, and finish the next book.

My memoir covered my life so far (well, up until a few years ago) and shows how I was once very ill, and now am better. So it fulfils a function of giving a message of hope to others who have suffered nervous breakdowns. However, what it doesn't do is give a reasoned explanation of how I recovered.

Partly because I have only recently dared to believe that I am actually recovered; in fact, to realise that I am better than recovered, because I have finally found myself able to deal with the anxiety that I have lived with since I was a child. It sounds naive to say that I never realised anxiety was a mental health problem - now I can see that it has been the biggest one I faced, the factor that meant however well I seemed externally I was always internally vulnerable.

Anyhow, a book on recovery would hopefully be of practical application to sufferers and those who care about them. I am trying to write it in a style that can be easily read, but I also intend to include a thorough bibliography and maybe some footnotes. I want it to be useful, but not too textbook-y.

As I am starting to gain perspective on what went wrong in my life, the way is becoming clear to see how I want to progress from here. And what I want is everything: to be the best, strongest role model possible for my kids, and the greatest support I can be for my husband. I want to fulfil my potential. I don't want to live my life at half mast ever again.

So here goes. I am going to make a big push forward in my writing over the next few weeks. Even if the new book isn't brilliant and ground-breaking it still deserves a chance at being written. And who knows, maybe I will surpass my own expectations. And after that is done, then is the time to write something just for fun.

All the best to all of you
Louise x

(Maybe I should stop signing off too? It is probably a bit redundant, this saying goodbye every time. I will stop that too. The next post will be like a post from any other blog - I shall say what I want to say, then stop saying it).

Schizophrenia and Reading

2012-01-27T02:13:00.000-08:00

Hello

I think I am going to stop saying hello at the top of every post, after this one. It is a given, isn't it?

Talking of Givens, I remember I was reading the Human Givens Approach book a while ago - in fact, I bought two of them. I stalled on the first book though, and haven't gone back it since. The Human Givens thing was recommended to me by a friend, who at the time was working as an occupational health nurse with the police force, and that was how she had learned about it. At first, I loved the book - the certainty with which the authors stated that anybody could recover from mental distress attracted me immensely. I like people who agree with me...

But it was when I reached a chapter about autism that I turned away from the book. It was incredibly unscientific and, I felt, insulting. One of the authors had an autistic sibling and, based on his observations - nothing more - wrote a whole chapter on the physical movements of an autistic person and how, in his view, this meant that autistic people were more related to fish (in evolutionary terms) than the rest of us. It was hyopthetical nonsense, and it bothered me that I had wasted my time on the book this far and believed it to have some substance.

However, I intend to have another look at Human Givens. It did have some things of value - a tolerant attitude towards mental health problems and a positive message that they can be fixed.

I have just been looking at the reviews of Mark Vonnegut's latest book 'Just like somebody without mental health problems, only more so'. I apologise if I have got this title wrong, and also for not looking up the names of the Human Givens authors. Toddler is watching TV as I write, and I know that is wrong, so I am trying to rush the post so that I can go and play with him properly. Anyway, Vonnegut wrote an earlier book, the Eden Express, about his struggles with schizophrenia, and his recovery. That was written in the Seventies, and this new book updates his experiences. It sounds fascinating.

I treated myself to a Kindle yesterday! I ordered it online, and therefore have to wait a few days for it to arrive, but I already have a list of books that I want to download onto it. I can see some good reading stretching out in the weeks ahead.

I have been really pleased to find the Amazon author forums and the Kindle User one full of people who love to read and to share their opinions of the books they have read. I am looking forward to getting more involved in that too, although I am aware that I need to watch the amount of time that the Internet sucks up. I have not written much at all recently - although I have calmed down and stopped rushing around (quite embarrassed about the road rage thing in retrospect) I am spending too much time trying to 'market' my book. I have come to the conclusion that this is pretty much useless - that the free promotion days are the best way to boost sales, and whether or not people pay for the book is not as important as whether they enjoy it and whether it helps other people sufferering with mental health problems.

Also if my memoir is well enough written - which I sometimes now dare to hope that it might be - then word should get out eventually. And if it is not well enough written then it is even more important that I allocate more time to writing the next one.

Will sign off now, and go and play with my beautiful little boy. He just came and stuck loads of stickers all over me, 'For being the bestest Mummy in the whole world!' Better go and make some effort to live up to that.

Louise x

Schizophrenia and Transport

2012-01-24T05:35:00.000-08:00

Hello again

I have no car today. Paul's is in pieces on the drive, so he has borrowed mine. Which makes me feel like a bird with clipped wings, but also makes me realise how lucky I am to have the use of a car usually. I have been lucky for a long time really. A lot of people with my diagnosis lose their whole lives to it - I lost some years, but eventually managed to pull through.

People keep telling me that the mental health system has improved these days (which makes me feel like a fossil. I'm forty-three, in case you are wondering. It's now twelve years since the last time I was sectioned). I hope it has improved, but I feel that there is still a long way to go; for example with what I think of as the enforced sterilisation of women with mental health problems. Anti-psychotic medications can have all sorts of side effects, one of which is to prevent conception, which would be fine if female patients were made aware of it. They should be able to make an informed choice regarding the pros and cons of their treatment as patients can in the realm of their physical health - instead of which, mental health patients are not consulted about their treatment, or their views are discounted on the basis that they are 'mad'.

And I will never stop railing against the diagnosis itself - as I have reiterated many times, I am not denying that I was raving mad (after all, my book goes into this in detail) but the Schizophrenia label made matters so much worse. I would never have got better if I had not learned to challenge it - I am not disputing the fact that I was (or am, who knows?) mad, but on the basis that schizophrenia is a spurious label based on no scientific evidence. I feel really strongly that it should not be inflicted on anybody else.

Anyway, about the car - lots of people with a mental health diagnosis can't or don't drive - I am very fortunate that I have been able to for almost the whole of my life. (Would it be in bad taste here to point out that I passed my driving test when I was eighteen, on my first attempt? Obviously. Oh well, never mind). I have been able to pass off the image of an ordinary mother for many years now, even when I privately felt like an absolute outsider, and that has certainly aided my recovery. Those people that perceived me as normal spoke to me and behaved towards me normally, which helped me to learn to speak and behave in the same way. Which helped me to feel normal.

Now I am realising something I feel that I should have known a long time ago - I am normal. Furthermore, I am anybody's equal (although obviously nobody's superior). We all make our own way in the world. And knowing that makes the potential pitfalls seem less scary - if anything goes wrong we can pick ourselves up and dust ourselves down. No need to judge ourselves or anybody else on our failings or theirs. As somebody said on the Amazon Authors forum this morning, we should all be more understanding of mental health, because breakdowns can happen to anybody.

Louise x

Schizophrenia and Nerves

2012-01-23T15:26:00.000-08:00

Hi All

They called them nervous breakdowns for a reason, you know. I only recently realised how much anxiety has been a part of my psyche for all these years, and how it has crippled me. And it is a revelation that I can learn techniques to combat it, and that they work.

The CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) that I have been having has helped a lot. I believe that my therapist is on my side, which makes all the difference. I have never been very trusting of mental health professionals in the past. We did not get off to a brilliant start - the therapist asked me to write down the names and dates of birth of all my children, and I refused. I knew she was asking for a valid reason - they have to share information between services now, for the protection of children. But I object to this on principle - I think it is open to abuse. Also, I had not come to talk about the children - my family is the area of my life that I am secure in. It was everything else I wanted to talk about. The kids were not part of the problem.

I explained how I felt, and said I was not trying to hide anything - my children all go to school and are registered at a GP's surgery; they are not outside the system. She said it was fine, but that she would have to 'report it' - to who? I wondered - and then we carried on as normal. But I felt something in the air - she was aware that I had issues with trust, I suppose.

Anyway, I am through that, and we are on to the practical stuff - sometimes I rabbit on about my personal concerns, and sometimes I listen to her telling me how to combat them. And it is working - as I have said on here frequently, recently my anxiety has lessened greatly.

I do worry though, that I might be a little manic. I have been really busy recently and I find it hard to settle sometimes. I still haven't found time to read the Sunday paper and housework seems too boring for words. I am constantly on the go. And because in the past the only times I managed to combat my nerves seemingly successfully was when I was in the throes of mania - the first stages of psychosis - I am being very careful. I am sure I am fine though - when I did go mad I had no awareness at all of it happening. And now I am on my guard against it. But when you have been mentally ill it can be hard to believe that you are now well.

I am generally, though, starting to actually dare to believe that I am at last growing stronger and whole. However, on occasions the reduction of anxiety in my life is not a purely beneficial thing. I was driving along today, on my way to pick up my eldest daughter from school. I had my eye on a car in my rearview mirror. The (male, middle aged) driver was behaving aggressively, cutting in and out of the traffic to get ahead, although there was nowhere to go - there was traffic ahead too. He was basically queue jumping, and driving dangerously. So I determined not to let him through - he needed to calm down, and realise that he was not on a race track.

This riled him, and eventually he found a way to get ahead, by overtaking me on the inside, cutting up a bus at the same time, and very nearly causing an accident. I was directly behind him in the queue of traffic then, and I beeped my horn at him all the way as we drove along the road. 'Mummy, you're beeping your horn!' said Toddler. 'I know' I said. 'Because that man was driving badly'.

I caught up with him at the traffic lights. Our cars were adjacent. Case proven - he had got himself no further ahead by putting other drivers and their passengers at risk. He wound down his window, I wound mine down. I was quite calm. I told him he was a bad driver. He accused me of being a typical woman driver.

At that point the lights changed - he hadn't noticed - so I pulled away first and as I did so I delivered my parting shot. I put the fear of God into him. I said - wait for it! - I said, 'You're a bad boy!' and with that I drove off.

Toddler was puzzled. 'Why did you call that man a bad boy, Mummy?' 'Because he was a bad boy!' I said. And he was - he was behaving like a child. I very rarely swear, and obviously I wouldn't have done so in front of Toddler. I was cross, but in a controlled way, and those were the words that came out of my mouth. But why couldn't I have thought of something a little more acerbic, some cutting comment that would really have given the guy pause for thought? Bad Boy! He must have wondered if he had heard me right. (Incidentally, I never tell my children they are bad. I think that is inherently wrong. They may do bad things, and I point that out, but I never want them to think that they are intrinsically bad, so I say, 'I know you are good, so why did you do (whatever it was that was not good)?').

I could have said 'Bad man' though, couldn't I? Or 'You are a bully' which would have been accurate - he was basically a bully in a car. And a misogynist, come to that. But 'Bad Boy!' Where did that come from? I might as well have called him a 'Blue Meanie'. Still, I have had some mileage out of it. Paul and the kids were in fits when I relayed the story over dinner. I went to Poetry night tonight and a poem by Ann Alexander in which an elderly mother calls her white-haired daughter a 'Good Girl' prompted me to tell my story again, and it went down a treat. And now it has reappeared as an anecdote here.

This blog needs something to lighten the tone from time to time. Which is why I write about family life sometimes, because my life is not all about mental health, and I don't want it to become so.

I am so pleased about my recent progress. A lot of things in my life have changed over the last year or so, not least my attitude. Don't get me wrong, things were fine before, but they are better now. Ever since I learned to drive, for example, I have been nervous. I would have been terrified once of the situation that I found myself in today. But instead, today the road rage guy was just irritating, not frightening. Without anxiety magnifying every issue in my mind, everything now becomes easier and more enjoyable. I love being calm! Long may it last.

All the best to you all. Goodnight.

Louise x

Schizophrenia Shared

2012-01-22T02:55:00.000-08:00

Greetings all

A problem shared is a problem halved, as they say. And although I should not be blogging on a Sunday morning, because I have a family to look after, I am writing to the background hums and rumbles (very loud and distracting rumbles and hums) of the dishwasher and washing maching, both of which I have just loaded. The girls are out, the boys are playing nicely in the conservatory (Daddy is building them a train track). The dogs are in the garden. Yes, I said dogs, plural - we have borrowed a male friend for our female, hoping that puppies would be the result of the friendship. However, it looks as though the desired result is unlikely, without going into doggy details.

Anyway, I have been surfing the net for about half an hour now, and feel that I have earned that time. The trouble I have at the moment though is that there are so many things I want to be doing that I have no decent period of time to devote to any of them. So I am speed reading stuff that really I would like to be able to slow down and absorb properly.

I just came across the most fanstastic blog, 'Spiritual Recoveries'. Here's the link:

http://spiritualrecoveries.blogspot.com/2006/05/confessions-of-non-compliant-patient_24.html

I am not sure how I missed this one before. I have read another blog written by the same person - the Jungian approach to psychosis one.  Now I have found this one I am delighted, but linked to it are two more blogs written by the same person, which are now required reading for me. But where will I find the time?

I am going to have to start a more methodical approach, recording everything I have read and the things I want to research further. It is all so fascinating, and I do want to be part of the movement to get all this information out there. I am dismayed that so many people still don't realise the potential for cure of serious mental illness.

I have also recently come across (in the virtual world) Dr Daniel Fisher, of the National Empowerment Center. I was stunned to read his story of how, once he had recovered from 'schizophrenia' and qualified as a psychiatrist himself, his credibility was challenged by others in the profession. First he was assumed to have been misdiagnosed, then he was termed a 'damaged physician'. His experience encapsulates all that I feel - how hard it is to be publicly well.  Part of me is very happy to think that perhaps I never had schizophrenia - something that a psychiatrist and a psychologist (friends who have read my book) both suggested to me this week.   But I know that I was as unwell as anybody else who has ever been forcibly incarcerated in a mental hospital has been. I was completely mad, and I fulfilled all the diagnostic criteria to be labelled schizophrenic.

Which does not mean that it was the right label. It is a wrong label, for everyone who is burdened with it. Here is another link, to an article by somebody who can explain herself far more clearly than me on this one:

http://www.power2u.org/articles/recovery/confessions.html

Part of me thinks now - my work is done. All these other people have had the same experiences, they are fighting for the rest of us. Nobody needs my memoir, or my blog that is half stuffed with my journey of discovery into the alternative mental health world, half with my meanderings about family life and my battle with my bunions. But actually, I know I still need to do my bit, because there have been people out there for decades saying the same thing - psychiatry has got its wires crossed, people are not recovering when they can and should. And the message is not getting through, because the people who do recover are either discounted or they never reveal themselves because they know the difficulty they will have in getting their message across.

No, I am not schizophrenic. No, I never was. But nor is that girl somewhere in a hospital near here who is going to be given the same diagnosis tomorrow, or that young man who was given it last week. Mental distress is frightening, and it is hard to understand, but it is not the end of the world. Time will heal, and patience, and hope. And it is our duty as humans - and my duty as a survivor of the system - to keep on passing this message on.

So in the last week or two I have been busy handing out the business cards that Paul printed for me and gave me as a birthday present three months ago.  The ones that I initially felt embarrassed about because they have the dreaded word 'schizophrenia' on them, plastered across my photo with my name underneath. I am going to keep giving out these cards. I feel pride now instead of shame when I hand them over, because I hope that they will lead somebody in the right direction - to this blog and from here to others on the same subject- away from the misery of a psychiatric diagnosis and towards their life as it should be lived: in peace and with joy.

Louise x

Schizophrenia and Blogging

2012-01-20T13:59:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone

It feels a bit odd to be blogging at the moment, because quite a few people who know me now read this blog. Obviously because I tell them about it, but then sometimes I forget who I have told. So everything that I write here, which used to be private, is now public. And half of my friends must be struggling not to fall asleep whenever I speak because they have read all about my days' doings, plus my thoughts on those doings, already (and perhaps they were not so interesting the first time; they certainly won't be the second).

What I need to do is to develop my listening skills, and not talk so much - because this blog now speaks for me.

Anyway, I have been so busy and distracted this week that I have had to keep reminding myself to eat. I am glad it is the weekend. Today I almost forgot to walk the dog, which is always the highlight of my day, and of course hers. She got a short run down to the school in the end, so at least that was something. But I realise that, much fun as the week has been, now I need to calm down. So that is what I am going to do. Ommm....

Things are going swimmingly though. There is a possibility of some proper, paid work in the pipeline, for a local mental health organisation which I respect and would love to be involved with. My writing group is very nearly up and running. My book is selling - modestly, but I keep hoping that it will take off properly at some point. Perhaps it might become a bestseller? Stranger things have happened after all, some of them to me.

And I am more relaxed than I have ever been - which I realise sounds odd after I have just announced that I need to calm down. What I mean is that my anxiety is in retreat - after all these years I finally seem to be combating my awfully raw nerves, and winning. I think this is a process that began when I went on my writing course in Devon last October, but recent improvement has been quite marked. I think this is partly due to the course of CBT I have been having, and partly because of the improvements in my circumstances - the possibility of a career at last, and not just a career but a writing career; my dream come true.

I apologise if I am getting on anybody's nerves with all this. I am not smug and boastful, however much it may sound that way. I am actually quite disbelieving. I am still prepared for all this to be an illusion - to find out that I am at the high end of a manic episode and may be dragged screaming out of the door tomorrow morning.

Every morning that I wake up after a good night's sleep is a pleasant relief. I am still here, I am still sane. By the end of the day, exhausted, doubt sets it. I don't know how long my good fortune will have to continue before I start to properly believe in it. But I am going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

Best of wishes for the best of health

Louise x

Schizophrenia and Meetings

2012-01-18T14:00:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone

I went to a Meeting today! Traditionally I don't do meetings - this dates back to my University days when I used to get panic attacks during seminars. My anxiety is at its worst with groups of people in enclosed spaces.

That said, it went very well. I had a couple of moments, but I weathered them. It helped that the subject of the meeting interested me - it was about service provision in the local area. It was open to the public, so I went along to moot my writing group, and I learned some interesting things and met some interesting people along the way.

What struck me about it was, as I said to Paul when I got home, that it was just like being in the working world. In fact, most of the people at the meeting were working - only two of us were not being paid for being there. And I know it was only one meeting, but the fact that I participated in it shows, in a way, that I am capable of being part of the working world.

It may sound obvious that I could be part of the working world, but my perception of myself has been so narrowed for so long, that I honestly believed I was not capable of much at all. So the meeting was liberating - and it opens out all sorts of other possibilities.

Life is very exciting just now - but I do need to be selective about what choices I make from here. I am tempted to rush straight into work - but that isn't practical; the kids need me, and I need the family home as a base to keep me solid. So I am going to be self-employed for now, unless some amazing part-time opportunity presents itself. I will also do some voluntary work, as I had planned.

I want to leave enough time to pursue my writing as a main activity - because that is what matters to me, and where I believe I can make the most difference. Stop press news - a paper copy of my book is due to be issued in the next week (as regular readers know, so far it has only been available to read online). It will be a bit pricey - ten or twelve poounds - but will fulfil a purpose for those people who only like to read in print. It will also fulfil a purpose for me - how exciting it will be, to have an actual book to wave around!

Must go now - it is late, considering that I am tapping away and that I have been on the go since early afternoon. I have to take care not to get overwrought with all these recent changes. So I am going to watch some nice relaxing TV, and then drift off to sleep.

All the best to all of you

Louise x

Schizophrenia and Marketing

2012-01-16T14:34:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone

Well, the free book day is coming to an end, and as usual on these days I am slightly overcome by all the marketing. I feel compelled to 'sell' as many copies of the book as possible on a free day. I am not sure why. I suppose because the main aim of the book is to help people, and making a profit from it might be seen as helping myself. So I guess I have a guilt complex. On the other hand, there is no point writing for no reward at all, because all that will mean is that I have to stop writing eventually. And I need to write. And hopefully the book will indeed help people, and already is. In which case, it justifies itself.

Anyway, today I have been on Twitter, Facebook, etc, flogging my wares. Which would be ok if I wasn't so obsessive about it. If I do something, I want to do it properly - so not one tweet, but twenty. In between, checking Kindle Direct Publishing to see how the 'sales' are leaping. It is actually quite exciting - the high point of my day today was when the Chief Exec of Rethink re-tweeted one of my tweets. But now I am tired, and it is nobody's fault but my own. I can't seem to do things by halves. I get obsessed. Consumed.

Talking of obsessions, I have been reading a book called 'The Woman who Thought Too Much' - a memoir by Joanne Limburg. The book is about her struggles with OCD. It is well-written (it should be; the writer is a poet) but it worries me, because in places it seems a little self-indulgent. As she points out herself, all memoirs must be, by their nature. And I hate that - it is the only reason why I still occasionally wonder whether I should have fictionalised mine - because I would hate to be exuding an odour of 'poor me'. Oh well, if I am I refuse to smell it.

I had a stroke of good luck today. It came disguised as bad luck - I had almost finalised arrangements to set up a writing group based at my local church, but the lady I was liaising with told me on the phone this morning that they had miscalculated and could not offer me the room on a regular basis after all. She was very contrite, but I reassured her that it was fine. I had a few other options, and was just about to chase them when a friend phoned and enquired whether the group was set to go ahead next Monday as planned. 'Not since five minutes ago' I said, and explained. She suggested an alternative venue, I went to look. And it was incredible.

I now have a beautiful room, at a low rent, furnished with an enormous table and plenty of comfortable chairs, with the most amazing view you could imagine out of the large picture window! And the group can go ahead next Monday as planned! Howzat?!

Now, I am going to set myself a target - put the schizophrenia book to the back of my mind for the rest of this week, and concentrate on getting the writing group off to a good start instead. And also do a little other writing for myself - I wrote a short story for Toddler for Christmas and he asked me to read it to him again today, and as I did I could see an awful lot of room for improvement. So I will make that my specific task. Chickenhouse Publishers have an annual competition, usually featured in the Times around October, so I might try to polish up Toddler's story to the point where it is printable and enter the comp. That would be cool.

Enough for now. Hope you out there are flourishing. If not, hang on; things will pick up. They always do.

Louise x

Free Book again today

2012-01-16T03:41:00.000-08:00

Hi everybody

Please pass the word to anyone you know who might want a copy of my e-book 'Surviving Schizophrenia: A Memoir' : it is free on Amazon today.

Here's the link: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Surviving-Schizophrenia-Tale-Sound-ebook/dp/B0057P6M46

Bit rushed now, will try to write a blog post later today.

Louise x

Surviving Schizophrenia: A Memoir by Louise Gillettt

2012-01-15T14:44:00.000-08:00

Hi Everybody

Have re-named my memoir - I think the new title is clearer. It was easy and quick to change on Amazon Kindle, although for some reason the new cover has not uploaded, so the original title is still on the cover picture. I don't suppose it matters.

I have been editing the book this weekend, because a few typos remained. Also, I have added an index because I was told this will make the book easier to read on Kindle.

I want to get a paper copy out soon - have wanted to for ages - but I will have to make sure there are definitely no more lurking typos when I do. It seems that the easiest way would be to publish on demand through Amazon. Unfortunately the cost of the book would have to be set quite high - ten pounds at least . But at least that will give people the option of buying a paper copy. Will keep you all posted on that.

I intend to get on with writing some new stuff now. I like the freedom of publishing through Kindle - I am in charge of what goes out and how, but I have found the necessity to publicise the writing quite wearying. Hopefully, the more I write the easier the marketing will become, as long as I am methodical about it all.

It is very exciting to be in charge of my own destiny at last!

Hope you are all well and happy out there.

Louise x

Link to the book: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Surviving-Schizophrenia-Tale-Sound-ebook/dp/B0057P6M46

Link to the Schizophrenia Commission

2012-01-13T04:53:00.000-08:00

Hi again

Here is the link I promised yesterday to the Schizophrenia Commission webpage:

http://www.schizophreniacommission.org.uk/

If you follow the link you can complete the online survery with your views on treatment, diagnosis, service provision and so on. It would be a useful way to spend a few minutes.

X

Friends

2012-01-13T04:50:00.000-08:00

Hello all

The title of this post was inspired by a friend who came over this morning for a coffee. We talked about all sorts, including my mental health diagnosis, and of course my friend was lovely, as I knew she would be. I have confided in lots of people recently, partly because I want to get my Rethink group up and running in the near future, and I will need support to do that (and members). The more people I tell, the easier it becomes.

The day may well come when somebody runs out of the front door screaming 'Help! Schizophrenic!' after I have confided in them, but it has not happened yet. They may be screaming inside, but I think it is unlikely after they have sat down at my kitchen table, coffee in front of us, with Toddler in the next room watching Scooby Doo. I am obviously not a threat, or unstable (well, not unduly so).

Anyway, friends are good, and I believe that the more we talk the more we learn, about ourselves, each other and the world. Women are lucky in that way; we find a lot of reassurance in our friendships, a lot of strength in solidarity. And, of course. friendship brings fun.

After my friend left, Toddler and I went for a long walk to the beach and back. On the way home, I stopped by the house of another friend, one who I haven't seen much of recently, and arranged to walk the dog with her on Monday. So that is potentially another long chat - although it might not turn out to be that way. I feel quite wiped out just now by the intensity of the last talk, and I certainly could not embark on another right now. I'll see what happens on Monday.

I don't want all my friendships and relationships to be overshadowed by the spectre of mental illness. I have built most of them on the understanding that I am just like everybody else, although internally I felt different and therefore inadequate. Although I realise now that in fact I am just like everybody else, I have to recognise that some people might not see me that way if they knew my diagnosis.

I am sure that if I had declared my problems at the outset - i.e. after my first daughter was born when I first started to make new friendships, most people would have been wary, I would have felt nervous and worried about their perceptions, and the friendships would have been stopped in their tracks. And I don't want people I know to start seeing me as broken now - although if anybody does, and shies away from me as a result, I know I could cope. Because I am not broken any more.

