Sunday 22 March 2020

Covid19: Mixed messages and why we shouldn't judge or blame others

So, I just wanted to pontificate a bit...I don't know if my thoughts are useful but I do hope they might be to someone, somewhere...

I read a post on Facebook yesterday which chimed with me (this doesn't happen often; I try to keep away from the site partly for this reason and partly because whether or not there's much of note or use on there, it still sucks up my attention and wastes my time).

Anyway, a friend - someone I met on a writing course more than twenty years ago and have only seen  on a few occasions since - was writing about supermarkets. Firstly, about the apocalyptic fear that you currently can't help but sense when in them - the packed trolleys, the empty shelves, the haunted visages - and secondly, regarding the fact that he felt judged when shopping in one recently.

This guy, by the way, is the tallest person I've ever met (so presumably he's legitimately hungrier than most) and he has three strapping teenage sons (teenage boys physically need quite a lot more calories than a grown man). This chap is married but ever since the children were small he has always been the homemaker, while his wife goes out to work. So there he was, feeling the apocalyptic fear in the supermarket and trying to ignore it and get on with his shopping. He said he always buys enough for a few days and I'm guessing this is equivalent to a week's shopping for most people/families. And he felt embarrassed in case people thought he was hoarding. Which they probably did. And they were probably judging him for it without having any idea of the true facts. I've formed this opinion from a lot of comments I've read online - Facebook, Twitter and an app called NextDoor which is supposed to provide links for people who live in the same neighbourhoods. People have become very judgemental of 'selfish hoarders'.

I can completely relate to my friend's concerns. I go shopping every couple of days for our family of six to avoid being judged for buying too much at one time, and I am still judged. I'm not imagining this. I've had shop workers talk to me with disdain, for example, when I've asked when eggs and porridge were going to be re-stocked. I wasn't aware there was a national shortage when I asked about either item. Things have moved so fast in the last week or so; I wouldn't even ask if I couldn't find something on the shelves nowadays. When I asked about the porridge the supermarket worker told me (a bit rudely) that she had no idea when there would be more. I ignored the rudeness, put it down to bad manners without thinking any further, then took two packs of the more expensive organic porridge instead. An elderly couple then came along and took one pack and the woman made a point of saying to them, 'Oh, do you want some porridge?' while shooting me daggers. Then I understood - she was making a point about my 'greed'. (The old people didn't understand at all - they looked at her as if she was mad, which made me smile to myself).

She didn't know how much porridge the elderly couple might have had at home. She didn't know that my family of six eat porridge for breakfast every day (about half a kg each day, believe it or not). She didn't know that I didn't know that porridge was in short supply. She also didn't know that I'd be quite happy never to eat porridge again or feed it to my family, if it means being judged negatively. I find people's disapproval, real or imagined, hard to take. (This is one of my many character flaws and also one of the reasons why I've suffered three serious nervous breakdowns in the past - I'm a people pleaser. It took me a while to work this out.)

Yet, without knowing any of these facts, this woman felt able to judge me and treat me rudely - and possibly added me to the tally of 'greedy' people she'd been judging all day. I don't think she was right and I don't think any of us would be right to judge others, however shabbily they might behave (or appear to behave) in these unprecedented times.

(I'm sick of the word unprecedented by the way. I used it ironically there. I won't be using it again. I have spent some time thinking up alternative words over the last few days and have several up my sleeve - strange, weird, unparalleled, and so on and so forth. I probably won't be using them either. We all know this situation is surreal).

More of my personal picture now. My family are self-isolating. We started on Wednesday last week - my husband has asthma so is working from home, one daughter was already home from Uni and the other's school closed early (she is at private school, she got a full academic scholarship) and to me it only made sense to get the boys out of school too. My mum is 84, housebound with COPD - I was already caring for her and I'm not about to stop now, so I still visit her daily (while taking care to sit at a distance and keep everything as clean as possible in her house).

Really, I shouldn't be going to see her at all and nor should my sisters - but when I suggested that they stop going (I've been her carer for a while because my sisters work) I was told that this might just be spoiling her last days. Which is a fair point - we don't know how much time she's got left. She's very frail indeed. I can't insist that I should be the only one to visit her - that wouldn't be fair. And I don't want to leave her completely alone - none of them can visit every day.