I suppose it is still early days for me with all this. Hopefully I won't feel this exhausted every time I talk to someone about the dreaded diagnosis. But on the bright side I now feel that one more person in the world understands a little more about the stigma and the unfairness of it all. Maybe that is the way to change things - one step at a time.

I have to be somewhere else in fifteen minutes, so I had better sign off now.

Louise x

Schizophrenia at the Hospital

2012-01-12T02:43:00.000-08:00

Hi all

Hasten the day when I don't have to use the cursed 'S' word to draw attention to my posts! If the Schizophrenia Commission do abolish the diagnosis, that would be brilliant and amazing. Unfortunately I am not sure if it is even within their remit - but if they wanted to take one huge step forward for all those who have and who are suffering mental illness, that is the best and easiest way. I know, I keep reiterating the same point, but who knows, today might be the day when somebody from the Commission, doing some internet research, chances across this blog.

Anybody who hasn't yet completed the survey on the Schizophrenia Commission's website, please do so. The more people participate, the better chance we have of being heard. I will post a proper link later, but am short of time now. I had hoped to do a final edit of my memoir today - there are still some typos, despite the fact that I have edited twice since it went onto Amazon. It will take me several hours to do it properly, so I had earmarked today, because Toddler is at play school. However, I have to take my Mum to the hospital - don't have to, I offered - to have a 24 hour heart monitor fitted. Which will take up most of my day, but it feels necessary. It will make it easier for her if I drive her, so she doesn't have to worry about parking and so on.

For those of you who read about her TIA just over a month ago (or who know me) Mum is now doing fine. She has the monitor fitted today, then goes back to the hospital tomorrow for the results of that and also to find out the results of all the other tests she had after the incident.

I am taking our dog to the vet tomorrow, to get her checked to ensure that she is healthy enough to carry a litter. I have found her a prospective partner. The children are all immensely excited at the possibility of puppies. Watch this space!

Better go now, I will try to write more later. This blog post sounds more like a round robin today than anything with any kind of insight into mental health - apologies for that, and also for the fact my English is not 100% because I am so rushed.

Louise x

Time is of the Essence

2012-01-10T05:20:00.000-08:00

Time is of the essence. Or is the essence of life, time? Or is does everything just depend on how you use your time, in other words the quality of life?

Anyway, hello everybody:

A bit of homespun philosophy for you there - don't worry, I am not going bananas (I always feel that I need to point that out if I deviate from the norm in any respect).

The reason for the esoteric title to this post is that I am feeling time pressured. I went for a long dog walk with some friends this morning, and it was lovely to chat and be sociable. I feel that I should grasp such opportunities, because a writer's life is a lonely one. Or so they say. Actually, I never feel lonely - the time I have to write seems very short, sandwiched as it is between the school runs and only then on two or three days a week.

I have just shortened one of Toddler's play school days, so that he finishes at lunch time on a Monday.  Now he has two and a half days at play school and two and a half with me. Which is good, except that it shortens the free time I have available to write, which makes me feel as though I have to make the most of the time there is left, which puts the pressure on.

I didn't hesitate when given the option of a companiable walk with my good friends. And of course I knew I could come home and get on with some work. But now I have had lunch, I have only an hour and a half free before the school run. And the dishwasher needs attending to, as does the washing machine. I am still glad I went though - and we are going to make it a regular monthly event, which will be just right, enough to look forward to but not to feel tied down by.

I started hatching a plan on the dog walk. It was sparked off by the fact that my dog was the centre of attention for all the other dogs we met. She has just started her season, and is not fertile just now, but must smell very enticing - she was being sniffed left right and centre, and she hates that, poor little thing.

I am toying with the idea of letting my little dog have a litter.  I know this is a controversial subject - dog breeders in particular are very critical of amateurs encroaching on their territory.  But I have always felt that is a little unfair - personally I would rather buy a dog that was born and brought up in a family home rather than purchase one from someone who was making their living at it, who might not care as much for the animals personally.

Anyway, little daughter has been desperate for the dog to have puppies ever since we bought her.  I ran the idea by our vet a year or so ago, thinking he would immediately dismiss it as irresponsible. On the contrary he was quite in favour; he said that it would be fine as long as I didn't 'go into it half-cocked'. In other words, if I did the necessary research and went about matters in a responsible fashion.

I wavered after that though.  I thought about all the work it would entail, and how hard it would be for all of us to part with the pups afterwards. Heartbreaking. I also thought about all the unwanted dogs there are in dog homes and wondered if it would be fair to bring more puppies into the world. (Then again, ours is a pedigree and this sort of dog is very rarely abandoned and always quickly rehomed if they are given up.  Our particular breed is also a very good family dog, small in size, easy to train and so on - all the usual reasons for giving up a dog do not really apply).

It would be a great experience for the children, I know. But I had just about decided not to go for it.  Mainly because I was worried about what other people might think, especially that they might assume I was trying to make a financial profit from our pet. Then at little daughter's school in the last week or so, one of the other Mums has started turning up to collect her child with her new puppy in tow. And the puppy is just so cute that I admit I have got a bit dog broody. Then suddenly a day or two ago, my dog came into season and I thought - hang on, if we are going to let her have a litter this would actually be a really good time...

So this morning as we walked and talked I became increasingly one-track-minded and started boring on about the pros and cons of having puppies. Then we came across a couple walking a puppy of the same breed and colour as ours, and it was the cutest thing ever. I thought that could be interpreted as a sort of 'dog omen'. We so rarely even see adult dogs of the same type as ours.

So I have more or less decided to go for it. I can't wait to tell little daughter when she gets home from school! I have spent so much of my life worrying what other people think, and this was one of the main things putting me off letting the dog have a litter. But it is time to be me, and do what I think is right for our family and our situation. I can't spend my life being limited by what other people think.

It's a bit like the schizophrenia thing, I suppose, in a way. You get to the point where you just have to be you, no matter what other people think you should be. And the me that is going to emerge for the next few months (hopefully) is the amateur dog breeder. Way to go!

Hang on a minute - I'd better phone and hubby and check that he is in agreement with my plan. Lucky I have such an understanding husband....Also, of course, I am the one based at home so I will be doing the majority of the work. Or would be. He hasn't said yes yet!

Hope all of you out there are well. Sorry for the lack of mental health insight in this post - I will get on the case and try to post something more generally useful soon. Meanwhile, you can't do better than turn to one or all of the 'Proper' mental health blogs: Sky Blue Cure Blog, Holistic Recovery from Schizophenia, Beyond Meds, Discover and Recover, and Ron Unger's site. These will lead you to lots more brilliant insight on mental health issues from blogs which I can't recall off the top of my head. You'll have to Google them - sorry, no time for links today, down to an hour of writing time left!

Louise x

Link to 'The Book'

2012-01-08T14:53:00.000-08:00

Hi

Here, for anyone who has missed it (!) is a link to my memoir 'Surviving Schizophrenia: A Tale of Sound and Fury'.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Surviving-Schizophrenia-Tale-Sound-ebook/dp/B0057P6M46

Louise x

Diabetes and Schizophrenia

2012-01-08T14:07:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone

Diabetes and Schizophrenia. Two conditions I do not have, but which I know something about.

First up, diabetes. My father was an insulin-dependent diabetic.  He was diagnosed with this illness in middle age. I was born when he was about fifty. I remember that when I was young he used to fly into terrifying rages, and afterwards when he was feeling contrite he would say that he had been in a diabetic state.  My siblings and I knew he meant this as an apology, although he never said so expressly.

My mother used to administer my Dad's insulin, when he was first diagnosed. She was a State Registered Nurse, and in those days a professional was needed for the job - those were proper jabs.  Dad hated the jabs, and after a while he refused them and was given enormous orange (or black? or both?) pills instead. He took them sporadically, especially as he grew older, and did not seem to pay a lot of attention to his diet. He grew thinner and thinner - towards the end of his life he was a walking bag of bones.

I developed gestational diabetes during my third pregnancy. It was the summer holidays, and my daughters used to beg me not to fall asleep on the sofa every day after lunch. I tried hard to stay awake, but to no avail. Eventually a routine blood test showed what was wrong, and from that point I was issued with all the kit to test my blood sugar and inject myself daily with insulin.

The moment my son was born, the diabetes vanished. That is how gestational diabetes works. Once the baby comes, the diabetes goes, and there is no longer a need for insulin. No diabetes was detected during my fourth and final pregnancy although Toddler was a ten pound baby, more than two pounds heavier than any of the others, so I have my suspicions...Anyway, Toddler is fine, I am fine, no diabetes then or since. The medical professionals obviously know this, and have no issue with it. I don't take insulin, my blood sugar levels are normal, therefore I am not diabetic.

Anybody see where I am going with this?

Next up, schizophrenia. At the age of nineteen as a student I had a nervous breakdown, was sectioned and spent three months in a mental hospital.  After a suitable period of convalescence, thinking I had recovered, I returned to University and finished my Law degree. I graduated with Upper Second Class Honours.

I had a second breakdown at the age of twenty-five. I was sectioned, spent three months in the same mental hospital. Afterwards, I voluntarily attended a day hospital because I was bored and lonely. At this point I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was devastated. My mother (a nurse) tried to comfort me, saying that in her opinion I was not a schizophrenic, but unfortunately I chose to believe the mental health professionals. I gave my life up to their care - i.e. believed their prophecy that I would never get better, would need to be on medication for the rest of my life, and would get worse as I got older. I adjusted my expectations accordingly.

I spoke to a mental health nurse in that hospital about the fact that my mother did not think the diagnosis was right. She informed me that parents are often 'in denial' about schizophrenia. I had an illness just like diabetes, she said, and my mother should believe that as she would believe it if I had a physical illness. I have found out since that psychiatric staff often compare diabetes with schizophrenia; both are diseases, patients are told, and both require lifelong medication.

As regular readers of this blog are aware, I found a way out of my mental health predicament, and now live happily and healthily with my husband and children. I take no drugs at all.  I have no symptoms of severe mental illness - no voices, no delusions, no hallucinations. I am not psychotic, or catatonic. I don't think my mental functioning is impaired - I can still read and write and hold a lucid conversation. Recently I have been combating my anxiety with a combination of CBT and a gluten-free diet, and I feel calmer than ever before. I could go on, but I am sure my message is clear.

I can't help wondering, why do I apparently still have schizophrenia?

I don't mind admitting that I was completely and utterly mad on three separate occasions. I couldn't deny it if I wanted to - I was sectioned three times. I was loony. I am sure though that I am not loony now.

But that label - SCHIZOPHRENIC. It is wrong, unfair. It might as well shout LUNATIC. To me, and countless others, it does.

I have been on Gianna Kali's Beyond Meds site tonight and watched Robert Whitaker talk about his book, 'Anatomy of an Epidemic'. It strikes me that perhaps, as he says at the outset of his talk, psychiatry is changing. I hope so, because I would hate to think of any young person now being tarred with the schizophrenia brush. To be honest, I don't mind it so much for me now because I have finally thought my way through it. I know it is a wrong and inappropriate diagnosis, and so I simply refuse to apply it to myself. Please, Schizophrenia Commission, do the honest and right thing and stop the label from blighting any more young lives.

The thing that shocked me most about Whitaker's talk was when he said a psychiatrist confided to him that they used to treat the rich patients; i.e. talk to them, and medicate the poor ones. How sick is that? In my case, I was fairly treated, when I was out of hospital. When I expressed my wish to stop the drugs, I was allowed to do so.  Not in the mental hospital when I was an in-patient, because then I was seen as a dangerous person, someone who had to be contained.  Not in the day hospital that I attended for several years, that sucker-up of lives. But when I spoke to normal, reasonable psychiatrists as an outpatient they saw me as a person and let me stop the drugs, and thank goodness as I look back over my life I have not wasted too many years on psychiatric medication. Five, at a guess.

I live healthily now. I don't drink or smoke. I take my dog for long walks daily. I eat the best food I can and I stay a healthy weight. I make sure I sleep well and for the right length of time.

I am guarding my mental and physical health. I trust myself to be the guardian of my self now, and I think I am doing a fairly good job of keeping well.

I certainly don't have diabetes.

Anyway, must go. Hope you are all well and happy.

Louise x

A Bumper Week!

2012-01-07T06:01:00.000-08:00

Hello out there

I admit it, I have found the last few days stressful. Enjoyable, but stressful. Part of the problem is the relentless publicity campaign that I have foisted upon myself. I was encouraged by re-reading the book and realising that at a distance it is better than I remembered (this not not spin, I promise) and also because I realised that if I want to be a professional writer it seems that I will have to engage in marketing. And I do want to be a professional writer. Although I still can't help wishing that I could hand the marketing side over to somebody else, thus freeing myself to write. It is all still early days though - I am sure things will settle down into a routine soon.

Anyway, it has also been a good week - things seem to be turning out well. Fingers tightly crossed.

And, as I have to keep reminding myself, it is not just all about me. There have been some wonderful things happening in the family too in the last few days. I have been boasting about them too much, and am going to stop, after this one big final boast: Our eldest daughter has been elected Form Captain. And the younger one just received her Blue Peter Badge! (There have been some other little accolades too, but I am going to keep quiet about those - I don't want to bring my children into the picture too much, although they are so essential a part of my recovery and my happiness (which is, I think, the same thing) that I can't help mentioning them occasionally.)

The whole family was yelling with excitement this morning as the Blue Peter envelope was torn open. We were all shouting, 'It's a Blue Peter badge! Wow! Hurrah!' and so on. And our elder son (who doesn't say a lot but is often right on target when he does) announced, 'I think I am going to faint'.

Little daughter and I and her friend and the dog then went for a walk on the beach. She refused to do her coat up, because she wanted the badge to show, and as it happened it was so warm on the beach, sheltered from the wind, that she didn't need to. We had a lovely stroll, the girls beachcombed and found lots of shells and some gross but interesting crab legs, complete with pincers (perfect design on those things).

So that's the day so far. A Top Saturday.

All the best to you out there

Louise x

Work and Schizophrenia

2012-01-05T14:47:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone

I saw somebody today from the 'Workwise' Team, a group of people in our area, employed by a local mental health charity, who specialise in helping people back to work, as and when they are ready. The thought of taking part in the working world has been a huge step for me - mentally - but one that I have increasingly felt is necessary for my recovery. I was going to wait until my youngest was at school, but recently sales of my book have picked up (probably due to my shameless self-publicity) and so I have decided to concentrate on becoming a bona fide professional writer as soon as possible.

The lady who came to my house today was wonderful. She had a real understanding of mental health, particularly how it relates to the workplace and was also very compassionate and intelligent. And by the end of our conversation (which was non-stop for two hours and left me worried that I had perhaps talked a bit too much) she seemed to think that I was sane enough to go to work, and even said that a career in mental health would suit me. Which felt great, as an affirmation of me. Although I was a bit dazed afterwards, from all the talking and because of the fact that I had been so distracted by the conversation that I had forgotten to eat lunch. I am not sure that I have ever held a conversation so intense with anyone for so long in my life. Certainly not since I have had children.

A very nice man from the benefits office also called today, and said that he would phone back after I had spoken to the Workwise lady and see how I felt about things. I suppose everyone (including me) needs to be sure that I am stable before I take this step. And I am grateful for that - I can see, and have seen for some time, that the diagnosis of schizophrenia works for me in a way. It has enabled me to stay home for a long time now and bring up my children to the best of my ability. And now it opens doors to being helped gently back into the workplace, rather than being thrust back rudely into it. But it also labels me as a lunatic, which I really do not appreciate, or see that I have ever benefitted from. So it has its drawbacks...

If everyone who wants to stop incapacity benefit gets the sort of understanding that I have experienced today, then that is brilliant. I suppose the problem that a lot of people have is the converse - they don't want to stop being on benefits, they are worried that they won't cope. I felt like this once - in my mid-twenties, fresh out of St Anns, when my GP wanted me to go to work, and I knew I wasn't capable. I was so panicky. I changed GPs and my new one was more understanding, and wrote me sick notes for years.

Eventually, I voluntarily enrolled on a DSS back to work programme, for people with disabilities. The people who ran the course were lovely, and I really hoped I would end up with a proper job. But I still wasn't ready. They found me work experience in a solicitor's office for a few months, I did ok there, and by the end of the programme the solicitors would have kept me on (in quite a menial capacity). But I was a bag of nerves, and I knew I couldn't cope with the job, or rather I couldn't cope with the other people who worked in the office - I was so bad at social contact, and so aware of that fact. I was permanently embarrassed just to be me.

So I can well understand the terror that must grip people who are being called up for medical assessments. Nobody really wants to be on benefits, they would all rather be capable of earning a decent wage for doing a job that is within their capabilities. But their capabilities are limited, for whatever reason. Nobody is really a dole scrounger - as I see it these days. Because if they were offered a job as Prime Minister - and they felt capable of being Prime Minister - they would leap at it.

Or to be more reasonable in my argument, if someone on benefits (sickness or any other sort) was offered a job as a clerk in an office and they felt they could manage it and they knew they would gain from the social standing it would give them and that they would enjoy the friendships they would make there, and that they would earn enough money to enable them to continue their lifestyle, or improve it; of course they would take the job. But for people who are down on their luck, horizons are narrowed. Circumstances make it hard for them to move on. Sometimes they are physically or emotionally incapable, at that time in their lives. So I, for one, would never judge them for that - although I think it is a noble and worthwhile purpose to help people to find work when they do feel ready. So thanks to those people who are helping me to do so. I will keep you posted, readers.

And by the way, I was thinking of my promises to keep you all posted, and that I don't always keep them. I forget. So, for those of you who are interested: My feet are finally on the mend. I can walk comfortably (in the right shoes) I can swim, I have had no infections for ages and I feel sure that things will continue to improve in the foot department. Phew.

Update two: after my night of sleeplessness a week or so again (which unnerved me because I felt so alert the next day) I slept well again on the following nights - although now I have to get up for the schoolrun, which is a shame as I could do with an extra hour or so in bed. ( I don't actually resent the schoolrun because after it, at least on a few days a week, I have the house to myself for several hours, which I greatly enjoy). I need to sleep - it keeps me sane and also reassures me that I am sane.

Yours sanely

Louise
Link to the book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0057P6M46

Rethink Schizophrenia

2012-01-04T13:19:00.000-08:00

Hello

I do hope that the Schizophrenia Commission does away with the diagnosis of schizophrenia. I wonder what the chances are... I think they are reporting in June or July, so it's not too long to wait.

I was speaking to somebody on the subject today (I don't every day, not in person, though I seem to be blogging and making statements on social networking sites pretty often recently). It felt really odd to be saying out loud to my friend, just after I had divulged my diagnosis, that actually 'I don't think I have schizophrenia' and it also felt kind of self-defeating - if I don't think I have it and yet the medics maintain that I do then surely there must be something wrong with my thinking...

Quite honestly, it all makes me feel quite stressed at times.

What I am quite sure about is that I am better now. Not mentally ill any more. Stress notwithstanding. I am functional, balanced and non-delusional. I think, speak and behave normally. I am not on medication and have not been for many years. I am even, finally, getting to grips with the anxiety which has crippled me for years and which lies at the root of all my problems. So how can I be a schizophrenic? Because I have a propensity to breakdowns (or had)? If I believe that then I will be permanently waiting for the next one to happen, which is not a healthy state of mind to be in, and in fact is a way of thinking which would actually definitely be bad for my mental health.

Am I wrong to want some external confirmation of my current mental health? Should I be happy just to know that I am well? What does anybody think? I know that I am never likely to get a clean bill of health from a psychiatric professional, but I can't help feeling that this is unfair. And I am not talking for myself only - I feel strongly for all those people who are in the same predicament as me, or an even worse one.

However, as I wrote in answer to a comment from 'Kitkat' a couple of blog posts ago, at the end of the day I don't really know. I am not a psychiatrist. I don't have a crystal ball (although neither do they). I just think, looking at the supposed 'science' behind it, it is all quite spurious, and therefore wrong.

As I have said before on here, there is no test for schizophrenia, no proof. All the stuff about genetics and brain disease and chemical imbalance does not hold up to examination. I have read a lot about this recently, and the evidence all seems rock solid to me: 'Schizophrenia' is a term for some bizarre displays of behaviour, but it is nebulous; it is not quantifiable and not scientific and therefore technically it is not right to label people with it.

Surely it would be better if things were simplified by removing the label, which in itself creates so many difficulties, such as the stigma which comes from the imagined links with violent behaviour, and from fear of mental illness in general, and that termed 'schizophrenia' in particular. Why not just term mental breakdowns as breakdowns, and work towards helping people recover from them?

I hope I am not boring anyone.

Anyhow,do read my book, if you haven't yet. Here's the link http://www.amazon.co.uk/Surviving-Schizophrenia-Tale-Sound-ebook/dp/B0057P6M46/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1325711648&sr=8-1 It is entertaining (in a worrying sort of way) but I promise it is not miserable. In fact, it should leave you feeling uplifted, because despite (perhaps because of) everything, I am happy now and I intend to stay that way.

Louise x

Signing off Benefits

2012-01-03T02:43:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone

Well, I said I'd do it - and I have! Phoned the DSS first thing this morning to sign off benefits...and the lines were all busy. Anticlimax, or what? Will try again later, as the disembodied voice on the phone advised. I was busy searching the DirectGov site at the same time as holding on the phone, and found some useful info on there. So it was not time wasted.

So. Now I am a professional writer, as my friend assured me on the phone last night. She phoned late, and was really excited for me - I had texted earlier in the day to tell her that my book was free to download on Kindle. She assumed that I had just published, and that I would still be buzzing with the excitement, and I felt a bit embarrassed to admit that I had published six months ago. I had not told her, although I had tried to, because she was poorly when I contacted her, and I didn't want to cause her any stress. This is my friend who is in the book (under a pseudonym, Rose) the psychiatrist who has children the same age as mine, and who has suffered mental health problems herself.

She was just so nice on the phone, and so supportive. She said she had spent the day texting as many of her friends as possible, most of who are doctors and psychiatrists, and they had all promised to download, read and review the book. I was so touched by her kindness. And I must admit, I felt a bit guilty for my recent anti-psychiatry stance - although I stand by my views. I think the vast majority of doctors do want to help - why else would they have chosen that particular career? But I also think that it is time for a total reassessment, by the whole profession, of what exactly mental illness is and how best to treat it. It is a huge topic, as my friend said when I tried to open the subject on the phone last night. Maybe this is a book that we could collaborate on - recovery and treatment. I will put it to her when we finally manage to meet up - she moved to a different area and we have not been in touch all that often in recent years.

I really was so moved by her support and encouragement, and sheer excitement - and by the fact that she kept repeating that I am now a professional writer!

Anyway, I am going to do some writing now, on this, the first day that all the children are back at school after the holidays. They all went off happily, which was lovely, but I will also be pleased to have them all back at the end of the day, sharing their news and views as usual.

Have a good day, everyone. Oh, and by the way we 'sold' over 350 free books yesterday, which is more than the last free book day, which is great.

Louise x

All Tweeted Out

2012-01-02T09:55:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone

I have been on Twitter today more than any other day, ever. And all my tweets have been on the same subject - read my memoir, read my book of poems, they are FREE today... On and on and on. I feel like the most self-serving, base creature imaginable. I even tweeted Stephen Fry directly!

Self-publicity is not easy. Although I suppose it could be done a lot more subtly.

The thing is, I do think my book is worth reading, and that it will help people. It is not unique, of course; there must be an awful lot of people who were diagnosed schizophrenic and who have gone on to lead a normal life. And I know a few of them have written about it. But I still believe in my book, and want it out there.

I also want to get on with writing more. I have done a bit of work recently on the new book, which is more specifically about recovery from mental illness, and am thinking about writing another 'How to' book. My grammar school one needs some editing too. It is nice to have a full agenda.

Saw my sister today, for the first time in six months. We had great fun - the new me is more relaxed and can laugh at jokes, rather than recoiling from them, and this particular sister is a laugh a minute.

Paul has finished painting our front room - poor thing, if I am all Tweeted out today, he is all painted out. I managed to take the dog and kids for a walk, but he has been hard at work all day with no respite.

I am going to take my girls swimming now, bless 'em. Back to school tomorrow - a good thing, and a bad thing, for all the obvious reasons. Roll on the next half term, for the chance it offers to spend more time with the kids, and as the next break from the routine.

All the best to you and yours

Louise x

Free Poetry Book Too

2012-01-02T02:02:00.000-08:00

Hi again

My poetry book is available free too today. And here's the link:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mudeford-Quay-other-poems-ebook/dp/B005BVL66U/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1325498138&sr=8-3

If you like it, tell your friends fast. It's free for today only (but cheap anyhow).

Louise x

Free Book Today

2012-01-02T01:48:00.000-08:00

Hi Guys

You can download my book free from Amazon today - spread the word!

Click on the link above, or this one: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0057P6M46

Tell your friends and family. And please ask anyone who does get around to reading it, to review it (at their leisure). I am determined to get this message out there - healing from serious mental illness is a reality. I am not the only person it has happened to, although I am one of the few stupid enough to own up to this crippling diagnosis.

Louise x x

Bad Things Happen and can make you Crazy

2012-01-01T12:44:00.000-08:00

Hi

Here's the link http://www.amazon.co.uk/Models-Madness-Psychological-Schizophrenia-Schizophrenias/dp/1583919066/ref=zg_bs_922830_4#reader_1583919066 to a book which I have not yet read, but which has made me feel immeasurably better just by looking at the chapter headings in the sample on Amazon. It is called 'Models of Madness: Psychological, Social and Biological approcahes to schizophrenia'. There is also a large amount of text available to read as a sample before you buy, and it actually made me want to cry. The book is by several authors; Richard Bentall, Loren Mosher and John Read. Have a look.