Also, we haven't got any specific guidance to go by, in this sort of a situation. We all have to use our own judgement as to how far to go in isolating ourselves. We're only supposed to go to the shops when we really have to but we're also not supposed to buy more than we need? More than we need for how long? Confusion. Mixed messages.

Apparently Boris Johnson said, in answer to a journalist's question, that he was going to see his mother today (it's Mother's Day in the UK) but then Downing Street issued a 'clarification' saying that what he meant was that he was going to speak to her on Skype. Boris, of course, is not allowed to trust his own judgement, because he is the man that the masses are going to follow. So whether he was actually intending to visit his mother or not, he's not going to now!

I did visit my mother, because she wanted some long life milk - 'as much as you can get' - even though she never uses milk. I got her four cartons, the most I was allowed to buy in Aldi, even though I was frightened I might get judged by other shoppers. I bought her some flowers while I was there (I'd already written a card, which I was intending to put through her door, because I don't visit on the days when my sisters do, to minimise any risk to her health. Sunday is the day that one of them usually visits. They're all going more often than usual now, which I really appreciate and I know my mother does too).

We might all have that element of choice over our actions removed soon, if we follow the example of other countries and go into complete lockdown. In Italy, public parks and other public spaces have been closed. Our family - Paul and I and the children - have spent an hour or two each afternoon at our beach hut the last few days, which has been bliss - it's not cold in the sunshine. But when we walk along the beach, we see that the promenades are packed and people are queuing for takeaway drinks and foods from the restaurants which have been told to close. And the toilets are all still open...I suspect that the virus might be spreading in these places. We've been told to take exercise, so I'm hoping that we can still go to our beach hut but that the cafes and toilets will be completely closed - that should limit each visit to a couple of hours and mean that everyone isn't too close together. We'll have to wait and see.

Back to the judging and blaming and why we shouldn't.

If I was the gambling sort, I would stake a bet that most people in this country currently have more food at home than they usually do. It's human nature - like squirrels, we're packing away extra nuts just in case. I spoke to a lady in the supermarket this morning who said it was just the same in Spain a few weeks ago, but the shortages only lasted about a week and now everything is back to normal. And things were normal in the supermarket this morning - no gaps on the shelves whatsoever. And I didn't go until eleven thirty. Hopefully we can now start to put all this behind us. The sooner, the better.

So why should we not judge? We don't know the circumstances of these shoppers. Are they self-isolating? About to self-isolate because they feel unwell and they live alone? Who else are they shopping for, apart from themselves?  And we don't know who feels the most fear, or why. Maybe some of the 'selfish hoarders' are just more scared than the average person for some reason - they deserve our sympathy, not our blame, for this. There's no point inflicting guilt upon these people, whoever they are, who have bought up all the toilet rolls. They are only human. Even the 'profiteers' deserve our sympathy. We don't have to buy from them. (I haven't got any hand sanitiser in the house and I don't want any. I never bought any in the past, why would I now? I do wash my hands...) Something must have made these so-called profiteers feel so deprived that they have put aside their morals and scruples and behaved badly, risking the disapproval of others.

Those of us who are not excessively fearful of the virus are fortunate. I have always suffered from anxiety, but my sort is over nothing - or nothing real. I am more frightened of being judged negatively by the supermarket workers than I am about the very much more real risk of catching the virus on one of my overly frequent visits there. Crazy but true. And I realise I need to work on not caring about what people think of me - I fear it will be the work of a lifetime.

I heard from one of my daughters this morning that one of her wealthy schoolfriend's fathers has bought a ventilator on the black market for ten thousand pounds. My immediate response was that he was clearly morally wrong in this action. Then I thought again.

What I thought was: If I had six months left to live (just suppose) I wouldn't want to spend any of them learning to use a ventilator. I wouldn't want to try to recruit a nurse who knew how to use it either. I would be too ashamed of myself to do that. Plus, it might be a criminal offence to buy one for private use, for all I know. If it isn't, it should be.

Or should it? I mean, if the guy has worked hard all his life to accumulate money (possibly because of a gaping void in his heart formed in childhood, and due to the fear that he will never be loved, never deserved to be loved) - shouldn't he be allowed to buy what he wants? Shouldn't everyone? If we believe in capitalism, isn't this just an extension of someone buying a mansion - or a second mansion - while others don't have a home at all, or don't have enough to eat?