What gets me, is why, when there are so many enlightened people in the world (about mental illness, the reasons for it, appropriate treatment and so on) and their arguments are so simple and so moving and so obviously right, are there still people who take the opposite view? Are there really people so selfish that they refuse to accept that schizophrenia is not a biological disease, or an illness at all BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO LOSE THEIR JOBS? Can so many human beings really be watching people suffer deliberately, while knowing they could comfort them greatly, just by telling them, 'There is nothing permanently wrong with you, you are going through a tough time, but you will get better'. Would anybody be so cruel?

I don't think that can be the case, not so widely. It must be that a lot of people still don't fully understand. And that is why I am going to push my book in the year ahead - get it into print, publicise it, stand by it. Because if the people who are cured find the courage to stand up and be counted, and add their voices to the great and good, like Rufus May and Richard Bentall and Ron Unger, Loren Mosher and John Read (and countless others that I can't think of off the top of my head) perhaps, things will finally change.

Louise

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T05:19:00.000-08:00

Hello out there

A bit predictable as a title for a post...But genuinely meant.

I am really looking forward to the year ahead. I love New Year as a time when all is potential and possible. I have particularly high hopes for this New Year, as the New Me (the one who is calm and unbeset by nerves).

And hopefully I will be productive, and achieve lots, and my writing career will soar, and we will move to a new bigger house...

Nothing wrong with aiming high, eh?

Of course, what I really want is for the children to continue to grow up healthy and happy, and I am well aware that I have all the riches I need already.

I will keep on at this blog in the coming year, try to remember that it is not just about me but for all out there who have suffered from mental illness and who have felt lonely and helpless and stigmatised in the face of it.

Here's to progress and to a happy year ahead!

Louise x

Schizophrenia and Sleep

2011-12-30T13:16:00.000-08:00

Hi Everybody

I am an advocate of sleep. I send my kids early to bed every night, or as early as I can now that they are getting older. It is actually quite late these days, especially in the holidays, before the girls settle down, which bothers me. The boys are easier.

My husband is much more relaxed in his attitudes. But I feel that our children will grow better, learn better, heal better, etc if they get plenty of shut-eye and all that I read in the health section of the newspaper and in magazines bears me out on this one. So I push the point.

I practise what I preach, too. I have gone to bed early for as long as I remember - ten o'clock, or ten thirty, like the boring old lady that I am. Except in recent weeks, since I have become gluten-free. I have found that now I have loads more energy; I go to bed each night a couple of hours later than usual, sleep soundly and feel fine for it (I have woken up later too though, to be honest, with no school run to do and a wonderfully accommodating husband).

But last night an odd thing happened. I failed to sleep at all. I went to bed, did not feel tired, and found that the bed was uncomfortable (it is not usually) and I tossed and turned the whole night. Toddler woke up a few times too, but he didn't disturb me because I was already awake. Perhaps I woke him up, thinking about it. To be fair, I must have slept a little at some point, because I had some dreams, but my feeling when I awoke was that I had not slept a wink (and Paul readily agreed - I must have disturbed him too).

I was expecting a miserable day today. But actually, it has failed to materialise. I have had plenty of energy, despite a tiring time taking my eldest daughter to see the orthodontist at the hospital and then going to the shops to return something I had bought her in the sales that she didn't like. I also went to visit my niece, cooked the dinner and then took my little daughter swimming. Then came home and hoovered the house. And I still don't feel tired - not sleepy tired. And this is a little alarming.

I am otherwise compos mentis. Not silly, not high, not low. Just normal. SO I think I am ok mentally. If I didn't have the schizophrenia diagnosis (which I have discarded but still wrestle with occasionally) I wouldn't be thinking mental health at all. But the advantage (disadvantage?) of having been through the system is that I am now well aware of any warning signs - one of which is failure to sleep. I am fine though. Happy. Sane. But such is my obsession with sleep that I can't help but feel a little disturbed that I am not tired.

Oh well. Hey ho. Life is a strange thing sometimes. I am sure I will sleep fine tonight and all will be well. I will let you know.

I am not sure why I did not sleep last night. I didn't particularly have anything on my mind, although of course since I was awake I did find myself pondering various matters. I suspect I may have an intolerance to oats as well as wheat gluten, because I had had an evening bowl of porridge and felt unsettled, kind of edgy afterwards, and also I had a really bad stomach ache. An intolerance to oats would be a shame, because my in-laws have just bought me a huge new bag of porridge oats, and they are absolutely delicious.

I guess I will leave it a day or two and then experiment again. Anyway, I don't know if all that is interesting to anybody. But I might as well say here that in my view one of the most important factors in mental health is sleep. It does a person so much good to sleep well, to process the day's events by dreaming, to rest and recuperate. I am stating the obvious here, I know.

What else happened today? I didn't walk my little dog - I was too busy, and it was too wet. It won't do her any harm - I will take her out for an extra long time tomorrow to make up for my neglect. I did enjoy seeing my niece and her children, and spending time with Little Daughter, who is so sweet and smart. We were getting changed after swimming, and couldn't help listening to the lifeguard, who was laughing and joking with a girl who had been in the pool. They got quite rowdy at one point, and I whispered to Little Daughter, 'What are they doing?'

'They're flirting' she replied matter of factly, and she shocked me with this insight. I hadn't realised she knew the word, never mind what flirting was, and she was so spot on, and so insouciant with it. Sweet, funny, clever and now quite grown up - and the child is not yet ten! What have I bred?

I love my life! There was a time when I would never have thought to say that - but I went into all that in yesterday's post, so will stop there before I bore you all solid.

Louise x

Favours from Friends

2011-12-28T09:56:00.000-08:00

Greetings again

I love the holidays. The sleepover went successfully last night, and the kids slept well as far as I know. They said they did, anyway, although I have noticed a good deal of yawning in the ranks today.

We went to a friend's for lunch - it was lovely (hi, Sarah!). I have been badgering my friends recently - now that I have decided to be a full-time writer (what took me so long?) I have a vested interest in getting my work read. So I have been reminding people of the existence of my book, asking them to recommend it to their friends, begging for feedback, etc. I hate asking for stuff - but on the bright side, if you ask a friend for a favour, they benefit too - they get the warm and fuzzy feeling which comes with having done a good turn. And I don't ask people for things often. I will have to watch that though - I suppose I will know I have overdone the nagging when people stop answering my calls...

Later this afternoon we popped in to see another couple of friends, two elderly ladies who have offered to help with my Rethink group. I went for a chat about that, took my lovely little daughter with me (and the dog, because we were on our way to walk her). We had a lovely time there too - our dog got on well with their dog, and little daughter was in a good, patient and communicative mood (and was rewarded when she was presented with a gift as we left). It was all beautifully wrapped, but with no name on the label - they must keep a few handy for visiting children over Christmas. How nice is that?

Then we walked the dog across the muddy fields of our most local nature reserve, in the late afternoon sunlight. It was so mild, especially considering it is midwinter. Now, back home, I am cooking sprouts and carrots and rice and a pie and some sausages (such bounty) with the kitchen door closed so that Muddy Dog cannot escape into the house. Paul is decorating the front room (he started about a month ago, but has done nothing for at least three weeks and was mildly surprised, if not affronted when I said that I was going to take the children to lunch with their friends so that he could get on with it. I think he had forgotten all about it, and thought he was on holiday! JOKE. But he did get on with it, and now he has got going he is motivated again.) The girls are doing something quietly somewhere (probably watching something on DVD in elder daughter's bedroom) and the boys are playing noisily but happily in their room. Bliss!

Sorry if this blog sounds all complacent and happy families recently. And not particularly relevant to anybody's mental health troubles. Especially sorry to those who have just come over from the Rethink site, and who are looking for help. There will be more universally applicable content on here soon, it is just that now is the holidays, and things happen to be going well in my life, and so I think, why not write about it?

Anyhow, the overall message is the same as it has been for a long time - I was ill, I am now better, and I am not unique in this. Anybody who has been suffering with mental illness, who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, or any other condition - remember, you are normal.

It is a normal reaction to extreme stress and distress, sometimes to cave in under it. It is normal to panic, normal to turn your misery inwards if you can see no way through it. It happens to animals too - just look at those creatures who are badly treated, underfed or poorly housed or otherwise abused and you can see clear signs of mental distress in their disturbed behaviour.

But put the environment right for those animals, treat them with love and patience, and they will recover their mental health - so too can human beings. Forget about the fact that you have been told you are a schizophrenenic. It is nonsense. Take medication if you can't manage without it, but remember that one day you will be able to, work towards that day and look forward to it. Even if it is in five or ten or twenty years time, you will have good times along the way too, gradually you will find that you are becoming stronger, and one day you will find that you are healed.

Never give in to shame - it is not shameful to be ill, mentally or otherwise. I did some mad, mad things, some of which luckily I have edited out of my brain over time, some of which I committed to paper or to memory and which will be there forever. Some of the memories come back to me sometimes. It doesn't matter. They make me smile.

I remember when I was in hospital during my third and final breakdown, following the birth of my eldest child, my husband came to visit and we went for a walk along the beach, pushing the baby in her pram. There was a young man knee deep in the water, and there was a bed by him. He had pushed this bed into the water, presumably. He had a camera set up on a tripod.  Clearly, he was an art student engaged in a project. And what did I do? I went out there, and lay on the bed, and suggested that he take my photo.  My husband (although we were not yet married) was aghast. Acutely embarrassed. I don't blame him. How mad was that? But it was funny too, and if I was walking along the beach today and saw somebody else behaving in that manner, I would just smile and walk on.

So what? In fact, if I had told him I was a patient in the local mental hospital, it would probably have enhanced the young man's project.

I didn't take my clothes off, by the way.  It only occurs to me now that I might have done, and how much worse would that have been?!

To conclude, today I had a lovely day, my life is full to bursting, and when I came out of hospital as a scared and shaken nineteen year old, after being there for three months and held under a section of the Mental Health Act, I would never ever have foreseen such joy and completion in my life. That is what I want this blog and my book to do - to talk to those confused, ashamed nineteen year olds, and show them that they have a future.  To assure them that nervous breakdowns are a part of life, that they are normal, they will recover. To tell those young people that nothing has really changed, only their perceptions of themselves have altered, and that they will be solid and whole again, one day. I hope that day comes soon for rmany people, and that I can be part of making it sooner.

Louise x x

Entertaining

2011-12-27T12:51:00.000-08:00

Hi all

We had some friends around this evening, for festive food - they have gone home now, but left their son behind for a sleepover. He is no trouble - like a cousin or a brother to our lot - and they are delighted to have him to stay, not just because of the added opportunity for play, but also because I am much more lenient when we have a child from another family in the house. I always get them to sleep reasonably early though - I hate those sort of sleepovers where the parents let the children stay up half the night, or even the whole night. I just think it is so bad for them, to lose all that sleep.

Anyway, we have had a nice day, quite low key. We had a good walk along the beach; the whole family, plus the dog, plus our friends. And lots to eat. But we still have numerous boxes of chocolates and biscuits in the house, and hundreds of mince pies, two Christmas puddings... We are going to have a New Years Day party and I am hoping that most of the sweet and sticky stuff will be consumed then. We have never had a New Years Day party before, and I am quite looking forward to it. Have not issued many invitations yet though, due to being slightly disorientated in time and space because of the holidays.

Thinking about it, today must be Tuesday, which means our party is on Sunday, which is not all that far away really, so I must get on with some planning. Not tonight though - I have decided to watch the new TV, which Paul and I bought as a Christmas gift to each other and ourselves (and the children of course). I have not actually watched anything on it yet. I love the new TV - it is a flat screen, it looks great and the picture is fantastic. The snag is that it has no remote control (we ordered that separately; long story) and I am not quite sure how to operate it via the buttons yet. Also, the screen keeps going blank, which has to be fixed with a judicious tap, which is quite annoying. The online shop we bought it from has been closed throughout the holidays and only re-opens tomorrow, so hopefully it will be sorted out then. So yeah, to sum up, the new TV is great, except that it doesn't work properly.

I have become obsessed recently with looking up my book on Amazon, to see if it has sold any copies and whether anybody has written any more reviews. I am going to limit myself to two checks a day from now on... which means I have already exceeded my quota for today.

I am off to be a couch potato for what is left of the evening.

All the best to all of you. Hope you are well and happy.

Louise x

Happy Christmas

2011-12-25T14:10:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone
I didn't enjoy Christmas very much, before I had a family of my own. I was always so lonely. For several years I went swimming every day, on my own at the gym, ploughing up and down the pool wearing my swimming hat. I was an oddity.

I was a member of that gym for five years. I remember I used to be upset when it closed on Christmas Day and I couldn't have my usual swim. The day seemed to stretch before me endlessly without my normal routine.

Yet, how things change. I met Paul at that same gym, when I was thirty, and within a year I had a child. Within seven years, four children. Christmas today started at six o'clock this morning in a flurry of excitement and just kept on getting better throughout the day. It didn't enter my head to go swimming.

Although I do still need my exercise. I took my eldest with me today to walk the dog, because the beach is so crowded at the moment and I didn't want to be out walking on my own on Christmas Day. I had to persuade her to leave the television and the warm house and the rest of the family, but I was glad we went together - I would have been the only lone walker. And also my daughter and I had a lovely talk as we went along, and a bit of a sing-song, and a giggle, and although the day was darkening and the wind was whipping us along and my cheekbones felt frozen and my ears were sore, I was conscious that this was a precious hour, and that being in my daughter's company was worth more than sunshine and clement weather. We both said afterwards that we will remember that walk.

I am still gluten-free, and feel very well for it - no stomach aches for several weeks now. Amazing. And the sense of calm has continued too - doubly amazing. Paul bought me some gluten-free mince pies and a gluten-free Christmas pudding, which was very thoughtful of him. I am already piling on the pounds though, which is rather unexpected - I thought I would be ultra slim by now, considering all the biscuits and cakes I have been turning down recently. Still, I always said I would rather be overweight than nervous - I have always eaten huge amounts of food but I think it is because of my raw nerves that I have stayed reasonably slim over the years. And I stand by that - I don't really mind being slightly overweight, and anyway I am sure it is only temporary - everyone expects to get a bit lumpy over the holidays and it is not that hard to kickstart your body back into shape in the New Year.

I am looking forward to the New Year newspapers and magazines - I love New Year resolutions and all those motivational type articles. I relish the idea of a new start every year, even though I know by looking back at previous year's diaries that the impetus for change does not continue for long. I like the challenge.

This coming year I intend to build myself a real writing career. I have decided that I am going to come off disability benefits in the New Year, which will give me the incentive and motivation to work harder at my writing, and I think this will make me feel a lot better about myself. After all, I can't keep on about not being sick and keep collecting benefits. It doesn't make sense. I do feel some trepidation about how I will manage financially, but I feel that it is time now to move forward, and actually I am looking forward to it. Looking forward to the challenge.

Here's to the year ahead! But first, here's to the last week of 2011!

All the best

Louise

Another Daniel Mackler film

2011-12-21T15:36:00.000-08:00

Hi again

I just watched a You Tube film by Daniel Mackler called Schizophrenia- Full Recovery through Therapy. I haven't mentioned Daniel's work for a while, so I thought I would link to this film here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAR63glZhlY&feature=related

And here is the link to his website: http://www.iraresoul.com/

I don't agree entirely with all that Daniel thinks on the subject of mental health; I particularly oppose his views that all childhood trauma is caused by bad parenting and that nobody should become a parent until they are entirely healed, or 'enlightened'.

In my opinion truama comes from many sources and for various reasons - maybe it is just part of our inheiritance, our path through life to encounter difficulties and learn to overcome them. (I know I am not a perfect parent, but I am sure that my kids are going to turn out to be well-adjusted and happy - all the signs are good).

Anyway, Daniel and I have agreed to differ on these things, which are after all only opinions. He is an all-round good person as far as I can tell from his work (we have not met). He is someone who has faith in the human ability to recover from serious mental illness and his work shows that. So when I stumbled across this film (see link above) I just had to share it and tell you all again how inspirational I think this man is. I shall cite his work in the evidence I intend to give to the Schizophrenia Commission (they have just asked for evidence and opinions about recovery, so anybody else who wants to contribute, please look them up online. If you don't find time, don't worry, I will post a link soon). It amazes me that so many medical professionals still seem to be unaware of all the information out there on the net about healing from schizophrenia (or are they turning a blind eye?)

Let's make it our mission to inform them!

Louise x

Schizophrenia and Mince Pies

2011-12-21T14:56:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone

The title of this post is a blatant attempt at attention grabbing; I have long since noticed that posts with the word Schizophrenia in the title attract readers. I feel a bit of a cheat when I use the word - I actually do not consider that I have schizophrenia any more, based on the fact that I don't have any symptoms, which seems clear enough evidence to me. However, the medics are lagging behind me here - in their view I have an invisible illness (disease?) or am in denial, or remission...only time will tell who is right on this one, them or me. But I am going with my own opinion of my own mental health. I monitor it closely enough to be pretty aware of it by now, and those doctors don't live inside my head, so I reckon I know more about me than they do.

I re-read the book this morning. And one part that upset me, remembering, was when my first son was born. I had not been on any medication during the pregnancy or for many years beforehand. The psychiatrist I saw when I was pregnant said that I was in charge of my own mental health - that I should have medication with me when I went to hospital to give birth, but only take it if I felt I needed it. I preferred not to, because I was keen to breastfeed my baby, but I felt that it was a sensible precuation to have the medication with me just in case - I did not want to risk another breakdown.

But in the hospital after my baby was born, the doctors decided that I was unwell and must take the medication and stop breastfeeding my baby even though I was fine, and I told them I was. I was not delusional, hysterical, hearing voices or anything else. The more I protested that I was well, the more they insisted that I was unwell. I was so upset by all this that I nearly did lose the plot - luckily a kind nurse noticed my distress and let me go home (I was supposed to stay in hospital to have a blood sugar test a couple of days later).

Once I got home, with Paul's support, I stopped taking the drugs, started breastfeeding my baby (after a time lapse to get the drugs out of my system) and spoke to the psychiatrist on Monday, who approved of what I had done. But it could have turned out very differently.

Oh, the injustice of it all. But I know things are a lot worse for a lot of people. In fact I was telling my eldest daughter today that everything that has happened in my life has been lucky. I think she thought I had lost the plot, 'I don't think it was all lucky, Mummy' she said (she knows about my times in hospital, it has been a hot topic in our household the last few days because the free book promotion has boosted sales figures so Paul and I are buzzing with the possibilities). But I said it was, because if things had not happened in my life exactly as they did, I would never have met her Daddy and had her and her siblings. And I might never have been a writer - I have always felt that the ability and desire to write was innate in me, but I think circumstances have made it a necessity.

What is more, now I have the opportunity to write. If I had graduated from Law School without the crippling nerves that made my life so difficult I would probably be working as a lawyer now. I would probably not have found the time to have four children, and I would be earning so much money that I would be reliant on to pay my huge mortgage that I would not have any free time to devote to writing, the thing that gives me the most pleasure and sense of achievement in my life (apart from my wonderful family). So it has all been for the best.

Did I ever have schizophrenia? I don't know what schizophrenia is. I don't think anybody really does. All anybody knows is that some people can cope with the vicissitudes of life, and some cannot. And I also think that some experiences are so extreme that nobody could cope with them and remain mentally intact. This was probably not the case for me - lots of worse things have happened to better people than me, as I have said here before.

I was completely barking mad on three separate occasions, that's for sure. I was also a victim of circumstance - lots of circumstances in fact - and of the weakness of my own nature. I was crippled by anxiety for many years. I also made some bad choices. But nobody is privy to the workings of my mind except me - and since I was very uncommunicative when I was in hospital, any diagnosis must have been based partly on guesswork, as well as observation of my bizarre behaviour. I was mad and I am now better. I am not 'a schizophrenic' and I am not honestly sure that anybody is.

Anyway. I am still gluten free, although not entirely stress free and calm. Streets ahead on this time last year though - or any year really. Went to another social event tonight - a very small one, but exactly the kind of thing that would have paralysed me with nerves until recently. I would have tried very hard to speak articulately and failed abysmally, and gone home very disheartened and feeling even more inadequate than usual. As it was, tonight I did try a bit too hard to communicate clearly, was still not super-articulate (I guess I need a bit more practice) but the big difference was that by the end of the evening I didn't actually care too much about my failure as a sparkling social being. I am an adequate human being, and that is enough. And I got to come home and bath my beautiful boys and put them to bed and listen to one daughter sing and give the other a hug goodnight and sit down to write my blog. There is more to life than mince pies!

I did have one nervous moment - I was taken aback when a rather elderly and genteel chap (this was a family gathering, but he is an in-law on the other side who I don't know very well) suddenly told me (sotto voce) that he had downloaded my book from Kindle and read it!

Aagh! My mind raced through the book (I had been re-reading it this morning, as I said, because it suddenly occurred to me that I should acquaint myself with it again since we have sold a lot of copies recently ('sold' is an overstatement; most of them were free copies on the one day promotion). I wanted to remember what it was people were reading about me. And suddenly I was unexpectedly confronted with a real life reader. I suppose I have realised that some people who know me are reading the book without me knowing they are, but I don't think about this on an individual basis. I will now.

I didn't know quite how to respond. I did go a bit red. He said that writing the book was a brave thing to do and that it would help a lot of people, which was lovely of him. What I wanted was his opinion of the writing, but I didn't ask that. And actually I am going to relax about that, because one thing I got from re-reading the book this morning is that the writing is fine. Lots of people have told me that, but perhaps I needed the distance from writing the book to see it myself. It really is fine. Clear enough, readable enough, good enough. On to the next book.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams.

Louise x

Gluten-free is Good (2)

2011-12-20T09:34:00.000-08:00

Hello again

I had a nagging feeling that the last post was incomplete, that it might read as a little odd even. I am not in the throes of mania, honestly! Obviously I can't be sure that this new sense of calm is due to the gluten-free diet, or that it will last. It just feels so good to be anxiety-free, or very nearly so, after being in thrall to really excruciating anxiety for so long, that I wanted to share the news.

The best thing (and the strangest because it is so unexpected) is the energy I have had in the evenings. Not last night, but the night before, I found myself oddly alert and wakeful at ten pm - the time when I usually stagger to bed exhausted. It was such an alien feeling that I ignored it and went to bed anyway, feeling a little unsettled. I slept well, although not immediately.

Last night, when I felt wide awake again at my usual bedtime I took the hint, and stayed up for an extra couple of hours. It was the perfect opportunity to get started on the Christmas wrapping. Paul was surprised to say the least - he has resigned himself by now to saying goodnight to an exhausted me each night not long after the children go to bed. In fact, the only time I usually stay awake later than ten or half past is when I am agitated for some reason and can't switch off - but this was not like that at all.

I don't know how tonight will be - in fact I am quite tired already, but that is probably due to the fact that I got upset with the noisy houseful of children earlier, and because we have not yet eaten dinner. I really hope that these new evening energy levels will turn out not to be a fluke, but a result of the new diet - imagine how much more I could get done, with those extra hours! I had resigned myself to the fact that I was more tired than average because of my busy lifestyle and because that is just how I am - but am really excited by the possibilty that this change could be permanent. I really do feel a lot less nervous too, and whether that is due to the gluten-free diet or the counselling, or a combination, or even a placebo effect, I am happy with it.

As far as gluten goes, by the way, it is the wheat based foods that I have cut out. I seem to be fine with Ryvita. I have not tried oats, because the porridge we have in the cupboard is horrid, and I keep forgetting to buy more.

Must run, dinner is burning!

Louise x

Gluten-free is Good!

2011-12-20T09:10:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone

I have been following a gluten-free diet for about two weeks now. The only time I deviated was for a home made sausage roll, and I wouldn't even have eaten that had it not been the only thing available. Paul and I were with the children at a party and I hate them to see me not eating, or not eating enough - I think it sets such a bad example.

For about a month previously I had been trying to go gluten-free, but I found it hard. On social occasions when I am offered a biscuit or a cake, for example, I hate to be rude and say no, so I would make an exception for these occasions - which seem to happen very often in my life. So I had not really got it into my head that these things, as well as bread, contain gluten and thus should not be eaten at all. I have finally arrived there - I automatically discount eating cakes, biscuits, and bread as well as any wheat based cereal and so on, and it is quite easy to do now.

I didn't really get on with gluten-free bread, partly because of the ridiculous cost of the stuff and partly because it is so insubstantial. So I tried rye bread, and that was a lot better - tasty and filling, but without the bloating and stomach pains that I get from wheat based products.

The reason I decided to go gluten-free is because I have read so much about it on the net recently. In particular, people with nervous problems are said to be allergic to gluten - problems with the gut and symptoms such as anxiety have strong links. I also have a friend who is a nutritionist who suggested to me twice recently that I should try a gluten-free diet - this woman is wise and I decided that I should respect her advice.

I am astonished at the results! Really, amazed. I am just so much calmer that I would not have believed it - and this is taking into account the fact that I had already come a long way in conquering my nerves over the last year or so. I love it - it is just a revelation not feeling the twang of nerves all the time. In the last week or so I have been in several social situations that would have floored me a year ago - and I have sailed through them without thinking twice.

I was diagnosed with IBS some years ago, and have tried various strategies to combat it. I had worked out that if I ate small meals, and avoided trigggers like chocolate, things were better. I have also been taking probiotics on and off for several years. But nothing has improved my life like cutting out gluten. I knew all about the links between mind and body; I have been saying for a long time that we should look at the whole person. But I had no idea that by removing one type of foodstuff from my diet, such a huge difference would be made, not just to my body, but to my mind too.

To be fair, I have also been seeing a counsellor for CBT, and I am sure that is part of the picture. I am also re-reading my book on the Alexander technique. Maybe I am just finally in the place to see some proper improvements in my life. And of course, everything is not always perfect - sometimes I still feel slightly stressed. Like this afternoon, for example, when the children had friends over and for some reason the only game they wanted to play was fighting. But I seem to have finally found a more solid foundation - the sense of self that I have been lacking. Long may it last!

Louise x

Free Book Today!

2011-12-18T04:43:00.000-08:00

Hi all

Did I mention that we had signed up to the Amazon lending library, so my book is available on there? Actually, all my books are, I think.

Today is a freeee day! Some sort of promotion - beats me, but Paul thinks it is a good idea. So you can download my memoir for free. I think you get a month then to read it. And you do not have to own a Kindle to take advantage of this offer - the book can be downloaded to any PC or other computer type device, iPhone or whatever.

Just go to Amazon Kindle and download the app - it is all quick and easy to do, as I know because I have done it my very own self and I am not that computer savvy. Click on the link at the top of this page, or go to Amazon and Google 'Surviving Schizophrenia: A Tale of Sound and Fury'.

And enjoy. If you want to, of course - no obligation.

Have a good day. I will write more soon.

Louise x

Rethink Meeting

2011-12-12T13:10:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone

Met the lady from Rethink today. I was confused, because I had been emailing this lady, who I had only met once at the Rethink AGM, and hoping I would recognise her again when we finally met. I had a picture in my mind of who she was. But she turned out to be someone completely different - although I did remember her from the AGM, she was not the person I thought I had been emailing and was going to meet! The one I thought it was had been sitting at the same lunch table as Paul and I, this one was sitting at the next table.

So that was an embarrassing start. Luckily the two ladies who I had brought with me to the meeting were much more socially ept than I, and while I was burbling on about how I thought she was someone else they smoothed things over, bought her a cup of tea, etc... I have not felt more like someone with a mental health problem for a long time.

We talked through setting up the group, and came to some conclusions, although I must say I am a little befuddled by it all. The whole business seems to be a little political. Which I suppose it would be if a large organisation is to be involved. They have to have rules and regulations and so on. I suppose the best I can do is give it a try. I want to get things up and running in the New Year, although nobody else seems to be in much of a hurry.

Anyway, it went ok, I suppose. I do let my mouth run away with me sometimes in conversation; I wish I could express myself more lucidly. I am still so much clearer on the page than in person. Maybe I always will be.

The wind is raging outside. The kids had trouble settling down to sleep, because of the racket. Paul has gone to the supermarket - he likes to shop in the evenings. Hope he gets home soon.

That's all for now, folks!

Louise x

Not Long Now!

2011-12-11T13:07:00.000-08:00

Hi All

Not long until what, I hear you wonder... A big lunch. Lots of presents (for the children). A nice long walk with the dog. A visit to the relatives. At this time of year it seems as though everything is building up to that one day. Sometimes I think it would be nice if we celebrated in lots of little bursts, instead of one big one. It would take the pressure off. But then I suppose we do that too, with birthdays and Easter and such, so I am just burbling on really...

I am hoping to blitz all the present buying tomorrow morning. I have done some bits and pieces already of course, but time is running out now - I have only a couple of free days before the end of term, and one thing I know is that it is not going to be possible to shop with the children in tow.

I tried it on Friday - took my Mum to the shops, with Toddler. He was very good considering, but did encourage me to overspend in the DVD department. He kept badgering me to buy more DVDs, and I must have been feeling weak, because I complied. They weren't just for him, but for all the family, they were inexpensive, and I do think DVDs make good gifts.

But then I had to tell Toddler he had to forget I had bought them, because they had to go to a central sorting office for Santa to see who they should be given to, and if he was really good we might get the DVDs he had chosen back (?!). 'I have forgotten already' he said, but when we got back to the car he kept asking to be allowed to hold the bag. 'No, you have to forget we bought them' I told him again, and he replied again, 'I have forgotten already'. He hasn't mentioned it since, but I am sure he is just biding his time.

Toddler was funny at dinner time. All the children were being silly, as they so often are at mealtimes, but as his big sister was holding forth he said to her, 'Don't you start!' in an extremely high and mighty tone. At the end of the meal his big brother sang 'Silent Night' which he has been learning at school, and he listened most patiently. He must be growing up. I will have to find a new way of referring to him soon - he is no longer the Toddler he was when I began this blog (two whole years ago!).

After the shopping tomorrow I have a meeting scheduled with the lady from Rethink Mental Illness who is going to help me set up a new group in this area, hopefully starting early next year. I do hope it works out, I feel very positive about doing something...positive, and useful. I want the emphasis of the group to be on Recovery, and I will start by handing everyone out a document referring them to all the useful sites and blogs I have found on the Web. Although I suppose not everyone may have access to the Internet. Anyway, I will keep you all posted, and if anyone has any useful ideas for the group, any suggestions about how it should run or what might help people, please post your comments below - any help would be much appreciated.

All the best

Louise x

YouTube film about Recovery from Schizophrenia

2011-12-09T15:37:00.000-08:00

Hi Guys

Spent a good evening, looking at other mental health blogs, and following various links. This is a film I came across on YouTube, by following a link from a comment on Ron Unger's great blog.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZud_Q40Vd8&feature=channel_video_title

This guy is very young (24) but had 'schizophrenia' from the age of ten. He is better now, largely because he finally found the courage to tell his GP about the paranoia. The film is well worth watching.

On a different note, my dear husband, who helps me sometimes with techy things, has this evening, while I have been browsing the net, made my memoir available to lend to (Amazon Premier Account Holders?) in the USA. Amazon have just set up a lending library, and we thought that my book might as well be a part of it. Just thought I would mention that. I think that one way to beat this mental illness thing is to stand up and be counted, and if this young man (on You Tube) is willing to put himself out to fight the stigma, I am going to redouble my efforts to do the same.

Louise x

LIDL

2011-12-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone

Ventured to Lidl today. Had both boys off school - the big one is really poorly, with a hacking cough and a cold that has been lingering for weeks. The little one was sneezing and coughing this morning, so I thought he might as well keep his brother company, since play school is optional. They have had a whale of a time.

This morning I cut their hair! I was fully prepared to rush them off to the hairdresser if it all went pear shaped, as I was sure it would. But to my amazement they look great. Aided by the fact that they always look great, but they really are good haircuts. They have had worse haircuts, in proper hairdressing shops - and better, of course.

We went to Lidl at lunchtime - seemed to be really short of supplies, and since Paul and I are out tonight I had no choice but to take the boys shopping with me. They were lovely but annoying; hanging on to the trolley so that I could hardly manoeuvre it, they were genuinely convinced that they were helping me and I didn't like to insist otherwise. I ended up buying them a book each. Toddler's was an animal atlas, which was not as good as its cover suggested. (Why didn't I guess why it was shrink wrapped?) His big brother's book was great though - a flip page quiz book, which is just up his street. He will read factual books for hours - in fact he will read anything for hours these days, he has become such a bookworm. My boy!

Drove to collect my eldest from school - I don't usually do that but it was pouring today and she is singing in a carol concert tonight, so I thought she deserved a couple of hours at home to chill out first.

I am feeling a bit stressed again. Mainly because of my Mum and her recent health scare, although she seems to be back on track now - she has been thoroughly checked at the hospital, and is back home with her dog now. She can't drive for a while, so tomorrow I am going to head up there with Toddler (hopefully his brother will be back at school) and take her to the shops. She will enjoy that.

I think I am also stressed because I haven't written much recently - keep failing to get into a routine. I will get organised soon. Only one more week until the school holidays, hurrah!

All the best to all of you

Louise x

TIA - would you know the signs?

2011-12-06T05:23:00.000-08:00

Hi Guys

This is where watching very little TV, and almost never the commercial channels, has done me a disservice - apparently there is a TV advert which gives the FAST signs - Face, Arms, Speech - of an impending stroke. Not knowing this, I sat and watched my Mum have a TIA - a mini-stroke - in my front room on Friday night. We were having a conversation about recent tests she had been having at her GP surgery, because she had signs of high cholesterol, when she was suddenly struck dumb. I could see that she wanted to speak but was having trouble finding her words, and when she did work out what to say, it came out all wrong. A few minutes later it was all over, and she was sitting and speaking normally.

I phoned my friend, who is a nurse, and she said it was probably a TIA and that the GP would want to see Mum immediately and would probably send her to A and E. I phoned the GP, but he did not want to see her. She had had a recent blood pressure check and a blood test, of which he had the results as he spoke to me. He told me to get her some aspirin and start her taking them, and that he would write her a prescription for some medication to lower her cholesterol levels, which we should pick up on Monday, and that was pretty much it. Now it is pretty much business as usual - she has been staying with my sister since Friday but is due to go home today. Hopefully she will soon get a referral to the TIA clinic at the hospital, where they will hopefully confirm that all is now ok.

The worst thing, in a way, is that she has been told not to drive for six weeks, which is a huge blow to her independence. So she is going to need a good deal of looking after. Poor old Mum.

Of course, nobody wants to be reminded of the mortality of their parents, but it must be worse for the parents themselves. Even a minor incident like this is a huge blow to the confidence. My children were devastated, of course, once they realised what had happened in front of their eyes; although at the time they didn't even notice. Afterwards, they were terribly upset at what could have become of Granny, and I felt so much for them. Death is the bogey man for all of us, but he seems most threatening when you are young, before you have weathered a few storms and realise that nothing is the end of the world, except of course the end of the world.

I feel that I have coped surprisingly well through all this. I have spent a lot of my life in a state of arrested development (until I had my own children, in fact) and the biggest fear I could name was always that of losing my mother. But at times when that loss has seemed most likely - on several occasions over the last few years - I have not found myself descending into panic, but reacting instead to the situations as they have evolved. I think it is because I have more balance at the core now - my family, my home. I have to manage when times are hard, I have to teach my children how to manage.

I would hate to lose my Mum, at any time. I will never be ready to part with the person who gave me life. But maybe these happenings are a way of toughening us all up, preparing us. We know that we are not immortal, but we have to keep ignoring it - until one day the fact pops up and bops us in the face. Then the only challenge will be not to fall flat over.

Louise x

Notes on a Book

2011-12-01T15:29:00.000-08:00

Hi again

Well, I did some work on the book last night, kind of. I was really tired, but I made rough notes of the chapter headings and a few lines on each, up to about Chapter 8, just so I felt I had done what I set out to do. I suppose I can build on that...

I went to the Ladies Group at the local church tonight. I feel a bit odd about admitting to that - I have this childish inclination to scoff at organised religion, although I find myself becoming more spiritual as life goes on. In actual fact I have an unshakeable conviction that there is definitely a God in the world, because I am so happy these days - which as my atheist friend pointed out, is most egocentric of me. But when I am in church, I feel this rebelliousness, as if I am still a cynical, unhappy and disillusioned thirteen year old sitting in school assembly feeling that everyone around me, quietly praying and conforming, is deluding themselves and trying to decieve others by holding out false hopes, mirages.

(The next bit is in the book, you can switch off if you have read it). I was a very religious child - I loved reading, and the Bible was my default setting when I had nothing else to read. Jesus was definitely the man for me, and I was very disappointed at the age of eleven or so to be told he didn't exist and that I was Jewish from now on. I came to embrace Judaism, but unfortunately it didn't feel the same way about me - as a reform Jew I never felt that I was properly accepted as one of the clan. But a person can't keep changing their moral bedrock, and although there are a lot of churches around where I live, all staffed and populated by lovely and welcoming people, I have got out of the 'Jesus habit'. Apart from anything else, I feel it would be betraying the Jewish race to become a Christian - I have read so much about their (our?) struggles and the Holocaust and so on. I have been to Yad Vashem, for goodness sake.

As people sometimes put on their Facebook status, 'It's complicated'. So I have come to the conclusion that my belief in God is best kept private and that organised religion is not for me - but I love the ladies group! One of the ladies there is a proper maverick - she told everyone present this evening that you won't find God in church (I know her quite well and although she is a very active member of the church she seems quite disillusioned with the politics of it all). She is very sensible, lovely, and makes me feel that not only is it possible to believe in God on your own terms, it is actually the best way.

Lights are always dim in the Ladies group, to lower the reserve, I believe. Tonight's meeting was aimed at opening up, talking about ourselves, and attendees had been encouraged to bring something to show, which said something about who they were. One lady brought a journal, another showed the contents of her handbag, another had a cobbler's last. It was extremely interesting. I love the stories of peoples' lives, and almost everybody shared something (I didn't, but I have spoken before to this group, so most of them present already knew my stuff, about the book and this blog and so on. In fact, the reception I received from them originally, when I read out excerpts from my poetry book, really helped me to open up generally).

I haven't been to the group for quite a few months, but am going to start attending regularly again. Apart from anything else, there is always a welcoming cup of tea, fresh flowers on the tables as well as chocolates and sweets, and tonight there was cheesecake and chocolate eclairs and champagne truffles! Enough to cheer up anyone and make you feel valued, even without the sense of fellowship and fun... Just a little prayer at the end, but a sensible one and one that did not mention the word Jesus, so nothing I couldn't say a genuine 'Amen' to.

To go back to the rest of the day now... I visisted my niece after dropping Toddler at play school. Her baby was sick all over me almost as soon as I arrived, so I had to go home and change. I was soaked, literally, to the skin. I walked the dog. I saw my counsellor (I could write reams about this counselling, but shouldn't and so won't. I asked for counselling six months ago, anticipating a period of stress around the release of my book, and the sessions have finally started. Fortunately, in the meantime I had weathered the period of stress, but decided to go ahead with the counselling, since there is always room to improve. Well, there certainly is in my case.)

Then I tidied. A lot. Last night Paul went into the loft to get the advent calendars and Christmas cards that were left over from last year. We are not feeding the children year-old chocolates by the way, these are refillable advent calendars, with little fabric pouches that Paul spent the evening stocking with Roses chocolates and then tying up the tiny red ribbons on. Top Daddy. Meanwhile, I was busy trying to start my new book.

Anyway, Paul had also chucked down a load of bin liners from the loft filled with clothes that I had put away at various points over the years and needed to sort out again. Also old cuddly toys, ancient duvets and so on. So this morning I got up and made my bleary way to the kithcen through a hall filled with all these bags of stuff, and felt quite overwhelmed by them - although I had asked him to get it all down for me.

I didn't feel that I was going to be able to tackle the mess. But I had to - because the alternative prospect, of steering around the clutter for days, was worse. So that was my day - sorting out loads and loads of old tat (some of it not tat at all actually). I did the same on Tuesday - a massive tidy of my younger daughter's bedroom, which took almost the whole day. I know what I am doing - finding excuses not to knuckle down properly to the writing. Displacement activity, they call it. But the side effect is a tidy house, or something heading, almost certainly temporarily, in that direction. So, every cloud has a silver lining.

Louise x

Weekday Weakness

2011-11-30T12:01:00.000-08:00

Hi Guys

I have figured out that I really need to get on with some work - by which I mean writing, but with a purpose. My recovery book is still not much more than a series of notes, and could quickly become a jumble of them, so I am going to start this evening by ordering the thing, writing up a proper plan. So that I can see where I am going with it, chapter by chapter.

If I don't have a project on the go my mind tends to wander and pick over stuff, and worry it. I have spent the last few months recovering from my foot op, and trying to organise the house, which fell into chaos when I couldn't clean and tidy at my usual pace, and settling the kids into their school routines, and...so on. Now before I know what has happened I am feeling unfulfilled, a bit miserable and a bit fidegety, and I know why.

So here goes! I will keep you all posted.

Louise x

PS - I signed up a while ago to a website called the Happiness Project (there is a book of the same name) and I get an email sent free to my inbox every day, with a quote for the day. They are often uplifting, and quaint and also surprisingly apt. It is a nice thing, so I thought I would share it. Yesterday's quote was by Oscar Wilde, something like 'I must find a way to make everything that has happened to me, good for me'. I liked that. Here's the link: http://www.happiness-project.com/

Manic Weekend

2011-11-27T13:37:00.000-08:00

Hi all

I have just survived the busiest weekend ever - it can only get better now. We have had a child's party (great fun!) two shows, a school Christmas Fayre and countless other committments to get through - and we have done it! Half past nine and I am ready for bed, but hurrah!

Now I am on a mission to keep the children well through the winter months. We have had so many years of coughs and colds and chest infections, but now that they are getting bigger and stronger I feel that we may be starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. (As I started that sentence Toddler just began coughing in his sleep: talk about tempting fate!)

I have realised today that our home phone literally never rings these days. We can go days without a single call. I suppose that is because everyone has mobiles and sends text messages these days. Makes me feel like a bit of a billy-no-mates at times though...Then again, I used to spend far too much time on the phone.

Everyone should be back at school and work tomorrow. That means I can crack on with my book. I will have to find some discipline at some point... Give myself a target of a set number of hours to work each day, or each week.

Anyway, I am waffling, and none of this can possibly be of interest to anybody but me...

Which leads me to the question, is any blog post better than no post at all?

Probably not.

All the best to all of you

Louise x

Schizophrenia and Stress

2011-11-24T04:32:00.000-08:00

Hi there

I am feeling a little stressed this morning. I think it is because the house is a bit of a tip (Paul is redecorating the front room) and Toddler is having his birthday party on Sunday. I wanted to take him and some friends to Pizza Hut, but he insisted on having the party at home, so I will just have to get organised at the weekend and have a massive tidy-up and sort out.

On the bright side, quite a few people have already announced that their kids can't make it, which is understandable because it is such a busy time of year.  There will still be plenty of attendees (my four can make quite a rollicking party on their own and I know at least six of Toddler's friends are coming, and some of his cousins). But at least we will have room to move now - I always ending up inviting too many to my children's parties because I don't want anyone to feel left out, so I am quite pleased when people say no (although usually they don't).

The weekend is going to be really busy - we have four big things to do just on Saturday. All nice things, but still. But I think that must be playing on my mind too - generally I am quite zen like and calm these days, but today I have a creeping sensation of anxiety.

I am going to tackle it by writing (more on my Recovery book, hopefully not just in note form now, but actually make an attempt at a proper beginning). Then I am going to go shopping for some of the party bits and pieces, so I feel as though I have made a start on that. I find that doing is the solution to stress these days - stop worrying, start doing.

Which brings me to the title of this post - Schizophrenia and Stress. The very word Schizophrenia makes me feel stressed. And just a few short years ago I would have thought that the stress and anxiety I happen to be feeling this morning are symptomatic of my illness, which would have made me feel even worse.  But I am moving away from all that now - I no longer consider myself to be Schizophrenic (which makes it odd using the word in my blog, but I do that to make the point that it is a misnomer, an unfair and misleading use of guesswork that can adversely affect the whole of a person's life). If I am stressed, then there is a reason, and by accepting that I can deal with it, and the stress dissipates as a result.

What a lot of damage has been done to so many people! I am one of the lucky ones - no-one would have known my diagnosis if I had not announced it (after many years of keeping it a secret). But those people who are still medicated, still in and out of hospital, total victims of the system, freaked out because of their diagnoses of schizophrenia - who is going to give them back their lives? It is so unspeakably sad.

Anyway, I feel better already after that little rant. Writing as therapy. Sorry if I sometimes repeat stuff - I feel that this blog could do with a good sorting out and tidying up - a bit like my house!

All in good time.

Louise x

Facebook and Schizophrenia

2011-11-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

Hi Everybody

I was delighted to find on Facebook today that Rethink made a very perceptive and succinct post listing the five chief myths re schizophrenia. I couldn't resist commenting, and linking to here, so I just thought I would say to anyone who has arrived from that source - go to the early posts if you want to find out about my story. I have recently been considering trying to order the posts in some way, so that people could see at a glance what is relevant to what they want to know - assuming that any of it is.

For now, all I can say is that when I started this blog, I wrote it anonymously to work through the issues I had dealing with a diagnosis of schizophrenia, and trying to keep it secret from anyone who knew me. Two years later, I have come a long way, to the point that lots of the blog posts nowadays are not particularly about mental illness, although it is still a subject that interests me, and which will probably always have a bearing on my life.

So I am afraid that newcomers may have to trawl through a bit of a backlog - if you want to. |Go back to the early posts. Alternatively, look for my ebook on Amazon Kindle - 'Surviving Schizophrenia: A Tale of Sound and Fury' by Louise Gillett. You can download the first eight or so chapters to your computer, Kindle, or any reading device, free of charge, with no obligation to buy the rest of it. It should make you smile (sounds strange for such a subject, but take a look!)

Louise x

The New Book

2011-11-21T04:52:00.000-08:00

Hello out there

I have just put the phone down on a long call from a friend, who has just finished reading my book. Despite her reassurances that it is all well written and very interesting, I know the book needs more work - it is hard to define, but it is a bit like when I was at University - I knew if I had written an outstanding essay or done really well in an exam, and I want to feel like that about my book before it goes to hard print.

I suppose some other people must feel differently - the majority of students when I was at Uni seemed genuinely not to know whether they had done well or badly in tests etc. And most young people I know now are on tenterhooks when it comes to waiting for exam results. But back then I suspected that they must be hiding something - I felt that everyone knew how they have performed even before their work was marked, because I did. I was never surprised when I received a mediocre mark, because I knew it was for mediocre work.

Thus with my book. It is good, I know that. It is very good in some ways. But it is not brilliant - it is not a bestseller, not ground shaking. Not yet. (Paul will hate me for writing this, he says you should never put yourself down because there are plenty of other people willing to do it for you. And he is right in a way, but I want to be honest about how I feel about what I write, because the honesty is important to the writing too. My book will help people to understand schizophrenia, or the diagnosing of it, better and to be reassured if they or those they love are told they have it. It will give hope to certain people, if they stumble across it. But I want it to be more than that. I want it to be of universal interest, universal application, universal hope. I want the average person who reads it to feel that their understanding has been enhanced in some way. And I won't feel that it is properly finished until and unless it accomplishes those aims. And if I don't feel that I have achieved that then I will just move on and start another book. on a completely different subject).

Which brings me to another point. Or two. The first is that I need an agent. I want an outside person to give me an honest, critical assessment of the book and to take up the job of marketing it - to find me a publisher. (Readers, if you know anyone in the field, please point them to me.) And the second is that instead of working on the book some more, trying to improve it as much as possible, and then, or alternatively, write a book on recovery, I am going to amalgamate these two jobs. I am going to improve the book and make it about recovery as much as about my history. So that I can use the subtitle that my dear friend just suggested to me on the phone, 'A journey of hope and recovery', and know that it is properly true.

Let me know what you think.

Louise x

Empowerment

2011-11-19T14:31:00.000-08:00

Hi guys

I feel truly empowered today. I mowed the lawn! 'Huh?' you may well be thinking. But this honestly was a big moment for me, because it is usually something Paul does. We have been living in this house for ten and a half years, and for all that time, he has mowed the lawn. Before that, I lived in various flats, none of which had a garden. A long, long time ago, I used to mow my Mum's lawn (fifteen, twenty years?) but that had receded into the distant mists of memory.

It has been so long since I mowed a lawn that I honestly believed it was something I could not, and should not, do. I thought I might mow through the cable accidentally, or run over something which would break the mower...I am not sure what I thought, but gradually over the years mowing the lawn began to seem like something that was totally out of my reach.

Part of the problem, of course, was that I did not need to mow the lawn, or particularly want to. OK, sometimes Paul left the job longer than I would have liked, but he always got on with it eventually. It is not one of his favourite tasks, but I reasoned that he did it better than I would have done. In the same way as he used to fill my car with petrol for me, he mowed the lawn and that made my life easier (he stopped filling my car up a couple of years ago, and I still sometimes feel a bit resentful about having to do it myself. Incredible, that. I used to be so independent).

I have been hemmed about with anxieties for a long time. In some ways, they have paralysed me. For example, I convinced myself for many years that I could not drive on the motorway or do any long distance driving, and it is only quite recently that I realised I am capable of this too. It is amazing how you can be hedged in by your mind, if you allow this to happen. Or rather, if it happens and you don't find or develop the tools to reverse the process.

Anyway, at the moment Paul is really busy. He seems no sooner to finish one job in the house or on one of the cars than he starts the next. Plus, of course, he works full time. So when I looked out at the garden this morning and decided that I wanted the lawn mowed, I knew that somehow I would have to do it myself.

I nearly lost my resolve. By the time Paul had got the mower out of the shed, where he keeps it behind loads of other stuff, and found the extension lead and set the whole thing up, he probably would have needed very little persuausion to just keep on going and mow the lawn for me.

But the kids had got wind of the fact that I was going to mow it, and this was big news for them. They all lined up in the conservatory to watch the show. And I decided that I had better give them value for money, so I got started. And carried on. And realised (remembered) that it is actually quite a pleasant job, and not difficult at all (and is indeed a bit like hoovering, as my niece had pointed out earlier over lunch, to hoots of derision from Paul).

The kids quickly lost interest, and started to play with the keyboard that I had just moved from the shed to the conservatory (I have had a massive clear out today). It was more lovely than I can explain properly to watch them through the glass, all four of them messing about together, dancing and singing in unison. They were playing so happily, and so unselfconsciously. Wonderful.

I carried on mowing, and was about half way through my task when I realised that I was getting a huge sense of achievement from this hoovering of the garden. I was doing something that I had convinced myself was beyond my capabilities, and it felt better than I could have imagined (and I do realise this must sound pathetic). I then realised something else - that going out to work would feel the same. That is something I have ruled out of my life for so long now. But I feel that I could do it. And even though I am not convinced that me going out to work would be the best thing for the family, it would almost be worth trying it just for a day or two, if only to get the sense of achievement that it would bring.

In the last day or two though, when I think about working I realise that really I just want to write and that writing is probably where my future lies. Nevertheless, I am still considering the options, because it feels so good to have those options.

All the best to all of you

Louise x

How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran

2011-11-18T15:49:00.000-08:00

Hi again

This title 'How to Be a Woman' by Caitlin Moran is one of eighteen books currently on my bedside table. I have just counted. Yesterday the pile appeared to be teetering, and I thought, 'That's odd, it's not long since I took a whole load of books out to the shed' (Paul built the shed several years ago for me to write in: I now have a corner and the kids have the rest for their toys).

Anyway. I have read eight of the books (they can go out to the shed now). I have partly read three (one of them I am reading in stages with my older son). The rest are just gathering dust.

But the reason I mentioned it is because my son noticed the Caitlin Moran one the other day. He looked at it. He is a good reader for his age, is at that stage where he suddenly reads stuff all over the place. And he looked mystified as he said, 'But you already know how to be a woman'.

So sweet. I just had to share that.

That is one of the books I haven't yet read, and I should. Trouble is, it has gone to the bottom of the pile because it has been so widely reviewed that I feel I don't really need to read it now - I have already got its measure. I just wrote my Poppy Shakespeare review - the first Amazon review I have done, which I can hardly believe - and then had to rewrite it because I had given the plot away in my first attempt.

I am definitely going to review every book I read now. And I will find it easy to start - I started keeping a record of what I had read and what I thought of them about a year ago (stopped after about six months, but there is still plenty in there to get me started). It is quite nice to see my name in print in a different place, and I enjoyed writing the Poppy Shakespeare review, although it was very brief in the end (once I had taken all the bits out that gave the story away).

Anyway. Hope you are all well and happy. More soon.

Louise x

Benefits, Madness and Laughter (not necessarily in that order)

2011-11-18T14:08:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone

I was thinking today, I have a bit of a death wish about being on benefits - the more I keep shouting about not wanting to be on them any more, the more chance someone is going to take them away. And they do provide a buffer against stress...but let's not go through all that again. I feel that change is on its way, and that it will be a Good Thing when it happens.

My girls (who keep their eyes and ears open so wide you would think they are in training for MI5) have cottoned on to the benefits thing. The older one was upset that I am on benefits - she said she hadn't realised we were so poor. The younger one is using it as a stick with which to poke me. We were messing around this evening, being silly, and she said, 'I wouldn't give up benefits if I was you. Because you are MAD!' Then she kept poking. 'In fact' she said, 'I think they should double them. Because you are SO MAD!' She was delighted with herself because I was laughing so much at her cheek, and I was just astounded, wondering where on earth it all comes from. She is nine years old! How did she get such an understanding of what makes people tick and of how the world works?

But it is good that I can laugh, and that I can be more open with my daughters. I have reassured my elder one that we are not in poverty, and not about to descend into it. When I finally stopped laughing, I told the little one she should have more respect, and more belief in her Mama - I am going to make it good in life, even though I may be taking the long route round. But a few short years ago I could not even have said the word 'Mad' out loud - now I can laugh at someone taking the mickey out of me for it. The shame has gone, and with it the fear, and it is only a matter of time before all the anxiety and other nonsense follows the rest of the unecessary emotions out of the door.

More soon

Louise x

Poppy Shakespeare

2011-11-17T04:53:00.000-08:00

Hi all

They were selling off some books at the Rethink AGM the other day, and I bought a couple. I had read the reviews for Poppy Shakespeare a while ago, and meant to get around to reading it sometime, so when I saw it for sale for just a pound I was delighted. It took me a few days to get around to starting it though, but when I did (yesterday) I was surprised at how good it is. It is unputdownable.

I suppose this is partly because I have spent some time in a day hospital, although it was quite unlike the one portrayed, or at least my experience of it was quite different. What is good about the book is that it is written from the perspective of a patient - a very messed-up one, one with (almost) the worst childhood imaginable, but one who knows the system, and who plays it. It is just so funny, but at the same time so awful. I can't remember finding anything so funny since the Adrian Mole books - but then I read those when I was a teenager, and identified with Adrian in a similar way.

But poor poor Poppy Shakespeare, a sane woman who somehow finds herself in the day hospital on a compulsory basis.... So it is heart-wrenching too. I am definitely going to write a review of this book as soon as I have finished it. And I am going to learn from it too - my book is humourous, but the humour tails off about a third into the book. Lightness of touch is definitely to be recommended.

Although of course P S is fiction, which makes a difference (although I do seem to remember reading that the author had some sort of insight into mental illness; if I recall wrongly I apologise profusely. You certainly would not think from the quality of the writing that this was the case. Which sounds really rude to those who have been mentally ill, including myself, but I am just trying to make the point that I am not being rude. Although if Clare Allen never had been ill or spent time inside a day hospital the book would be just too unkind for words, so she must have been....It would have been quicker if I just Googled the facts on the internet instead of speculating, but it's too late now. Well, it's not, but I'm not going to right now).

Anyway....I was actually a bit jealous of Clare Allen recently - I read that she was teaching an Arvon course. I would like to teach at Arvon one day - I reckoned when I was there about a year ago that I might achieve this goal in ten years' time, but this 'goal' may well be deluded. Having read (most of) her book, I would now love to take one of her courses - what a writer! She really has the hang of story telling, which still eludes me - most of my writing is still journalistic in tone. Now I am starting to wish that I had fictionalised my own book, but I am not sure if I could have done.

Poppy Shakespeare is so good I really had to tear myself away to write this blog post, and I am well aware that I should be doing housework and neither reading nor blogging. Hey ho.

Didn't get an interview for the Time to Change job, by the way. Applicants called for interview were due to be notified by email yesterday at the latest. I checked my email obsessively, most of the day, but there was nothing from Time to Change. Hey ho again.

Still want to get off benefits and into work, somehow. Reading Poppy Shakespeare makes it seem even more urgent. The big issue at the day hospital is the workings of the so-called 'Ministry of Madness' and the MAD money forms that patients have to fill out, around which their daily existence seems to hinge. It is cringeworthy. Anybody who hasn't read it yet really really should. I wonder if Clare Allen has written any more books? That I will Google.

So, do I have anything else to write about? Not particularly. I suppose I will put my efforts into starting up a Rethink group. It will keep me busy for now, and hopefully pave the way to employment somehow too. I will also plug on with the writing - because first and foremost a writer is what I am, even though sometimes other writers seem to be a lot better at it than me. Which is so not fair! (But is probably because they work harder at it).

Bye for now

Louise x

Another interesting blog

2011-11-16T06:35:00.000-08:00

Hi again

This guy recovered, or as he prefers to term it, was cured from schizophrenia when he was thirty, which is now thirty years ago. So there is a wealth of experience here:

http://skybluecure.blogspot.com/search?updated-max=2006-04-19T22%3A36%3A00-06%3A00&max-results=2

I read a lot of it the other day, need to go back and finish.

He is completely well now, and I guess by his 'Skyblue' standards I am not quite there - he suffers from no anxieties for example, and I still do. But I do like to read someone who writes from the perspective that complete cure is possible - because belief that one can become better is essential in order to be able to do so. This is where psychiatrists are failing their patients most - in refusal to believe in them as complete human beings.

I want to make the point today that for all my attempts to write clearly on the subject of mental health, I am only speculating a lot of the time. I don't know a lot about schizophrenia really, except for my own experience of it, which I have analysed a lot over the years, and the experiences of others who were ill alongside me. I know, for example, of two men who made amazing recoveries, both of who attended the same day hospital as me. Both of them got better after they embarked on relationships with mental health nurses from the hospital - from this I conclude that the love of a good and strong person is a vital aid to recovery.

Also, I write about schizophrenia from the perspective of someone with a chaotic upbringing and very little or no family support. Therefore I cannot speak for the experiences of those who have had loving chidlhoods, except in so far as they have experimented with drugs such as cannabis, where their experience overlaps with my own. For this reason I may seem dismissive of family 'carers'. Rationally, I know that they are loving people, who want the best for those who they support. I can see this, and I understand it.

When I write about how families can sometimes hold a person back, I am personalising the issue. My mother is an alcoholic - I have always felt secure about the fact that she loves me (I think I would have completely disintegrated without this knowledge) but as a mother when I was growing up she was useless. I see her failings all too clearly now that I am a mother myself - I know how much attention children need, and how little I was given. I still love her though, and she is a good Granny to my kids.

After I became unwell, I became emotionally reliant on my sisters. I tried to cling to them - they had homes, children, they seemed secure. They led their lives successfully. I longed to learn from them. I couldn't let go, because I felt that I needed their approval, their validation, their love of me. It is only since I have had a family of my own that I have been able to move on properly - to approach the world from an adult perspective, to stop being so sensitive. I still have a way to go!

Another point that I wanted to make is about psychiatric drugs. I believe that they are over-prescribed, that people should only take them when they choose to do so and that they should be encouraged to believe that they can manage without them. Because they can. However, I never stopped taking any medication without the full knowledge, consent and monitoring of a psychiatrist. I would have been too scared to do anything else.

So really I was quite fairly treated by the mental health system - except when I was sectioned. I was lucky, though, because I could have been swallowed up by the system - it was only my longing for a child, and my discovery that the drugs had made me infertile, that helped me to find my way out. The diagnosis nearly did for me! It does upset me when I see people who have been on medication for many years, and who are basically walking shells, but I don't know all the circumstances behind their stories. I only suspect that things could have, and should have, been different for them.

Anyway, that is enough about me. I am only rattling on about this because I have embarked on my book about recovery, so the matters of the hows and whys are in the forefront of my mind. I am really enjoying the writing process this time - writing about mental health in a positive way is very cathartic!

Bye for now

Louise

The Schizophrenia Commission

2011-11-14T06:16:00.000-08:00

Hi again

At the Rethink AGM on Saturday, Paul and I met Terry Bowyer, who has a diagnosis of schizophrenia and who has been invited to sit on the Schizophrenia Commission. He is collecting recovery stories for the consideration of the Commission, and he asked me to send mine in.

Sorry, if it seems self-aggrandizing to publish it here. It represents several hours of work, which is why I am doing so. Not because I think it is brilliant or anything! Also, I decided on Saturday to go ahead with an idea that I have had for a new book on the subject of recovery from schizophrenia. This statement is my starting point. I have no idea how many thousand words it contains, because I forgot to do a word count, but I know that I will have many many thousands more to go before I am finished. It feels good to be on a mission again.

Louise x

Recovery

I am pleased to have been offered this chance to give evidence to the Schizophrenia Commission about my experience of diagnosis with, and recovery from, schizophrenia.

I use the term 'recovery' in its fullest sense. I have been free of medication and free of symptoms for twelve years now. I have a husband, a home, and four young children – all things that I never thought would be possible at the age of twenty-five when I was given the diagnosis. At that time I accepted what I was told; that the outlook was bleak in the extreme, that I would get worse as I became older and that I would have to be on medication for the rest of my life.

I do suffer from anxiety and stress, to some degree, but I know very few people who do not. I do not hear voices, or suffer from delusions or hallucinations, and I have only had these experiences when I have been in the throes of psychosis. The last of these occasions was twelve and a half years ago. I know that I am still classed as 'schizophrenic' in medical terms, but do not consider this to be a true reflection of the facts. Perhaps this is something the Commission could consider – that full recovery from serious mental illness is a reality. In this way, hope could be offered to those given the diagnosis.

In any case, I will set out first a few facts about my history. I was an extremely shy and nervous child. I had a chaotic upbringing – my mother was an alcoholic and my father a gambler. He was also a very volatile character, and extremely verbally abusive. My only happy years were the three I spent at boarding school, Roedean in Brighton, but I had to leave when I was thirteen because of lack of funds. (The school offered me an 'Exhibition', under the terms of which I could remain indefinitely with no fees payable (I was an outstanding student) but my father refused this offer because it was not extended to my older sister, so he felt that it was unfair).

I fell into bad company and bad habits as a teenager – I was extremely unhappy and isolated. I left home at sixteen, lived in various bedsits and smoked a lot of cannabis, but managed to get through my A levels and win a place to study Law at the University of Southampton. I found though, that with no social skills whatsoever and with very low self esteem, I floundered. I had a breakdown when I was nineteen, was sectioned, and spent three months in a mental hospital, St Anns in Poole, Dorset.

The treatment I received in mental hospital was brutal. Forced medication should be outlawed in my opinion, or saved for the most extreme cases; those who have been violent or suicidal. I was neither. The emphasis in hospital was on containment, not understanding, and this amounted to an inhumane system, notwithstanding the good intentions of some members of staff.

When I finally left St Anns I was keen to get on with life. I stopped taking medication gradually, under the supervision of a psychiatrist who I saw as an outpatient. I went back to University and gained an Upper Second Class LLB. However, I was still extremely nervous and insecure. I found it almost impossible to relax in company, although I longed to be more sociable. I felt like an outsider. By the time I graduated, although I was academically qualified to do a professional job, I knew that such work was out of my reach.

Instead I took on work as a waitress and cleaner (I had worked in the catering department at the University throughout my studies, something that was very unusual at that University at that time. I had to make ends meet during the holidays – when most people went home to their families I still had to pay for rent and buy food). My mental health deteriorated without me realising – I started to smoke cigarettes again, then cannabis, and before I knew it I was sectioned again and back in St Anns.

This time I did another three months' stint. I hated everything about that place – the forced medication, the atmosphere of fear, the mixed wards, the humiliation of finding myself in such a situation once again. But by the time I left I was still very weak mentally, and when a psychiatric nurse visited me at home and offered me the opportunity to attend a day hospital, I accepted through lack of any other options. At least this way, I could claim benefits to pay the rent on my flat, and so I would survive.

I was now twenty-five, and it was at the day hospital that my life changed. I was told that schizophrenia had first been diagnosed when I was nineteen, at the time of the first breakdown, but that it had not been thought appropriate to tell me then. Apparently the condition was confirmed by my second breakdown. Although I was confused at the lack of proof of the illness – there was (and remains) no physical test – I was told that there was no chance of recovery unless I accepted the diagnosis. Then, in a room filled with psychiatrists, psychologists, and mental health nurses, I was told that my life was effectively over. They spelled out that I would have to take medication for the rest of my life, and that I would get worse as I got older.

I know I mentioned this earlier in this document; that is because in my opinion the thing that most hindered my recovery was this dismal prognosis. I respected medical opinion, and I believed it. I started smoking again (by a huge effort of willpower I had stopped in the St Anns). I ate constantly – meals were free and plentiful in the day hospital, and my weight and general appearance seemed to be completely unimportant in the context of the fact that I was now a SCHIZOPHRENIC. I gave up hope. For years I took my medication, travelled to the day hospital and basically vegetated. To be fair, there was some effort made at the day hospital towards education – we were told that schizophrenics are more of a danger to themselves than to others, for example, but nothing detracted from my fear of what I had become, and what I might do as a SCHIZOPHRENIC.

After two or three years of this, when I finally began to recover, the impetus came from somewhere within myself. Somehow, I decided that I had had enough. I saw my sisters thriving, with their jobs and their young families, and I wanted what they had – I didn't want to write myself off any more. I didn't want to be fat, so I began to control my food intake. I decided to start exercising – I walked to the local pool every morning and swam. I was offered a flat by Bournemouth Churches Housing Association – the wife of the manager was a receptionist at the day hospital and she put in a word for me. This gave me some self-respect – it was a decent home that I could be proud of and where I felt safe.

I began to work again, as a chambermaid in a local hotel. It was menial and poorly paid, but it kept me active and was as stress-free as a job could be. Eventually I found a better job, in a call centre. Here I sent in an article to the internal newspaper, which resulted in some work setting up a newsletter for the Home Insurance department, and writing some internal communications documents for the call centre manager. I realised my vocation – I was a writer.

It took a while for things to settle properly. I met my husband, and we had a child, but I had my third and final breakdown after she was born. I was under considerable stress – my longed for child was born a month early and was taken directly to the neonatal intensive care unit. But the breakdown was bad – I was sectioned again. It was a huge shock to my system. and was regarded by everyone, including myself, as final proof of the schizophrenia.

I could not give in to the illness though, as I had done before, because I had my child to think about. As soon as I was released from hospital my husband returned to work and I assumed full care of our daughter. I looked after her diligently – played with her constantly, took her for long walks, and to mother and toddler groups. I was determined that she would grow up confident, so I learned to start and to share conversations with other Mums. And it worked! My daughter grew into a perfect little child, and my husband and I decided to cement out union with another. We were advised against it, but fortunately this pregnancy and birth was straightforward, and I remained well afterwards. Two years later we had another child, and eventually our fourth and last, and still I did not require medication. I gradually became more confident of my ability to cope with life.

I realised over time that if I kept my life calm and quiet, I would thrive and so would my children. I am busy these days, and my life is very child centred. My children are growing up to be incredibly smart and grounded, and the pride I take in them has given me the belief in myself that I always lacked. I have a place in society now, and I carry out my daily business as a full-time mother in much the same manner as those around me.

I now recognise and respond to signs of stress; for example if I have difficulty sleeping I make sure that I step back, calm down. I eat well and regularly. I never let myself become agitated to the point where I feel I could lose control. I bear in mind that what is important in life is my family, and that is where I direct my efforts, because I know that without me the home that my husband and I have built would crumble.

Benefits have helped, by removing financial stresses from the picture. I have been in receipt of sickness benefit for many years, but I am now at the point where I want to move on from this. It is hard to get better when one is paid to be ill; but it is hard to give up benefits when they provide a buffer from stress. Perhaps this is an issue that the Commission could address – that there could be more emphasis on provision of paid, therapeutic work for the mentally ill.

I consider myself very fortunate to be able to manage without medication. I think that if I had taken long term medication I would not be as well as I am now. I believe that medication should be used only when necessary, and only when people agree to take it. Mental illness can be dealt with in many other ways, and anti-psychotic medications have many extremely damaging side effects. There have been times in the last twelve years or so when I have wanted some magic pill to relieve the effects of stress and anxiety in my mind – but by exercising, eating and sleeping well, staying calm and quiet, confiding in friends and so on, I have managed without it, and I believe that this has made me a more resilient person.

It has not been a straightforward journey to recovery; the stigma of the condition, the very word 'Schizophrenia' has been a cause of shame and has made me hide my illness for many years, and has certainly contributed to my low self-esteem. The campaign of the charity 'Time to Change' helped here – they gave me the courage to speak out. I would welcome a change in the diagnosis – for many years my GP claimed not to be able to spell the word 'schizophrenia' and wrote 'nervous debility' on my sick notes instead. I wish I had taken the hint.

I believe that if those who have recovered could speak to those who have been recently diagnosed – if I could say, for example, 'I have suffered exactly what you are going through – it is truly awful, but things will improve', this could only be a good thing. To this end, peer support networks should be strengthened, so that hope and inspiration for the future can be passed on to sufferers.

Another point I would like to make is that while carers of the mentally ill are naturally concerned for their well-being, they may disenfranchise the patient. In my own case, my family, although I love them, find it hard to accept even now that I am now healed and as well as they are – they persist in seeing me as vulnerable, as schizophrenic. We can become trapped in others' perceptions of us and find it hard to move on – in this way, to depend on the care of one's family may hinder complete recovery, as the long-term provision of benefit may- although of course it would be far worse to leave the mentally ill alone and destitute. Schizophrenics need to be protected from the adversities of life, but also taught to cope with them.

In my case, I feel the lack of constructive support from my family was actually to my benefit – I have been forced to find my own way through my difficulties and my achievements are more tangible as a result. However, without the support of my husband, I doubt whether I would ever have got better. In the words of Karl Jung, 'A schizophrenic is no longer a schizophrenic when he feels understood by somebody else'. All of us deserve that somebody.

I have experienced some extremely stressful events over the years; my mother, who I adore, had throat cancer, my eldest child was very ill in hospital with a streptococcal infection. But I did not break down in response – and this in itself has given me confidence. I see psychosis as the mind's way of escaping from reality, when reality becomes so awful that one cannot cope. In that way it is a protective device. But the final step to recovery for me has been accepting that I am now completely healed; that I am no longer any more vulnerable than anyone else, that anyone could break down given the circumstances I found myself in, and that I am in fact now much stronger as a result of my experiences. I have written a book about my life so far, 'Surviving Schizophrenia: A Tale of Sound and Fury' under my maiden name, Louise Gillett, and am now embarking on another book detailing the steps that led me to recovery.

I wish the Schizophrenia Commission all the best in their enquiry, and put myself at their disposal should they require any further information.

Rethink AGM and Members Day

2011-11-13T14:22:00.000-08:00

Hi again

Paul and I went to London yesterday, to attend the Rethink Members Day and AGM. The AGM was probably the quickest part actually - just a show of hands on various matters such as voting in new trustees. The rest of the time was taken up with various talks, question and answer sessions, and a workshop in the afternoon - we chose to attend the one on the new Schizophrenia Commission.

We were very well looked after. The conference was held in the Russell Hotel in London - a beautiful place if ever I saw one - and there was tea and coffee on tap most of the day, with cake and biscuits, and a rather sumptuous lunch. Which of course is irrelevant, or should be, but I am easily impressed by posh hotels and good food.

The Rethink staff - there were many present - were very tolerant and patient, as of course they should be in their profession. Some people became upset during the day - not terribly so, but emotional. There is a lot of injustice in the mental health system, and this was very apparent in the type of issue that people wanted to raise. When people speaking out about their problems became overcome by emotion, nobody sniggered or sighed or smirked or tutted. Everybody listened and was sympathetic. That was rather wonderful.

I had high hopes for the Schizophrenia Commission workshop, and it was fairly conducted; opinions were canvassed, listened to and duly noted. However, several people repeated points of view that had already been raised - a lot of parent carers who were present were concerned, for example, that the finger might be pointed at them for not raising their children properly and 'allowing' them to get schizophrenia, or contributing to their development of it, and they became quite passionate while trying to state their case.

The issues of schizophrenia are so complex, and people affected naturally hold strong and passionate views on the subject. It is a good thing to canvas the opinions of those who are personally involved, as sufferers or carers. I came to the conclusion by the end of the day though that it is important to remain detatched - if progress is to be made, we need to keep an objective stance and study and consider the subject carefully and rationally.  Only then will our personal experiences be of value.

When I had a chance to speak, I said that I thought the Commission should look at recovery, and how the message should be put across that recovery from schizophrenia is a possibility - that the outlook at the point of diagnosis should be hopeful. And also, I said, the diagnosis itself should be reviewed - the stigma of manic depression was lessened in an instant by renaming it bipolar disorder, and only after this occurred did such luminati as Stephen Fry and Catherine Zeta Jones put their names to the cause. In the same way, if schizophrenia was retermed a 'nervous debility' for example, the pain and suffering caused by the diagnosis itself, this awful label, would dissipate.

Others in the workshop objected. I think their point of view was that renaming the illness would detract from the seriousness of the condition. But here I really think that the sufferers of schizophrenia should be canvassed thoroughly - and I am convinced that almost all of them would prefer their condition to be differently termed. In fact, Bert Johnson (the Rethink Chairman) himself was present in this workshop and he said there is a precedent for changing the name - that those now spoken of as suffering from learning difficulties used to be known as mental defectives. So he understands.

We were asked for our views on medication. I put my hand up immediately, but I was passed over as I had already spoken. Which was a pity, because everyone who then had a chance to speak spoke on other subjects, and medication was not discussed at all. I got a bit down at this point - will the Commission make any real changes, I wondered? Earlier in the day I had picked up a booklet about research into recovery from mental illness - which, to its credit had been co-written by 'Service Users' as well as mental health professionals. But the research was sponsored by Astra Zeneca.

Of course I had vaguely realised that Rethink must get some funding from the pharmaceutical industry, but I was still dismayed to see it in print. I believe that drugs should only be used in crisis, and only with the consent of the patient, unless the patient truly is a danger to himself or others. I never was a danger, but I was forcibly medicated many times, and the forced administration of medication is the aspect of psychosis that was more frightening, more disturbing, than anything else I remember.

And I was not the only one - I have mentioned on this blog before that one day I watched as a girl broke down in tears for no apparent reason. She was inconsolable, but they were only tears. She would have got tired and stopped crying, even if nobody had done anything. She might have stopped sooner, if somebody had taken the time to talk to her, or listen to why she was suddenly so upset.  But no; the response of the psychiatric team was to descend en masse, drag her off to her room, where I didn't need to be present to know what was happening to her. They pin you down, arms and legs, face down on the bed, pull down your trousers and pants and inject drugs into your buttocks. They did that to a young girl because she cried!

Anyway, what was that I was saying about remaining objective? Hmmm. Well, I think drugs should be short term, and given in conjunction with psychotherapy (another point that was made during the Commission workshop). And then the patient should be consulted all the way, and the drugs should be tapered off, and the patient still consulted and monitored and helped, with the aim being to live drug-free and to learn how to manage any symptoms - anxiety, panic, sleep difficulties and so on, and to eventually learn to monitor and regulate oneself - one's own health.

Instead of which, the assumption is that the schizophrenic patient will need medication for ever. Those doctors who told me that I would need medication for the rest of my life, and that I would get worse as I got older, were nearly right. If I had taken medication for the rest of my life, I would have got worse. The result of long-term anti-psychotic medication is brain damage. By learning to live without it, I have been able to recover.

By the end of the workshop, I asked Paul to go for a short walk with me. We missed a couple of award ceremonies, but I needed some space to think. At the start of the day I had been hoping I could be of some use to Rethink - and that they could be of use to me too, in getting me back to employment. I have recovered, I thought, I could be instrumental in helping others to recover, what could be better? But as the workshop finished, and the event was due to finish just an hour later, I started to feel a bit dismal. All the people I had listened to seemed to have quite a different point of view to me. They were upset about the muddle and injustice in the system. They wanted to know what could be done to improve services. But nobody was very hopeful about complete recovery. Nobody objected to the use of medication. Maybe, I thought, this charity is not for me.

So Paul and I walked and we talked.  We have talked a lot about benefits over the years - I hate taking them, but they have been valuable for relieving stress, for taking away the pressure that would have come with needing to find a job. They have contributed to my recovery. But I have the feeling that a lot of sufferers and their families are accepting the label and the medication because they come with the safety net of the benefits. It is a difficult subject - the single thing I have found most striking about mental hospitals is how poor the patients are.  You can just tell by looking at them. You can see why they got ill. They were desperate, destitute.

(I know in private clinics like the Priory you get a different class of patient, but I think they recover a lot better in those places. I bet they don't get diagnosed schizophrenic as easily either. More likely to be told they have bi-polar or a sex addiction or whatever. I could, of course, be wrong). I feel a sudden urgency to ditch the benefits - I would be foolish to do it without a job to go to, and with Christmas coming up, but it seems to be a part of the problem. Maybe it is the last thing holding me back.

And the diagnosis. When I started this blog two years ago I had no idea of challenging the diagnosis. When I went on my writing course a year ago I spoke about my schizophrenia publicly for the first time, and the reaction of most of those present, who ranged from psychologists to therapists to tutors on the subject to a lady who had sat on Mental Health Appeal Tribunals, was that I didn't appear to be schizophrenic. Maybe I had ben misdiagnosed, they suggested.

I have taken no medication for twelve years and I have no symptoms of the illness, so I could see what they meant. But I could not agree with it at that time - I have always been scared that if I deny that I have schizophrenia, I will become ill again. That I could only keep the spectre under contril by acknowledging its presence. (This goes back to the day hospital, when I was told that I would never get better unless I accepted that I was ill. And then, of course, they said I could not get better anyway, because nobody ever does from schizophrenia).

And I also felt that if I accepted that I was not schizophrenic because I had become well, what hope of recovery would that give to other schizophrenics. Psychiatrists could continue to tell them that there was no hope for the future etc, because those that do carve out a life for themselves, like me, are then told that they don't have the illness after all.

Not that it seems as though anyone is ever going to tell me that. After my second daughter was born a pyschiatrist talked about reviewing the diagnosis, then changed his mind when he spoke to the rest of the 'Team'. (Sorry for repeating things I have written earlier in this blog. I generally try not to, but I am trying to develop a coherent argument here, and some of this history is relevant). These days I sometimes think - twelve years, no drugs, no symptoms - is nobody ever going to say I am not ill any more? And why not?

I became gradually more confident since my writing course. All these people thought I was normal, I was ok. Thought I didn't have schizophrenia. Maybe I should work with that? Just walk away from it/

I look back on my situation, and I see a child who was unable to cope with life, who grew into an adult who was equally vulnerable. I was born nervous. I had all sorts of problems at home. I left home at the age of sixteen. I smoked cannabis. I got myself to University although I had no support from my family. It would have been odder if I had not suffered a breakdown or three.

Nowadays, I honestly think that I no longer suffer from schizophrenia (if that is was it was). I think I have an anxiety disorder, or a panic disorder, of some kind, which is pretty much under control. In fact, it is getting better all the time. I have learned not just to cope with life, but to take an active part in it and enjoy it. I have been lucky along the way - I met a wonderful man and we had a family, but none of this was handed to me. I have worked hard at becoming as 'normal' - as happy - as possible.

So I realised about six months ago that I was in the position where I could walk away from the mental health issue. With my law degree, I could get a job of some kind, talk my way through the gaps in my CV. Probably I could hold that job down - because I do still suffer from stress, but who doesn't, and I have various strategies to cope with it. I didn't have to publish my book. I didn't ever even need to mention the word schizophrenic again.

But I didn't take that option. I published the book, and I let my friends and family know what I had done. It is therefore a bit late to refute the 'schizophrenia' label. And as I said, no mental health professional seems to want to remove it for me. But I think that I made the right decision to be open about my past. Whether or not I have schizophrenia now, I have suffered the effects of it. I was as ill as anybody could have been, I was psychotic. I had three nervous breakdowns. And I came back from the brink - but I can't walk away now, I can't leave everybody else in there, and not try to help. I have to try to share my experiences of recovery, because it is only fair. I do know more about schizophrenia, about mental illness, than a lot of people - and Rethink is my best hope of helping others through it.

Rethink are trying, after all. They understand. They care. They are listening to sufferers, and trying to improve things for them and their carers. Had it not been for the Time to Change campaign, I might have never had the courage to become open about my diagnosis - and that has been a positive experience for me, to learn that my friends have not all abandoned me, that they still see me as a person, and that to a great extent I have misjudged the perceived stigma (although had I not kept the diagnosis to myself for so many years I might never have had the confidence or opportunity to make so many friends).

So I will stay with Rethink, try to help with their campaigns, try to stay objective, try to be patient.   Try not to militantly propound my views about medication, and about the damage done by labelling, and just trust that the system will change for the better, in time. Hopefully it will all be ok in the end. And I want to be part of making it ok.

Louise x x

(PS Does an extra long blog post make up for a week of hardly any blogging? It has taken me TWO HOURS. On a SUNDAY NIGHT.)

That Friday Feeling

2011-11-11T08:57:00.000-08:00

Hi Guys

It is Friday already - I can't believe I haven't posted all week. I have a lot of stuff to write about, I am just not sure that I can or should write about it here. Oh, the joys of my lost anonymity. Or should that be, the joys of my anonymity before I lost it.

But thought I should check in anyway. I have been reading stuff on other blogs - Gianna Kali on 'Beyond Meds' pointed to the 'One boring old man' blog (or something like that, I should check it but you would do better to go on Beyond Meds and look for yourselves, because you will find so much else of interest there.) The 'boring old man' in question is a retired psychiatrist who feels that psychiatry is far too reliant on medication. Well worth a look.

I have been nit busting this evening. Friday is 'Nit busting' day at my kid's school, and I have done my duty today - we won't be part of the nit chain for at least a week.

Done a few good jobs today - had a friend round for Toddler and someone to chat to myself, but was able to do a few chores at the same time. Tomorrow Paul and I are off on a Big Day Out - I will tell you more on Sunday if I have time. Don't expect a post tomorrow (not that I assume you are holding your collective breath out there).

A happy weekend to one and all.

Louise xx

Link to Rossa's blog

2011-11-07T09:08:00.000-08:00

I should link to Rossa's blog too, rather than just stealing her link. Here it is:

http://holisticschizophrenia.blogspot.com/

x

Rossa's Link

2011-11-07T09:07:00.000-08:00

Hi everybody

I have just copied this link from Rossa's Forbes' blog 'Holistic Recovery from Schizophrenia. I could have just referred you over there, but I didn't want to lose any of you on the way.

How do people find these amazing other sites? I have spent a lot of hours today on the computer, but have not achieved a great deal - then by chance I looked at Rossa's blog and found this:

http://thoughtbroadcast.com/2011/10/24/is-clinical-psychopharmacology-a-pseudoscience/

What I like about this site (which I have never chanced on before, so thanks again Rossa) is that it is written by a psychiatrist who, unlike most of them, is brave enough to own up about his misgivings; to admit that medication may not be the answer to psychiatric problems, and to look for clues as to what the answer might be. I do still, by and large, admire medics. I don't see them as the Gods I used to, but I believe that most of them are motivated by altruism, in their choice of career. Even psychiatrists.

But then what? Does the ability to think and express oneself freely get swallowed up by adherence to the opinions of one's colleagues? Does the salary start to matter more than the job? Why else, in the face of so much evidence that they are barking up the wrong tree with the drugs and the sections and the damnable cruelty of it all, are all psychiatrists not searching for alternative solutions to mental health problems?

Anyway. As I said, I have been largely unproductive today. Hopefully this will lead onto a more productive day tomorrow, as happened at the end of last week. I have done a lot of washing... And walked the dog for longer than usual. And I also had a very pleasant chat with my young niece over a cup of tea. She is half my age and brighter than me by a long chalk. How do one's infant nieces and nephews ever become so grown up?

More anon.

Louise x

Read it

2011-11-05T03:38:00.000-07:00

Hi

I have just re-read the article and it is all I remembered and more, especially in its stance re medication. As the author said, it was a marketing coup to re-label major tranquilisers as anti-psychotics, thus making it appear that these medications were a tailor-made treatment for psychosis. He also writes of the brain damage caused by long term ingestion of these drugs. Here it is again:
http://toxicpsychiatry.squarespace.com/storage/KaronTragedySchizophrenia%2020031.pdf
My only reservation is that the article was written ten years ago - why, why is it taking so long for people to sit up and take notice?

Louise x

The Times

2011-11-05T03:16:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys

Commented again on the Times article, although of course now that is yesterday's news. I wish I could always remember exactly where I read what - I must get more organised. In my newest comment I linked to the article I mentioned on here a few days ago - Caron, The Tragedy of Schizophrenia - the one which is long, but worth ploughing through. I think it had some valuable insights on the treatment of mental health problems, but now I am going to have to re-read it to make sure.

And it is Saturday - I have promised the dog a long walk, and have various children-based errands to run. I should not really be propped up in bed with my laptop, still attired in dressing gown and pyjamas, teeth unbrushed and hair unkempt, searching for solutions to interminable problems. Lucky I have Paul to assure me that I am still reasonably sane - he has just returned from the doctors, newly flu-jabbed, and flung today's newspaper onto the bed next to me. My hero.

Anyway, hope all of you out there are well and happy.

Louise x

IBS and other gut problems

2011-11-04T09:12:00.000-07:00

Hi again

Still browsing the net (bad me; I try not to have the computer on while the kids are at home, but this afternoon I have become obsessed with checking how many people have ticked the 'Recommended' box next to my comment on Philip Collins' article. Sad, I know).

Anyway, looked at the 'Beyond Meds' site earlier this afternoon and skim-read Gianna's very salient piece on how IBS should not be labelled a 'mental' health problem (although she acknowledges that mind and body are linked). Meant to go back and comment on that, to say that in my experience stress plays a large factor in IBS, but then when I went back I read the whole article properly and saw that of course she realises that. Here it is:

http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/

Meanwhile, I came across this old piece in The Times by Thomas Stuttaford, who was the newpaper's doctor until fairly recently, and whose views I always respected. This is spot on in my opinion - not only his comments on the link between schizophrenia and gluten, but even those of us without coeliac disease (or without active schizophrenia) can benefit from avoiding gluten. I know if I eat well I feel an awful lot better - although unfortunately I forgot that this afternoon and accidentally ate a large portion of cheesecake (it was delicious though).

I also find this piece useful because it mentions that by avoiding triggers such as cannabis, gluten and stress those at risk (including perhaps my own children) can be saved from becoming ill in the first place. I am going to file it carefully for the future - because one day I will be sitting down with all my kids to have a serious talk about the dangers of drugs and the importance of a healthy lifestyle, and this will help my case.

If you are interested, you can follow this link to read the article:

http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/health/advice/article1789878.ece

Enough for today. All the best

Louise x

Newcomers?

2011-11-04T06:55:00.000-07:00

Hi all

I have just read an article in The Times by Philip Collins about schizophrenia - it made me want to cry. Because a 'proper' English newspaper seems to have taken up the cause, and published a balanced and informed piece on the subject. A big step forward, in my opinion.

Here's the link: http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/opinion/columnists/philipcollins/article3215894.ece

Anyway, I couldn't resist commenting on the article online, and referring readers on to Gianna's blog, Rossa's, Duane's website and here. Now I feel I had better explain to anyone who does arrive here for the first time - this is a blog about schizophrenia, or about living with the label of it, but also about my daily life with the kids, my recent foot operation and lots of other mainly irrelevant stuff.

So, if you want any information about my experience of mental illness, best to go to my early posts, when I was blogging anonymously about how I felt. Way before I had finished writing my book. These will give you an idea of what I experienced during my three long epsiodes in hospital, my feelings about it all, and how I finally moved on to the point where I consider myself to be free of mental illness (although not perfectly sane - who is?) and resentful of the fact that I was ever labelled a schizophrenic. Well, not resentful exactly - I no longer regret anything that has happened in my life - but determined to do my best to ensure that people who have been recently diagnosed with a mental illness, or who are currently in mental hospitals, can look to the future and be hopeful that they will, in time and with patience and perseverance, recover fully.

Louise x

A Different Sort of Day

2011-11-03T07:27:00.000-07:00

Hello all

Mmm, have had a different sort of day today - one that might be best described as lazy. We got back from a short break away (only four days, our first holiday in a year!) on Tuesday evening, and I was amazed by how much better I felt for the break. Presumabaly Paul and the kids did too. I should ask them. Lazy AND selfish!

Anyway, the holiday feeling had already dissipated somewhat by yesterday evening, as I realised when I found myself haranguing Paul for not helping enough with the boys' bedtime (on the grounds that yes, he was shattered, but SO WAS I!) I was a bit disappointed with myself about this, as I had decided that I would be calmer and more patient in future (with everybody about everything) and it hadn't lasted nearly long enough.

Today, I got up at six thirty. I prepared this evening's meal, put it in the slow cooker. Fed everyone (well, supplied them with a cereal bowl and a spoon) made some tea, and filled four lunch boxes. To cut a long story short, three hours after I woke up all the children were at school or play school and Paul was at work. It was half past nine. My time was my own until half past two.

I started to work out in my head what I could do in the alloted time and how. Take a book back to the library. Walk the dog. Collect the newspaper, read some of it (I am usually in too much of a hurry to read all of it properly). Write something. Write lots. Here panic set in. Should I try to write a humourous poem? (I have had an urge to do some more of these for a couple of weeks now). Or a short story? (for some reason I think the time is right to embark on a short story - I have not ever written a good one of these, but perhaps I need more practice). Of course, I should look at this blog, and maybe do a diary entry too, but I should also begin or preferably complete something more concrete, as confirmation that my writing career is progressing.

The stress was building. What should I do first? What was most important? Then I did something unprecedented - I sat down and watched catch-up TV for an hour. It was episode one of the Food Hospital on Channel 4 - a fairly graphic programme showing why you should eat healthily. It was very good. And very relaxing.

Then I put the lead on my little dog and took her out for a long walk. Almost an hour. Came home, had a leisurely lunch and read several chapters of my book, which is an Alexander McCall Scotland Street one, very reassuring and gentle writing, calming, good for the soul.

This was great. Then I got on my blog (hi!) and looked first at the writings of others who I follow. Ended up watching video clips of Pat Deegan (thanks again to Gianna from Beyond Meds). From that went to look up Peter Chadwick, because I remembered that for some time I have had a note to myself on my phone to look up both of those people (both doctors). Brilliant.

This is the sort of day that I could have every time Toddler is at play school - except then I would have to do the house stuff on his days off. Or in the evenings. I will have to see how I feel later - whether today's strategy leaves me more energised later in the afternoon and early evening so that I can achieve more, workwise, at those times, or whether these are just lost hours. But are they lost hours, even if I haven't achieved anything? Maybe not all achievements can be measured. Maybe my achievement today is to relax a bit.

I am waiting to hear about the Time to Change job. Interviews are supposed to be held in London next week and I have not yet heard anything - does this mean that I am not called to interview, or that they have had so many applications that it is taking them longer to sort them? It is exciting to think that my life may be moving on properly at last - to think that I may have proper paid work in my life. If this job is not for me, then I am sure something else will come up - I feel that change is not far away.

Anyway, I have just ten minutes left before I have to embark on the school run, which includes an after-school meeting with elder son's teacher, and then taking him to his first choir practice (sweet). I will be busy for about two hours, but luckily dinner is done already so I can hopefully stay calm into the evening.

I am not complaining by the way. I love all this. I need all this to get me out of bed in the morning. I love having all the kids and looking after everybody. But I would like to enjoy it all more, rather than feel as though I am chasing my tail just to get things done all the time. Slow down and smell the roses (wake up and smell the coffee?)

Anyway, I guess this post has not been about mental health very much, except my own individual experience of it, which today has been a good one. I feel very lucky actually - especially after listening to Pat Deegan's experience. I have many more good days than bad - I can say that I am recovered with almost complete confidence these days (although I am more than conscious that I am not even vaguely perfect, and that some things are definitely more difficult for me than for the average person).

Must go now, hope all ok with everyone else out there.

Louise x

Check this out too!

2011-11-01T15:19:00.000-07:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bruce-e-levine/confronting-bigots-intole_b_749836.html

Now I really must go and do that unpacking! Got three kids to get back to school in the morning (Toddler has a day off).

Louise x

Check this out!

2011-11-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys

Check this out - a really good article, in my opinion. A long read, but worth it (I skimmed some bits, I must admit, because I have just come back from a short holiday and haven't even unpacked properly yet. I shouldn't be here at all).

I couldn't resist checking on what had happened today in London, with Rethink's 'Unhappy Birthday Schizophrenia' campaign. Then one thing led to another, I found this article, and I decided I should link to it straight away instead of my usual, 'I read something really good, bit busy now but will link to it soon' and then forgetting.

Here it is:
http://toxicpsychiatry.squarespace.com/storage/KaronTragedySchizophrenia%2020031.pdf

I haven't finished looking at the Rethink campaign stuff, but I did read a bit on the Today programme (a short article by Tom somebody). Hang on, I'll find that....

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-15535626

I was a bit disappointed by it though, especially when I read all about the usual 'brain disorder' bit, which seems to rule out the possibility of anyone ever becoming well again. I have posted a couple of comments online about how recovery is possible, and how I have got better, and will continue to do that.

Anyway, hope you are all thriving out there. Just wrote down today's date and realised how groovy it looks. 1.11.11. Full of possibilities!

More anon.

Louise x

Johnny English Reborn

2011-10-28T14:29:00.000-07:00

Hi All

Been to see Johnny English Reborn this evening. Younger daughter has been desperate to go - insisting that all her friends have seen it and found it really funny. I have been refusing to go, because I have read several reviews of the film, all dismal. But actually it was really good - more than a few laugh-out-loud moments, plenty of tongue-in-cheek humour...better than the first Johnny English, if I remember rightly. Although of course seeing a film on the big screen does make a difference. Anyhow, I am glad we went.

I don't know where this week has gone, I honestly don't. I am going to look at my calendar and write down all the things we have done, because I don't even feel as if we have had a half term holiday. I meant to do stuff with the boys - some maths with my elder son, some drawing and stuff with the little one. And some eleven plus work with younger daughter. And just some hanging out with the older one. Instead of which, I feel as though I have just been tidying and shopping and cleaning and washing and grumping around. What a waste of a week.

I know that in fact it must have been more constructive than it seemed. We have had a few long dog walks, for a start. We have had friends over. We went out with my Mum one afternoon. We saw Horrid Henry. And the kids have had a chance to relax and chill out, which is the main point of a holiday - it's just I suppose that I don't feel that I have spent enough time with them. Oh well...at least the house is in a reasonable state, ready for next week when the kids will be back at school and I can knuckle down to some work.

Toddler has been coughing a lot recently - the cough went but seemed to come back after just a couple of days. He had a real attack of it on the way to the park this afternoon - I had to pick him up and carry him in the end. I think he may be getting asthma - although of course he may just be suffering from a virus or a series of them. He is not coughing tonight for the first time in ages, so touch wood, perhaps he is on the mend.

I put in my job application to Time to Change, and now have my fingers tightly crossed, hoping to be invited to an interview. Que sera, sera.

I have read some brilliant stuff on the net in the last day or two, on Rossa Forbes' blog and the Beyond Meds one. I won't be able to post for the next few days, but promise that as soon as possible I will set up links to these pieces - meanwhile, do explore those sites for yourselves.

Enough for now - take care all of you, and I will be back soon.

Louise x

Horrid Henry

2011-10-24T13:52:00.000-07:00

Hi You All

Took my kids and some of my elder son's friends to see the Horrid Henry film today. Elder son had a lovely time - he was really in his element. So that was nice. I love watching him when he is animated. He has the most beautiful smile, all the more precious because it is quite rare - at least in comparison to Toddler, who is a ray of sunshine, with a permanent beam.

Toddler is sweet too. If I call him names, 'Pumpkin' or 'Sausage' or whatever it might be ('Stinky' this evening, when he was refusing to have a bath, which epithet made him giggle delightedly) he says, 'I am not a ......(insert term of endearment)....I am your darling'. Which he is.

It is the half term holiday here, and I can tell that it is going to go far too fast. I haven't arranged a lot of things to do, but at least one thing for each day - friends coming to play, arrangements to meet other friends for walks, that sort of thing. I wish the half term was two weeks long...

I have a bit of writing to do - a theatre review, a job application to complete. I am going to knuckle down in a moment. I did do the job application the other day, but didn't send it in, and now want to look it over and improve it if possible.

I am disappointed that Rethink have turned down my offer to help at their campaign next Tuesday. They had enough volunteers already apparently. Huh. Still, I wish them luck with it. Look out in the media, guys, for details of the 'Unhappy Birthday Schizophrenia' campaign on the 1st November, in London. I could have been there!

Anyway, hope you are all well and happy. I am in half term mode now, but will try and check in with some semi-intelligent posts over the next week or so. All the best,

Louise x

Networking

2011-10-20T02:17:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone

I went out last night - to what I suppose might be described as a business networking event. It was interesting - to see what I have been missing all these years, for one thing. I have been shrinking away from social functions for some years now, basically because of my problems with anxiety and nerves.

Well, I don't really have those problems now. I have managed to reason to myself that there is no inherent threat in a gathering of people, that my nervous reactions developed when I was a very young child and those feelings are just not appropriate to my life any more (as an old lady. I mean mature woman. I mean grounded individual). I think my system finally had enough of the constant rushes of adrenaline, and decided not to bother responding with the old flight and fight response. It got bored.

So, I went out in response to an invitation, as other people having been doing all their lives without thought. It was a pleasant enough evening. We listened to a couple of speakers, who had incredibly different styles of addressing an audience, which was interesting in itself - perhaps no way is the right way. (Note to self: Clarity seems to be the most important quality when expressing oneself in public).

I am ashamed to say that I did no networking - I knew I should make the effort, but just didn't feel in the mood. So instead I guzzled my tea, ate more than my share of biscuits and busied myself with my notebook (I had a free ticket for the evening, because it had been assumed that I was there to write about it for a local magazine. Which I may do, but whether or not any article makes it as far as print is quite another matter).

If I go again, which I may well do (these events are monthly) I think I will try to talk to more people. I will know what to expect next time. Which is basically that this sort of event is very low key, or at least as low key as you want it to be. All those years when I was young, when I craved social contact but was scared of engaging, I was missing the point - that these functions are not all that exciting. Business life, or work life, is just a different way of behaving - no more or less challenging than looking after children and making conversation with other parents and various people I meet in the course of the day.

If I had known all this when I was young - not just known it, but been able to act on it, I could have had a very different life. I could have used my law degree, and gone into a professional job or even public life. (Well, maybe!) But then of course, it would have been a different journey, and what I am also coming to realise now is that I have actually enjoyed my journey - or, more precisely, if I had not lived the life I have I would be someone completely different, and almost certainly no happier than I am now. After all, I have Paul and the children - and I might never have crossed paths with Paul, if I had been a high flyer. And whatever happens to me from now on, it is my home life that matters most.

I would like to get that job though! I managed to complete my application on Tuesday, and although my work experience is a bit thin on the ground over the last many years, I think the job is well within my capabilities. Whether it is within my grasp is another matter.

I finished the grand tidying-up indoors too. Well, almost. Although now I am following everybody around and as soon as they put something down I remind them that is not the right place for it and ask them where it should go. Who will tire of this game first, me or the children? Me, of course, and then our home will return to its usual chaotic state...That's life!

Hope all of you are well and happy.

Louise x x

Whatever Normal Is

2011-10-18T02:38:00.000-07:00

Hi again

I fear this is going to be one of those wittering posts - I sat down with no clear idea of what I was going to write, only a sense that a post is due because it has been a few days since I wrote one. You have been warned..

Back to normal today - in that this is one of my three days a week when I have several hours of 'free' time, and this week I have no lectures or mental health functions to attend. Toddler was a bit poorly at the weekend so had a day off play school yesterday. But it is a measure of how much he likes the new play school that he volunteered to go back today. He is better, although still coughing a bit at night, but I would have let him stay home if he had wanted.

Maybe it is also a measure of how boring he now sees my days at home - I cleaned and tidied the house for hours and hours yesterday, we walked the dog and that was all. Maybe he just doesn't want to be a part of that, when he can be lego-ing and play dough-ing and painting to his hearts content, surrounded by his loyal friends and acolytes. Yes, that's probably it.

I am just glad he is happy. He is much easier these days - now that he has settled into the new play school and everything at home has settled into the new term's routine, he is reassured and so doesn't feel the constant need to follow me around and assert himself in all matters to make sure he has my full attention at all times. Phew! He really is a delight of a child, whether he is being difficult or not, but I so perfer it when he is not.

Anyway, here I am back to 'normal', and I realise that I am not sure what 'normal' is. What shall I do with my fours hours of freedom? I could carry on tidying - I got an immense amount of satisfaction yesterday from the rooms I organised and there is still plenty more to do. But maybe while one day of manic tidying is satisfying, two might tip the balance and make me feel oppressed. I could write - always rewarding. I have to walk the dog of course, which will be a pleasure on this bright sunny morning.

Have to hang out the washing too - I feel so guilty when I bung it all into the tumble drier to save time. The conservatory is likely to be very hot this afternoon, and it won't take long to shove it all out there on airers. Then I put it into the tumble drier while it is still damp, so that it doesn't need ironing. Cunning, eh?

I should make myself concentrate enough to fill out the Time to Change job application - no rush for that, but probably better to do it before the half term holiday when there will be other claims on my time. The more I think about this job the more I think it will be perfect for me - only two days a month and working from home, so I can still be here for the kids. And in the mental health field, which is probably the thing I have the most experience of and feel the most passionately about (apart from childcare, which I wouldn't consider as a career. My own kids are enough for me to look after.) But will they want me? Watch this space...

Anyway, what I am not going to do is spend so long worrying about what to do today that I get nothing done. It has happened before. So I am going to hang out the washing, take my little dog for a lovely long walk at the beach and then FOCUS.

Have a good day, you all.

Louise xx

Unhappy Birthday Schizophrenia

2011-10-15T03:33:00.000-07:00

Hello again

And I was supposed to be having ' A day or two off'. I just wrote an answer to my friend's comment from yesterday (a different friend from the one I referred to in the blog post itself). Then turned to my email to find about seven emails from Rethink Mental Illness. (All on the same subject. Last time it happened we got a letter of apology through the post, signed by the chairman himself. Note to Rethink, this is a waste of your resources. We understand that computers have blips. We don't take it personally).

The email was asking for volunteers to help with an 'Unhappy Birthday Schizophrenia' campaign. The email was so timely, given my recent upset on the schizophrenia subject, that I am determined to join the campaign. Even though it means cutting a family holiday short.

So I already feel energised, and am back on my mission. I think yesterday's confusion was caused by me forgetting that when I say, 'I have a diagnosis of schizophrenia' people assume that I am saying 'I have schizophrenia'.

Which I am not saying, because there are so many conflicting ideas of what schizophrenia is, what is does, how long it lasts for, whether a person can ever recover. When I was diagnosed I was told by a team of psychiatrists that I would have to be on medication for ever, and would get worse as I got older. A nurse from the same establishment (who married a patient with the same diagnosis) told me later that the term 'Schizophrenic Burnout' is well known - that even floridly ill patients recover by the time they are about fifty - the illness just wears itself out).

The term itself is useless - there is no test for the illness, so who is to say whether it really exists. There is no medication or operation that cures it completely. And people who do get better are reluctant to admit to ever having 'had' it, for obvious reasons. It is a muddle. And my friend who commented yesterday was right - I can't say what is true of anybody else with the diagnosis. It is hard even to be confident about myself, sometimes. It is Paul's constant reiteration that I am normal that helps me most.

Anyway. Thank you Rethink, for pulling me out of my trough of despair this morning. I will be happy to help with your campaign, if you will have me.

Louise x

The Nature of Schizophrenia

2011-10-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone

I have to confess, I am a bit confused today. I have had a bit of an upheaval this week - family troubles, not in my immediate family, but close enough. I was already starting to suspect I may have been overdoing things, what with the Mental Health Week stuff up at the Uni and all. Incidentally, I did head up there again yesterday, but there was no sign at the campus I went to of the groups that should have been there, and frankly I was a little relieved. I went to see my Mum instead, and met Paul for his lunch hour.

I am not sure how much more of this I can take - the whole schizophrenia thing seems such a muddle suddenly and I am not sure any more that I am capable or knowledgeable enough to try to help.

Not sure I can even get my ideas across with sufficient clarity in writing - yesterday's blog post should I suppose have been framed in more equivocal terms. Rossa commented that people may be violent when psychotic yet normally have no violent tendencies, just like some alcoholics turn 'mean' when under the influence.

Is this the case? Probably. I only know what is true of me - that I would never be violent, and never was, even on the three occasions when I suffered from psychosis.

But if people have been violent - have murdered, as in the case I wrote about yesterday - it is too much of a risk to release them into the community and hope they won't have a relapse.

I was talking about this to a friend this afternoon, and she thought I was totally wrong. She said that in that case nobody should be released into the community. I am rubbish at expressly myself verbally - I get too emotional, become incoherent. But actually this really hurt me; not on a personal level, because I know she didn't mean it like that, but because even she thinks that people who have been mentally ill, or diagnosed with schizophrenia, are a risk. All of us.

'How do you know that anybody released into the community won't do something violent?' she asked. 'You don't' I said, 'But you don't know that anybody is not going to do something violent one day'. But I was astonished that my friend (who knows more than the average person about mental illness) actually thinks that because you have been mentally ill - pyschotic, diagnosed as schizophrenic, whatever - you are then automatically more of a risk to the public. If you have never been violent before.

The upsetting thing is that I had already tried to explain to her how unfair I feel it is that schizophrenia is associated in the public consciousness with violence and that the only way to stop this was to stop giving people this diagnosis. A person who is violent when they are ill is completely different to someone who is not. If nobody can differentiate between those two types of people (not clinicians, not personal friends and family of sufferers) then charities like Time to Change are fighting a losing battle trying to stop stigma and discrimination against mental illness.

To be honest, all this is doing my head in! If I believed that I am a risk, a danger to the public, if I might go off the rails any day and hurt someone, then I would take medication, or go to hospital voluntarily and stay there forever. I would lose all belief in myself as a person, if I believed that I had an illness which made me a potential murderer. I lost years of my life already for that very reason. I swallowed pills, attended a day hospital for years where I smoked fags and got fat along with everybody else there. Eventually I managed to work out for myself that I am fine, safe, etc etc. And this has been borne out by my daily life for many years now.

But if even my friends think I am potentially dangerous, am I the only one who does not? Why am I allowed to be in charge of children, in that case?

In trying to destigmatise mental illness, in coming out and saying, 'I was diagnosed with schizophrenia, it is not the end of the world, you can recover as I have done', am I just laying my head on the block? Should I be trying to direct my efforts instead at getting my diagnosis removed?

Maybe there is just not enough known about 'schizophrenia'. It is such a pity that there is no objective test, no properly effective medication. What a muddle. But still, if in Finland they can almost always stop people getting ill again after their first epsiode of psychosis, there has got to be hope here. I wonder what they do with their violent cases... I should look into that.

I don't even know whether all this has been clear. I just know that I need a day or two off now.

Louise x x

Sad News

2011-10-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

Hello again

I have been out volunteering this evening, with one of the few groups of people who still don't know my diagnosis. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing opening up - on the other hand, it felt like the right thing at the time, and there is nowhere left to go but forward.

I was really upset today by a case that I read about in the paper. Nicola Edgington, aged 31, a schizophrenic, killed her mother in 2005. She was put in hospital.  Four years later - FOUR YEARS LATER! - she was freed. She was considered fit and well for release, and conditionally discharged with the approval of the Ministry of Justice. She lived in supported accommodation and received treatment in the community.

Now, just another two years down the line, she has 'allegedly' (we have to use that word since the case has not yet come to court, although the facts are not in dispute) murdered again. She used a stolen butcher's knife to kill Sally Hodkin, a 59 year old grandmother, on a busy London street and also slashed the hand of a twenty-three year old who was waiting for a bus.

Excuse me, but what sort of a doctor was it who let this woman go free? What sort of Justice is dispensed by a Ministry who authorised this action? They let a murderer back into the community. (Presumably her supervision arrangements failed, we don't know all the details yet). She suffered a relapse of her illness and killed again. But that was predictable - she had killed once when she was ill, they must have realised that if she became ill again she might do the same.

This has been bothering me all day. It is only this evening that I have found the words to express my unease. I cannot believe that medical professionals think that it is schizophrenia which kills. This is the only explanation for their action. This woman was ill, they think, she was not in control of her actions. The poor woman had an illness. She had schizophrenia. Her schizophrenia made her murder someone. Now we have cured her, she is well, she can go and carry on with her life.  (Although of course she will always have schizophrenia because we have said she does, so we will make sure that she takes her medication and lives by our rules. Then nobody will get hurt again).

Schizophrenia is not a murderer. Mental illness does not wield a kinfe and thrust it into the body of another human being. Any more than alcohol does (I have mentioned here before that a lot more murders are committed by those under the influence of alcohol than by the mentally ill). A violent person commits a violent crime, and there is no excuse for that.

I do feel some sympathy for the murderer. I have been severely mentally ill and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I know how frightening psychosis is. But she is still responsible for her crime.

When I was told my diagnosis at the age of twenty-five I was terrified. The label 'Schizophrenic' made me scared of myself. I was so relieved that I had never hurt anyone when I was ill, and I confided in a mental health nurse that I was frightened that one day I might.  But she said straightaway, 'If you are not a violent person you will not be violent when you are ill' and she was right. I had suffered two breakdowns by then and I had never harmed anybody or anything. I had another breakdown (my third and final as I like to think of it) six years later and I was still completely harmless.

And I have been harmless ever since, and always will be. I abhor violence.  (Incidentally, I have never raised a hand to any of my own children. I think that to do that would make me a failure as a parent - to me it is completely obvious that just as one should never assualt another adult one should even more importantly never assault a child, one's own or anybody else's).

If you are a violent person though, perhaps a mental illness may bring out the violence in your personality, just as alcohol may. This should not absolve the perpetrator from responsibility. If when you are mentally ill you lose control of yourself and you murder another person, or indeed harm anybody in any way, you should not be able to hide behind the protection of a diagnosis.  Okay, put the woman in hospital (although whether a secure hospital is a better environment than a prison is in my opinion open to debate. I have never been in prison so I can't be sure, but a mental hospital is bad enough). At least in hospital though, the ill woman can be treated. But then keep her there. Keep her there for many many years, as long or longer than if she had been in prison. Keep her when she is ill, keep her when she is well, protect the public for as long as possible until you are sure you have a reformed character, not just a person who is no longer mentally ill.

If it is wrong to keep a well person in a mental hospital (is it?) then move her to prison. This woman killed her mother! Her own mother! Her mental illness did not do it. She did.

Because otherwise, if you let her go, as you did, what you are releasing into the community is a time bomb. You are letting a murderer go. You are absolving her of all responsibility for her actions. Don't worry, you are saying, you did not kill your mother. Your illness did it. And you are leaving her free to kill again.

And what you are also doing, doctors and ministry officials, is you are creating more people who will look askance at the other so-called schizophrenics in their midst. The people who became ill and who suffered but who never hurt a soul in the process. The ones who are law-abiding, anxious, fearful, often over-medicated, sometimes visibly 'strange', who would never hurt a fly. The ones with a low life expectancy because of the cocktail of anti-psychotic drugs that they have been taking for most of their lives. Their neighbours will look at them and shy away, shunning them, fearing them, wondering when they are going to commit their next atrocity and hoping to be as far away as possible when the dreaded event occurs.

I have never hurt anybody and I know for a fact that I never will. When I was very unwell, I suffered all sorts of delusions, received messages from the newspapers and television. The world seemed to be set to a constant spin cycle. I was completely and utterly doo-lally. But I never got the idea that I should kill anyone - and if I had I never would have acted on it. Instead I got fearful, stopped driving my car, stopped going out. Stopped eating.

In the deepest throes of mental illness, even when we have no apparent control over what we are doing or saying, we are still people and we do still know right from wrong. I was as ill as anybody could be - I cut off from reality because I could no longer cope with it. But I was not a murderer, and nothing could have made me become one. 'Schizophrenia' whatever it may be, does not create killers.

Schizophrenics who kill are not innocent victims of an illness. They are not robots who have to murder because a voice tells them to. They are dangerous, violent individuals. They need to be locked up.

Schizophrenia is indelibly associated in the public consciousness as the disease of killers. It is massively unfair. So how to stop these assumptions? There is only one way. Stop diagnosing people. Stop labelling them, making them live under the weight of diagnosis and prognosis. I was told I would have to take medication for the rest of my life and that I would never get better. I have now been free of medication and free of symptoms for many years. During this time I have raised a family, seen my mother go through treatment for throat cancer, had a child hospitalised with a serious illness; lived, in other words, through periods of extreme stress. So maybe there is room for error in the pronouncements and predictions of psychiatrists and mental health workers. Maybe they don't in fact know everything there is to know about mental illness. Perhaps their patients know more.

And whether or not this woman does have schizophrenia, if there is such a thing as schizophrenia, it doesn't make any difference to the outcome, except to confuse matters so that she was released four years after murdering someone to go and murder someone else. (I just had a thought, will they let her go again in another few years? They could do, with an 'improved supervision package', if they fail to realise that they have been looking at it all wrong).

So on Nicola Edgington's medical record, why not write 'Mentally ill. KILLER. DANGER.' (In huge red script). And on mine 'Mentally ill. SAD'. (Or LONELY. Or STUPID. Or anything really, as long as they don't tell me about it. Because it is after all, only their opinion).

Why do I, and hundreds, thousands, millions more like me who have been diagnosed with a mental illness have to be discrimated against because a proportion of the population is violent?

Why did Sally Hodkin have to die on Monday?

Louise

James' story

2011-10-11T11:32:00.000-07:00

Hi

This is the link to a blog post written by one of the trainers who Paul and I met on the Time to Change Roadshow. This guy is my inspiration - he is incredibly articulate and well presented in person and I really found it hard to believe that he had been through so much. This is exactly the sort of person who is going to help us all overcome our prejudices. I hope he continues with the good work:

http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/story/james-story

x

University Beckons

2011-10-11T09:04:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys

The title of this post is a bit optimistic - the University is not beckoning me yet, except in my dreams. I didn't make it there yesterday, I ran out of time. But I did get there today - went to an author talk (which turned out to be more of a round table discussion) with Minette Walters (of The Ice House and many other stories). She was lovely - very articulate, and passionate about her cause, which in this case was fund-raising for a charity called 'Footprints' which helps to rehabilitate ex-offenders.

The other people present were mostly connected with the University, or the NHS Trust. Some were there because they had an interest in mental health, some just because they liked Minette Walters, some because they were interested in talking about funding for their own charities. A mixed bunch, in other words, but all quite professional.

And then there was me. Everybody introduced themselves and said a bit about themselves. I said I am a writer and a mother, and then admitted to having 'a diagnosis'. I didn't say what, but then Minette talked a bit about depression and I realised that was probably the general assumption as to my problem

An interesting discussion ensued. Minette talked about funding for a while - I didn't realise there was so much competition between charities for access to the same pot of money. She spoke of the differences between central and local funding. Then the discussion broadened onto offenders and the reasons for them ending up in prison, the fact that most of them have drug or alcohol addictions, or mental health problems. Minette said that the only schizophrenics who are dangerous are those with paranoid schizophrenia. My heart began to thump. Other people pitched in, the word schizophrenia was being bandied about more and more, and the need for staying on medication was mentioned. Then someone said that some schizophrenics actually don't want to be on medication because they enjoy their distorted view of the world. None of this was said disparagingly, but I am pretty sure the discussion would not have taken place if anyone had known the nature of my 'diagnosis'.

By now I was going a bit red and my heart was thumping fit to burst. I knew I had to say something, but I was so scared of drawing attention to myself. But I told myself there was no real threat. I took a deep breath. I remembered Gianna's post yesterday on the Beyond Meds site about how we should focus on the issues about medication and about diagnoses. So I knew what I needed to say.

And I said it! I am not as articulate in person as I am on paper - I am working on this, but I have so little experience of speaking still. (I only really learned to talk after I had the children, I was perpetually tongue tied before that. I never learned the art of conversation as a child, I could only ever see the pointlessness of the spoken word).

But I said that my diagnosis is schizophrenia, and paranoid schizophrenia at that. I should have said that the 'paranoid' refers to fear of others, not wanting to hurt them. But I am sure they could all tell that I am not dangerous by looking at me. I said that drugs often do more harm than good (well, that is what I was trying to say, I am not sure how clearly it came across). I said that I am free of medication.

They were all intrigued, and Minette was lovely. Afterwards, she asked if I have finished a 'whole book' and was impressed when I said that I had. She asked if I had a publisher, which is where if I had any sense I would have asked her to pass my details on to her agent. But I am too thick for that. I just muttered a while about how I have published on Amazon Kindle... (Minette Walters writes a book most years. How amazing is that? That is where I need to get to).

Anyway, I got a chance to speak to the very nice man who is currently in charge of the Press Office at Bournemouth University, wrote my details down for him, and said that I would be happy to give a lecture of some kind, or a talk to students. (They teach a lot of nursing students there). I even directed him to this blog (hello, very nice man).

I spoke to another couple of people afterwards, one of whom was very open minded (but so erudite it was hard to follow his train of conversation). I told him about the success rate of treating psychosis in Finland, and aired my views about how drug companies have a vested interest in drugging people.

One of the ladies then came up to thank me for speaking out about my diagnosis. She works in dementia now, but worked in mental health for many years. She seemed very pleasant and we had a good chat - until I aired my views about the unhelpfulness of diagnoses and the fact that although I have been told I have schizophrenia I don't necessarily believe it any more. She immediately closed the conversation down, said goodbye and moved right away. I was fine to speak to when she thought I was 'Owning my Illness' but once I disclosed that I was 'In Denial' she just couldn't cope.

There is such a long way to go to get these people thinking out of the box that they have been taught to think in. My problem is, that they will always expect me to be on the verge of another breakdown. If I ever have one, then I will have proved them right. If I die without having had another one, well then I will be dead. I will never be accepted as 'normal' by mental health professionals while I am alive (or so it seems to me. It would be nice if I am wrong here). This particular lady was talking about brain scans - I said that I would be more than happy to be brain scanned if the whole population was brain scanned too. I said it would be impossible to say that any one person was the 'most normal' and any other was the 'least normal'.

But maybe the results of the brain scans would differ according to whether people had had fish for breakfast, or had been for a long walk the day before. Or whether they were on psychiatric drugs, of course.

What if David Cameron's brain scan purported to show that he had schizophrenia? Would he be put on medication? I tried to tell the woman that she should not judge - no human being should judge another, should have the power to 'diagnose' their mental health. But she had already switched off and moved well away.

Which was just as well, because I had parked outside the flat of an old friend and had promised to have tea with her when I returned. This was at the sheltered housing project that had given me my first proper home, when I was in my mid twenties. She is still there. Happy enough. She was very hospitable and we had a good chat. What made me sad was that she is worried about the upcoming reviews of the incapacity benefit system, about how she would cope with less money. I tried to reassure her that it would be fine - I am sure it will be. But it reminded me of how mental health patients are kept in place by the benefit system in this country. Protected by it too, of course. But it is hard to get better when you are paid for being ill.

I have seen a job advertised today, for one of the mental health charities, that I am definitely going to apply for. Being at the University today, being part of a stimulating discussion, made me realise that I am not so very different from other people out there in the workforce, and that I have something to offer, especially in the mental health field.

The trouble here is (or might be, it is only my opinion) that I am coming at the issue of recovery from a different angle. The medical model is so entrenched. It is probably too late for those of my generation who have been on medication long term. They need it, mentally and physically. (I think, from observation). But I would like to see the younger patients coming through the system getting a different deal. I want to see them treated as they are in Finland, with the system of' 'Open Dialogue' so that their first experience of psychosis is also their last and so that they live long lives, as free of medication as the next 'sane' person.

I feel that it is my duty to help people see that recovery - real recovery, not the re-defined version - is a real possibility. Maybe I am not the only person I know who has survived a diagnosis of schizophrenia, but I am the only one I know who owns up to it. Even the old friend I saw today, who shares my diagnosis, and who is on the dreaded 'depot' injections (which make her feel really ill, but does anyone care?) keeps the whole thing to herself. I don't blame her, or anyone else for doing this. I did it myself for long enough.

But I have come out into the open now, and there is no turning back. Next up - a job, I hope, with 'Time to Change' to help to continue to spread the message.

Hope you are not worn out from reading all this, guys. And, nice man from the Press Office at the University, please email me if you can see any use for the story of my experiences. I am sure it would be helpful for your mental health nursing students....

Louise x.

Hullaballoo

2011-10-10T04:27:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys

Well, the hullaballoo has died down somewhat. I heard from another sister, who has just read the book and thinks it is ok, but that the writing itself could have been better. Ouch! But I know really that my writing is fine, although if and when I publish a paperback version I will revise the book to make it more punchy and compelling.

Trouble is, all my family have their own perspectives on my book. In the book, I am writing about my experience of childhood, but for obvious reasons they have their own ideas about it. Because they were there, or in the background. What they keep failing to realise, no matter how I spell it out, is that I have not written a book about my childhood. I have written a book about my experiences within the mental health system, and I have had to fill in certain details about my background because they help to explain why I had breakdowns, why I didn't cope better.

Interesting, actually. I have only just properly realised that is the subject of the book - when I was asked before I have said it is partly about me, and partly about the system. Now I have clarified that to myself, it helps. And it will help with my next endeavour, which is to be a book about recovery. I don't know how long that will take me to write, but I feel now that I do have the distance to write it. I am not afraid that I will break down at every turn - which is hard to explain, because in some ways I do feel quite fragile at the moment. But I think it is a normal sort of fragile, not a completely vulnerable state of being. I don't think I will ever be as vulnerable as I once was - because I have Paul now, and our children, to buoy me up.

I keep coming across a quote from Jung, to the effect that a schizophrenic stops being a schizophrenic when he feels understood by someone. (On the Beyond Meds site). So, whether or not I once was a schizophrenic (not a word that I would ever call anyone else) I am certainly not now. And personally, I think that I was only a very vulnerable and frightened young person, with a total lack of support and understanding, and that my breakdowns were pretty much unavoidable. I was lucky that I had them in a way, although it may take me a while to explain that properly.

Anyway, I must get on with some other stuff now. It is World Mental Health Day and I am thinking of popping along to the local University, where they are hosting some events. Shall I, shan't I?

I will keep you all posted.

Louise x

Friday continued

2011-10-07T12:14:00.000-07:00

Too tired to work out how to correct the last one, so will just carry on. Sorry, readers. Was going to say, would never put him through surgery.

Anyway, we had a good day. The time just flies past until three when I have to start the school run, and then it is mayhem until Paul gets back at about six.

Tonight I am emotionally drained - I had a horrible phone call from my elder brother who has just found out about my book and is totally overreacting, without having even tried to read it. I won't go into details here about what he said, but it was really not nice - not the way anyone should talk to their sister or anyone else. Really properly unpleasant. He is worried about what is in the book. I did try to tell him that if he read it he would find out that it is about me, not about anyone or anything else in the family. But he wouldn't have it.

What I didn't tell him, but wish I had now, is that almost everybody else in the family already read the book ages ago and that nobody else has had any problems with it. He is convinced that the whole family is outraged. Because he spoke to my younger brother earlier, who denied all knowledge of the book. I know this because my younger brother phoned me earlier this morning, told me the older one had heard about the book and was on the warpath, and asked me not to tell the older one that he has in fact already read it. Basically because he is scared of him and of his reaction if he knew that he knew about it already and hadn't said.

Is anybody following all this? I'm not even sure if I am. It reminds me of an American TV programme I used to watch decades ago, which took the mickey out of Dallas et al and detailed the most convoluted and impossible plots ever in a voiceover at the beginning of the show. I wish I could remember what it was called...Paul is saying something about Burt.

Anyway, the only person who has the right to be upset about the book - the only person who is really presented in a bad light - is my mother. And she has been saintly, bless her. She just said 'It's the truth'.

I just hope my brother will calm down in a few days. Maybe he will even read the book and come to understand a little more about life, or at least about my experience of it. As things stand he has told me never to contact him ever again and to burn all evidence of ever having known him. Reasonable, non?

Going to stop going on about it. One of my sisters has just called and reassured me that it is all nonsense and everybody else actually likes the book etc. So I will put it out of my mind. I knew this particular brother would go nutty when he heard about the book - he was the one who objected eight years ago when I first wrote it. I decided then to put it on the back burner - not worth upsetting him, I thought - but the book just wouldn't go away. It needed to be written (that sounds very grand and self-important, I don't mean it that way. But sometimes in life you need to do what is best for you. I have spent a lot of mine trying to please others and tiptoe around people. Trying to make myself loved.

Now the worm has turned. Ha!

Hope you are all having a peaceful weekend. Bye for now.

The worm. x.

That Friday Feeling

2011-10-07T11:20:00.001-07:00

Hi Everyone

I am tired tonight. I think I pack too much into a day - but then, I get restless if I don't have enough to do. It was Toddler's day off from play school today. We met one of my friends for a stroll around some scenic gardens and a chat. Toddler dominated the conversation, of course, as he so often does. He has so much energy - he reminded me today of the midwife who told me to expend my energy pushing, not shouting, when Second Daughter was being born. She had a point.

Likewise I feel that Toddler would be capable of literally anything - his strength is apparent in his wonderful voice. Constantly. I think he could even be an Olympic athlete one day - although, drat, he already has bunions; hard to believe on one so young, but his second toes already overlap the big ones, just as mine have always done. I will try to get it sorted with Orthotics as soon as he is old enough, but would never put his

A new (to me) and interesting (to many, I am sure) Blog

2011-10-06T04:15:00.000-07:00

Just glancing at the Beyond Meds site, and noticed this. Fascinating, I thought, must go and have a proper look later. So this is a note to myself as much as you guys - take a look (and drop in on Beyond Meds if you haven't yet; I posted a link a few days ago).

http://jungianschizophrenia.blogspot.com/search/label/Schizophrenia

Looking Up

2011-10-06T04:01:00.000-07:00

Greetings all

Went for a walk on the beach this morning. This is something that I can only do at certain times of the season, because dogs are banned from most areas of the beach in the summer. A good thing as far as my monster is concerned; she is far too friendly (and greedy) and would be bouncing everywhere, kicking up sand at the sunbathers (and eating their packed luches).

It was lovely to be back at the beach. I mostly walked on the promenade, only venturing onto the sand when toddlers approached and I didn't want the dog to greet them too effusively (she has been known to knock toddlers flying, which is awful, even if she does only want to lick their faces). It was just nice to be near the sea, in the open air (because our walk most days recently has been far more sheltered). And when the dog jumps at me, which she does often, to get at her treats, she only covers me with sand. As opposed to mud, which has been getting really annoying.

Half the day has gone already - a friend just popped in and we have been talking about schools. I am afraid I talked her head off. I don't seem to have much awareness of the normal rules of conversation, especially when I get on my hobbyhorse. Must learn to slow down.

My blog post is up on the Time to Change site. Here is the link: http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/blog

I must go now. Hope you are all well and happy.

Louise x

Quote from Albert Enistein

2011-10-04T04:38:00.000-07:00

I just read this and thought it worth repeating.

'Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid'.

Albert Einstein.

X X

The Power of Lists

2011-10-04T04:34:00.000-07:00

Hi Everyone

I am learning from my children, more and more, these days. It is quite incredible, actually, that I have created such astounding little people: so calm, so knowledgeable, so sweet. Incredible.

Anyway, Little Daughter has taken to writing herself a To Do list before she goes to bed each night. And I have decided to follow her example. Obviously, I have made lists before, but I intend to do it on a regular basis, and intead of writing huge tasks, like 'Tidy House' I am going to break it down into small, and more pleasant, chunks. For example, 'Practise Piano', 'Walk Dog' and 'Write Blog Post'. Ergo, here I am! (Next up, 'Hoover').

But what to say, now that I am here? I am having a good day. I look reasonable, because the hairdresser came yesterday. And my feet are (dare I say it?) flourishing.

Interestingly, I just read an article in The Times about how 'Fitness Footwear' is not all it is cracked up to be. And buried in the small print was a little nugget of information about how these 'rocking shoes' are used occasionally to help in the case of mid-foot injuries where the foot won't bend. 'Aha!' I thought. 'Could this be the reason why I took a (metaphorical) step backwards recently? Were my rocking shoes to blame?'

Because I did have a pair, which I wore most of the time, and I have changed shoes since the last infection, and (touch wood again) I seem to be healing again now. Maybe the old shoes were weakening the feet, putting pressure on exactly the wrong spot (although they did feel comfortable).

Anyway, I have been off the antibiotics for several days now. The scars on both feet are healed over. So I am hopeful that over the next few weeks I will grow stronger and can put all the foot stuff behind me (although I am aware that I have said, and written, that before).

I really want to go swimming again. In fact, I could probably fit it in this afternoon. But I daren't, not just yet. I can't risk another infection. I just want to move on now.

I am finally beginning to feel a little more light-hearted. It's nice actually, not to have to hide my fears any more. My daughters were taking the mickey a couple of days ago, talking about me going to hospital. And I said, 'I wouldn't mind at all going to hospital now. You would all have to find someone else to clean and cool and do your washing while I am gone though. And I'm not coming back until the house is clean and tidy!' They rolled around laughing.

Well, that is half the battle won, isn't it? If I have no fear of going to hospital, I realised, I am far less likely to get into the state which would mean I am going to be carted off there. I am what I am these days, and I am really trying hard to not care so much about the past.

I have finished my latest writing project (quite a success, if I say so myself). It was a short book, for Kindle again. I have published under yet another pseudonym, for reasons that are clear to me but hard to explain (mostly to do with protecting the privacy of my children).

And now I am free to embark on another project. I think that for now though I will try to concentrate on the subject of mental health, both on this blog and further afield. I was considering editing my book again and then putting it out in paperback, but I don't have the resources just now, in more ways than one. And anyway, it says what I want it to say, that there is hope out there. It is worth a read. So I will just keep promoting it.

Anyone who has not yet read 'Schizophrenia at the Schoolgate: A Tale of Sound and Fury' by Louise Gillett, do go ahead and buy a copy from Amazon Kindle. It's all about how I had three nervous breakdowns, and maybe a bit about why I did, and then some more about how life is actually pretty good now, if only I can keep on ignoring the fact that the word 'Schizophrenic' is writ large in my medical records.

Because I am really no madder than the average person, and nor, Dear Reader, are you.

More anon.

Louise x

Yo

2011-09-27T04:21:00.000-07:00

Yo

This 'Yo' greeting makes me smile. My eldest daughter said that it embarrassed her when I used it, on a private email to her! So I sent a long one, 'Yo. Yo. Yo-yo'. Etc. Thought it would make her giggle. But no. Some words are apparently beyond the pale for one's parents to use. I can use it here though. Ha!

I should actually be working on my new project now, but decided to check my emails...and surprise, surprise, see where I ended up. I have only just sat down to work (ok, to write, I know this is not really work, I am just trying to make myself sound more important).

Yesterday I did two or three hours of writing, and I really found it hard to account for the rest of my free time. Well, a short walk with the dog turned into a long one because I bumped into a friend and we nattered for ages, but apart from that...I didn't even do any housework. I turned on the tumble drier instead of hanging out the washing, purely to save time (I know, this is almost a criminal act, it certainly feels like one. It was a lovely day).

Anyway, today I started off behind, because I dropped Toddler at pre-school and then went to visist a new baby. We are lucky at the moment to have two babies in the family. This one is just over a week old and so sweet. I was determined to only stay half an hour and I did - I left as soon as I finished my cup of tea. I didn't want to tire out his new Mummy, and I was also conscious that I must write in the little time that I have. I also must clean the house today, because my younger daughter has a friend coming over after school. Since I seem to be capable of causing embarrassment very easily these days, I want to avoid any real faux pas.

Anyway, I decided to walk the dog and get that out of the way - but bumped into a different friend, again got chatting...I now have just over two hours left to write, clean and so on.

I have sat down to write in my summerhouse, for the first time in ages. Usually I stay in the house, to keep the dog company. But she is tired out anyway, will be sleeping now, so I decided to set myself up in my official writing area. Which is wonderful - I can see the garden from here and I am surrounded my all my books and papers. Although actually that made me feel that time was even shorter, because when I sat down out here I started to notice all the books I haven't even read yet, and all the paperwork that needs organising... There are so many tasks to do.

Which are not getting done by me sitting here typing this... So, more anon.

Louise x

And back to me

2011-09-25T12:47:00.000-07:00

Hi again

Just thought I would update: My right foot is vastly improved from a week ago: the antibiotics are clearly doing their thing, although the foot is still a bit sore on the top. Haven't had the appointment through from the hospital yet, which suits me as it is not my favourite place. I have a few more days' worth of antibiotics to take, and I am really hoping that will be the end of the trauma. I am going to rest as much as possible too, until I am positive that all this is behind me.

I am looking forward to the coming week. The weather forecast is good (apart from tomorrow). The three days that Toddler is at play school should be all mine - I have no particular plans, unlike last week, when all my free time was accounted for before the week had even begun. So I should be able to write, or clean, or walk the dog, in the proportions of time which suit me (hopefully at least seventy per cent writing). And (this may sound silly) I sorted out all my clothes yesterday, which makes me now look forward to getting dressed in the morning, knowing that I do in fact have something decent to wear.

I had got into a right state - been wearing the same stuff day in day out (I did actually change my clothes, but you would hardly have noticed). Partly because I have to wear hard soled trainers to drive, so I had to really wear jeans all the time with them, because I had no other trousers. So it was blue jeans or black jeans. And my wardrobe was packed with a lot of really tatty stuff, and things that hadn't been ironed, and so on. I had been at home so much it didn't really seem to matter what I wore. But now that I am back on the school run I was starting to feel really shabby.

Anyway, I had a day shopping with a couple of friends yesterday. Which was a really bad idea - I had failed to account for how much of the time you spend on your feet when you are shopping. I got really tired and felt miserable. Didn't want to whinge all the time, but did anyway. Then felt worse. But I did buy a few things - more jeans (why?!) and a pair of trousers, and a couple of tops. Then when I got back, although my feet were killing me I ironed and sorted and chucked stuff out and generally organised my clothes. Found some stuff I'd forgotten I owned. Even did some sewing. So although today I just wore jeans and a T-shirt, it wasn't because I had to. And that helped.

There is just so much to do all the time. It's not long since I sorted Toddler's clothes, but I need to do that again, and his elder brother's. Need to change those in their wardrobe from summer to winter ones, although since we are apparently in for a heatwave there is now no rush. It is easy to get caught up in the house stuff, and then neglect yourself . I used to wonder how my sister could go around looking such a mess all the time, but now I realise it was normal - she had two young boys. Now that her boys are grown up she shops at boutiques and dresses immaculately all the time, and it is me who lets the side down. Not that we see each other that often (note to self, phone sister).

Anyway - mental health. I have not been in the best of spirits really today, partly because I got tired this afternoon and had a nap. Afternoon naps really do not suit me, I always wake up feeling out of sorts. I need a regular night time sleep routine, but extra sleep in the day is not beneficial at all. It makes me feel groggy.

We did have a good day though. I gave my younger daughter and her cousin an early lesson - we do that for an hour on Sunday mornings. I like teaching. Walked the dog with my elder son, which was a great way to spend some time with him. Toddler always steals his thunder.

Had a hot lunch and a hot dinner, all together. That was nice. And we all watched some old film of the kids when they were little - well, even littler than they are now. They love to see themselves when they were small, and I am not surprised - they were all so super-cute. So, a good Sunday, really.

I have been thinking a lot of the Alexander technique recently. Have still not gone back to my lessons - I think I had four, or was it five, before I stopped. I went back when my feet were still bandaged up (Paul took me) but I felt that it was too much too soon, and since then I haven't been able to drive far so I haven't gone. Was also trying to save money - although I told myself that should really not be an issue. I am also not sure if I can spare the time each week - that would be quite a chunk of time gone, as it is quite a drive over there and back.

Howver, I miss it. I feel that it was very good for my mind in particular. I have a book, and it does help, but it is not the same as going for the sessions. I will probably go back soon, when I am sure that I can manage the drive and that I can spare the time. Maybe in a couple of weeks.

Anyway, enough for now.

Louise x

Connections

2011-09-25T12:12:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone

A while ago I mused about putting together a wall of all the resources I have found in the couple of years that I have been doing this blog. If you look back through these posts you will come across those that I found and mentioned - most of them just a short time ago.

I wish I had known about all this stuff earlier - that so many people have suffered from mental health problems and have recovered, that there are different and better methods of treatment out there that we may not all have heard about or tried. So I am going to keep linking to these other sites, run by people who don't get distracted and witter on about their daily lives and the operations on their feet, people who are dedicated to helping others to get better.

Today, I am going to highlight a site called Beyond Meds. For those of you who haven't visited it yet, it is an inspirational and invaluable resource. Take a look:

http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/2011/09/25/guestauthors/

Louise x

Stuff

2011-09-22T14:42:00.000-07:00

Hi again

I find I self-edit a lot on this blog now. Sometimes I don't even start a post because I edit it out of existence before it reaches the page. I know. You wouldn't have guessed.

Anyway, I feel that I am moving again today. Had a fairly unproductive day; a dog walk, some stress about one of the children (nothing major, the worries are all in my head and I keep having to remind myself that externally, in the actual world, everything is fine.) Did some housework (amazing how much better a home looks when it has been hoovered).

This evening I have worked on my Time to Change blog (remember the Roadshow I helped with back in July?) I realised the blog post had never gone up on the Time to Change site. So I sent an email about that, and now I think it is going to be posted on the Rethink site instead (the two charities are linked). I got an opportunity to edit the blog a bit, which I am pleased about as it was a bit dull and stilted (it may still be, but hopefully it is improved).

Have done no work on my new, easy and fun writing project for a few days. Which is odd, since it is new, easy and fun. You would think that would mean there would be no reason to not just get on with it. However, the weekend beckons. It brings promise.

Here's to that!

Louise x

SANE

2011-09-20T05:03:00.000-07:00

Oh and by the way, guys, my story has been uploaded onto the SANE site and here is the link:

http://www.sane.org.uk/how_you_can_help/through_your_eyes/story/179

So there is progress! X X

Louise Hay's ideas on Healing

2011-09-20T04:59:00.000-07:00

Hi again

A comment by Rossa on my last post prompted me to have a very quick Google at the work of Louise Hay. I actually have a couple of her books, but had forgotten all about them and about her ideas. Thanks Rossa for reminding me. I do like stuff that makes me think.

Apparently, foot problems are to do with fear of the future and of moving forward. That makes sense in my current situation - having made up my mind to be a mental health writer and campaigner I had stalled after my bunion operation and have now gone back to my old modus operandi - mainly focused on the kids and the housework. And shopping.

While Googling Louise Hay I came across the Compassionate Dragon Healing website which I also found interesting. Here is the link: http://www.compassionatedragon.com/metaphysics2.html

Bear in mind though, that I have only just glanced at all of this - I am working flat out, trying to make up for time lost (but not wasted!) this morning at the shops.

Good Luck to you all.

Louise x

What a morning!

2011-09-20T04:20:00.000-07:00

Hi all

This morning I was all set to write, but somehow I couldn't settle. So I decided to return my younger daughter's school trousers to the shop where I bought them because they are too big. It would have to be done some day, I reasoned, so why not today? I felt guilty all the way to the shops though, because I had been determined to do some serious work at home. I hadn't even walked the dog before I left, which made me feel even worse.

Anyway. Got to the shop, got the money refunded to my credit card. Went downstairs to see if they had any better fitting trousers. Found all the school uniform reduced to one pound! Bought a cardigan, two pairs of trousers and two skirts for a fiver. If this stuff doesn't fit I will just give it to friends - I know she will love the cardigan anyway.

So far, so good. I was starting to feel that things were going my way. My foot was hurting a lot though, there was a lot of pus building up under the surface (sorry!) and although I had soaked it in hot water early this morning hoping it would pop to relieve the pressure, it hadn't. I had taken Ibuprofen but it wasn't an awful lot of help.

I decided that since I was out anyway I would go to another shop to get some new shoes. I had come to the conclusion that the ones I have been wearing, which are designed to promote fitness, are perhaps not the right shoes to wear when bones are healing. They rock you as you walk, and although they have been feeling comfortable enough I decided to change them for something that keeps the feet more steady.

So I went to the shoe shop and tried on about ten different pairs of shoes. I mostly tried the left shoe on, but if I liked it I tried the right one too (which was painful but necessary). All the ones I tried were sensible trainer type things with hard soles so that I can drive in them. But none were quite right.

I was getting tired and just about to give up when I finally found the shoes I wanted in the right size. Phew. Just about to go and pay, but then couldn't resist having a peek at my foot to see how it was. And - aagh! - it had opened and there was a huge bubble of pus and blood resting on the surface. I had no tissues. There were no shop assistants in sight. And I really didn't want to put my sock and shoe back on with all that happening. I badly needed a tissue to dab away the mess.

I looked around. There were two men nearby, one browsing, the other trying on shoes. Neither of them looked as though they would have a tissue. Then a lady hove into sight - in her fifties, very smart, blonde. I called out to her (bright red with embarrassment), 'Excuse me! Can you help me please?'

She looked suspicious, but must have decided I was safe enough, because she came over. And when she saw my foot she realised I wasn't mucking about. She got out her handbag, and found me a tissue. Then she delved deeper into the bag and found me a plaster. And then she produced a wet wipe and gave it to me to clean my hands with. And then she went off, having checked first that I was now ok.

I went to the till to pay for my shoes. I was standing in the queue, reflecting on how lucky I was to have hailed a lady who not only had a tissue, but also a plaster, and also a cleansing wipe. What were the chances? I had thanked her of course, but had been maybe a bit too engrossed in me to realise just how lucky I was.

Then she appeared in the queue behind me. I thanked her again. And she put into words what I had been thinking - that sometimes things happen for a reason, that she had been able to help me and maybe something had called her to where I was (she wasn't shopping for shoes, this was a big store that sold all sorts of stuff).

So - a good morning. Comfortable new shoes, bargain new school uniform. A foot that was agony a few hours ago now doesn't hurt at all. Now I can eat and then take my sweet patient dog for a walk. Lovely.

Louise x

I hate the Orthopaedic Clinic!

2011-09-19T05:56:00.000-07:00

Hi

Another two hours of my life wasted in the blasted hospital clinic. Although I did read the paper and actually completed a SuDoku puzzle (it was an easy one). Got another ten days' worth of antibiotics. Also came close to tears, but luckily managed not to. The consultant (I finally saw him) said I have been unlucky. I could have told him that. He also said I have to go back in two weeks' time for another x ray and check up. I probably could have told him that as well.

It is the old powerlessness thing that keeps getting me I suppose. Plus the feeling that I am bringing all this on myself by not being positive enough. I did try to go to sleep visualizing my foot being clean and white and healed this morning when I woke up. I didn't sleep well, although the foot did look a bit better when I woke up.

I tend to blame myself and so I told the doctor that perhaps I had brought the infection upon myself because I had been doing too much. But he dismissed that and said that the foot should just not get infected at this stage, although it does happen very occasionally.

Now I am wondering if there is some other reason. I had diabetes when I was pregnant, which means that I have a fifty per cent chance of developing it later in life. Perhaps that is what has happened, which would help to account for the problems with my feet. (Diabetes is well known for causing problems with feet). I am going to check that out.

But I don't want to be a patient! A diabetic one or a foot one or a mad one or any other sort! Can't help feeling that all this is just not fair, though I know that is not the attitude.

Sure I will feel better after some food and a nice cup of tea - have just had an antibiotic though so will have to wait. Back to that medicine on an empty stomach palaver, for ten days this time. Gawd.

Meanwhile, must soldier on. Get the Sane thing sorted for a start, as I said I would. Upload my 'Story' to their site, with a link to here.

Hope this finds you all well, dear Readers. Sorry it won't make you more cheerful. Bye for now.

Louise x

Blinking Foot

2011-09-18T14:15:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys

It is so not fair! This morning I woke feeling that something was up with my right foot. I was horrified when I looked at the scar - it had widened and reddened just at the part where it is usually the straightest and cleanest. I took Ibuprofen at midday, but by early evening I was experiencing throbbing pain again and there is now a large red and swollen area around about half of the scar. About the size of a double sized fifty pence piece (has it affected my brain too I wonder? That is the best comparison point I can come up with, off the top of my head).

Luckily I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow, because I know enough about all this by now to be pretty sure that there is another infection brewing. This one is nasty, and unexpected - there was a sore bit at the top of the scar on that foot where a stitch had become infected, but that had seemed to heal well. I predict that tomorrow I will be given antibiotics - probably more of the same type, as they seem to work ok. But what a pain! That was my good foot! It is not supposed to go wrong!

I was so sure that I was on the mend - I loved the swimming yesterday and felt that it had done me the world of good.

Oh well. No point moping. I must get on with my writing, since that is one thing I can do without the use of my feet - if only I can keep up the morale. I had a message from Sane recently about posting my 'Story' on their site, so that will be my task for tomorrow. Onwards and upwards.

Louise x

A Swim at last!

2011-09-17T11:53:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys

Paul and I went swimming with the kids this morning. It is ten weeks to the day since my operation. I went in cautiously - the bottom of the pool felt unusually slippery, though I wasn't sure whether this was just because I was more conscious of the feel of it under my feet. I don't like walking barefoot now, I tend to walk on the sides of my feet when I have nothing on them. And I was fearful, unsure about how my feet would cope with swimming, having not been used in this way for so long.

And it was fab! My feet loved it - my ankles too. My ankles had grown stiff - I have started to move in funny ways, I suppose to avoid pain and minimize the risk of being hurt. And I felt so much freer in the water. It was just lovely. I am going again very soon. I feel that it will really help my recovery.

It was also nice to be doing something active with the children - I have missed swimming with them. Although I found that I was a little moody - again probably because I was scared. I was pleased that Paul was there to help.

I trimmed the dog today, very thoroughly. Actually, I started it yesterday and continued today. Her ears are quite short now, and the fur on her paws too. I bought a Furminator to take out the excess hair from her coat. In the end Paul had to tell me to stop - I was getting a bit obsessive. She has got in a bit of a mess since I have been poorly - nobody else groomed her, so she needed a good blitz. Now I will just have to do her little and often to keep her in shape.

She has been a bit sad recently - I think she is having a phantom pregnancy. We went out this afternoon, all together, and took her with us, and she really enjoyed it - she perks up no end when she is out.

I can drive for longer periods of time now, and walk better too. I am still unable to do certain things, like kneel comfortably, but all this is getting easier now. Such a relief. I have to go back to the hospital next week for a check-up, although I am reluctant to go as it is usually such a long and tedious wait in the clinic. But I will go, and hopefully then I can draw a line under all this.

I started a new writing project on Thursday, when I finally had some time to myself. I felt all buoyed up by it - although I haven't done any more since, so my enthusiasm has kind of waned. I will have to see where it leads. It is going to be fairly short and fun, and on a completely different subject from the last book, and I will probably just publish on Kindle. Watch this space...

Anyway, enough for now. I hope all you readers are well and happy.

Louise x

Coughing

2011-09-14T02:09:00.000-07:00

Hi all

Toddler has finished his antibiotics and is still coughing...What to do? He is fine in himself, but I think I will take him to the GP again if he is no better in a day or so. She suggested asthma when I took him last time - I was hopeful that it was just a chest infection. Anyway, he slept longer this morning and seems happier, which is good.

Apologies for the lack of posts recently - it is just that, having nothing much to write about, it seemed unecessary to jabber on. However, it has now been nearly a week since my last post, which seems rather rude...

I am walking better, and driving slightly longer distances now. My right foot is playing up now - a stitch got infected. I don't much rate these 'dissolvable' stitches.

The kids are doing ok. Toddler loves his new play school, and my eldest has settled brilliantly into her new secondary school. Paul has been away, but is back tonight. Probably why I haven't posted, I have just been too tired...

The dog is a bit odd, I think she is having a phantom pregnancy. She is whimpering, trying to make herself nests all over the place. Seems a bit depressed. Apparently these are classic symptoms and shouldn't last long. I certainly hope not. A King Charles spaniel looks doleful enough anyway, without being depressed into the bargain - it makes me feel sad whenever I look at her. She perks up on walks though - and when Paul is back I will be able to take her out more often and for longer, so that should help.

Gosh, this is starting to read like a Round Robin, instead of a cutting-edge mental health blog. But hopefully soon I will have more time to concentrate. I have joined the local NHS trust and mental health forums, so I am laying the ground for something. Not sure what yet - maybe some work (voluntary or otherwise) in the mental health field?

Got to go now, more anon (and on and on)

Louise x

Schooldays

2011-09-08T13:56:00.000-07:00

Hi all

I am so pleased it is the start of term. Once, I could never understand people who said that. Which makes me feel a tad guilty. In mitigation, all four of my children love school - and do brilliantly there. Fab little people that they are...

I had to take Toddler to the GP today. They had some kind of emergency going on and we had to wait two hours for our appointment. We just played and talked the whole time - he loved it. When we finally got in to see the GP she couldn't believe how big he has grown - she hasn't seen him for ages. She just adored him, made a total fuss of him, and he was in his element. She gave him antibiotics - he has been struggling with a cough for several weeks now and I decided I had left it long enough, hoping it would get better by itself.

Have had a really busy few days - have had to be all over the place sorting stuff out, mostly to do with various schools. I have been exhuasted - and last night I thought my feet were going to drop off - but I got an early night and woke up as good as new this morning.

The x ray showed that my left foot has still not healed - the doctor I saw this time said that they were not considering another operation though. (? But good.) I have to go back again though to see the consultant - he said next week but I said I will go in two weeks' time instead, on the grounds that I am just to busy at the moment. And I don't know what there is new that he can tell me anyway...we'll see.

I have not had much time to write recently, or to think much really, but do hold on, those of you who are checking into this blog in the hope of reading something interesting. It may still happen!

All the best to all of you anyhow

Louise x

Progress!

2011-09-03T14:10:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys

I have made some progress, if only in my own tiny mind. 1) I have decided on which play school to send Toddler too, and on what days. 2) I have had the foot x ray, although I have to wait until Tuesday to see the consultant who will tell me whether or not the bone has mended. (The girl who did the x ray was impervious to my blandishments, wouldn't even give me a clue about the results.) And 3) I went out this afternoon with Paul and the kids to a barbeque, which I enjoyed greatly.

The barbeque was interesting (to me) for lots of reasons. I had a headache on and off through the day, but it vanished at the barbie, which tells me that its root cause was psychological, which I had kind of guessed at about these headaches but am now sure of. Adult conversation and good food worked such magic that only now, after an hour or so at the computer, is the headache returning (and only now that I am thinking about it, ho hum).

I had a thoroughly enjoyable time at the barbeque, which was refreshing too since it was the sort of social occasion which I would once have harboured endless anxiety over.

Although I do still over-worry massively about all sorts of other things, I am clearly coming to terms with some issues which once seemed insurmountable - so there is hope of progress in other areas too. Although I have taken a lot of steps backwards recently, I can now see that there is a way forward.

(Though I should add that my social skills need tuning - I think I got too relaxed at the barbie and started spouting all sorts of stuff that should have better stayed unsaid. My private opinions are rather too unpalatable for polite company and I don't know quite what led me to air them. I can't even use the excuse that most people have in such circumstances, of being drunk, as not a drop passed my lips as usual. Never mind, it could have been worse, I was only talking about play schools and suchlike).

I bought some new shoes today. We were at the shops, and I noticed on a display outside a sports shop, a pair of pink sandals which had separators for the toes. Not the sort which go between the toes, but a separate little strap that goes across the big toe and pulls it away from the others. Perfect, since mine are drifting across to their old position. Could have been custom made for me.

I nearly didn't buy them because they were quite pricey, but I am so glad that I did. They are so pretty! And so comfortable - I wore them all afternoon and by the time I took them off my feet actually felt better than before I had put them on.

Anyway, is any of this interesting to anybody except for me? I think not. So I will end it there. More anon.

Louise x