Personally, I wouldn't want to be using my ventilator to keep  myself alive, knowing how many other lives it could have saved in the six months before I became unwell. But then, isn't that a matter for this man's conscience? In a liberal society? Life isn't fair, and times like this make it even more obvious than usual - celebrities using private jets to fly to risk-free zones, anybody? - but I still prefer capitalism and personal freedom to the alternative.

I've thought for a while that if you have more to lose, you're not necessarily lucky. I can walk on the beach and admire the huge beachfront houses. but I have the same access to the sea that they do and I enjoy the same views - free. I don't have a massive mortgage, or a business to run with the worries and responsibilities that these things entail.

Not that I wouldn't want the beachfront house if I had the opportunity - but I don't need it to be happy.  And that in itself makes me lucky. (The beach hut makes me lucky too - I've waited a long time to get one! It's not actually mine, in fact, I'm renting it for a year with another family but I feel incredibly fortunate to have the opportunity to do so.)

So I'm not going to judge the guy who bought the ventilator. I wonder how many of the super-rich have done the same and how many of us would do the same if we could. None of us are beyond reproach. I only behave 'selflessly' - to the extent that I do, which isn't to the point of being saintly at all - for personal reasons, which are not always the right reasons.

My family - the six of us - have decided to watch an episode of The Durrells together on TV every evening. It's given us all something to look forward to each day - so I have to go now. I can't wait!

Friday 20 March 2020

Can Carrots Catch Covid19?

I just re-read the last post I'd written on here just ten days ago - and I find it hard to believe that I didn't even mention Covid19. Things have changed so fast - to the point that this week the new normal is Boris Johnson appearing on our TV screens every day at about five pm, telling us about the latest developments.

Boris is fascinating - I'd often read about how his bumbling persona was just an act to endear him to the people and that in reality he was sharp as a pin - and now here he is live on TV every day, being sharp as a pin. I mean, I already knew it, but sometimes you have to see things to believe them. He answers almost all of the questions the journalists throw at him off the cuff, word perfectly, and without beating around the bush. Amazing - and impressive.

I'm still losing weight - I mean, the world has changed around us and we have to adapt, but that doesn't mean we have to change everything in our own lives. Although once or twice I have thought - does this actually matter? Should I just start buying cakes and crisps again? But the answers are always yes, and no. It's even more important to get into shape in the current circumstances because being the correct weight is part of being fit and healthy and it all benefits the immune system. In fact, other members of the family - I won't name names. Okay, it's just Paul - have joined me on the Blood Sugar Diet. It's the ideal opportunity in many ways. The family were already benefitting from the new way of eating because of my improved understanding of nutrition and cooking - now they can reap all the benefits of feeling healthier, as I am.

Paul has frozen our family gym membership, although I expect the gyms will all be closed soon anyway, if they're not already. He's working from home because he has asthma. I'm still visiting my mum daily because she's really vulnerable and needs regular human contact and other care. She has COPD and is 84 and very frail. We've kept our sons off school since Wednesday morning (the government were only a couple of days behind us, closing the schools from this afternoon, although most of the boys' friends are already staying at home). Our younger daughter goes to a different school and has been having online lessons for the last couple of days - her end of term was scheduled for today anyway. Our elder daughter is at Uni and has already been home for a week or so anyway - her end of term was last Friday.

We've kept up some routine - quite a lot of routine. We're getting up early and having breakfast together (we eat all our meals together in fact). The children are all studying in the mornings and part of the afternoons (they have short breaks and walk the dogs during the morning). We're also all going out in the afternoons together for walks.

Our routine is evolving. Soon all the kids will be on their official Easter breaks, and then maybe I won't be insisting that we all get up at 7am - although I'm going to make sure they don't just dive into the internet and get lost there for several weeks. The girls wouldn't anyway, they're really motivated to study, but the boys might... So they're going to be reading books for a large proportion of the day instead. We're also going to garden together...

I bought some vegetable seeds a few weeks ago, aided by a friend who has been working her allotment for many years and advised me on some foolproof first-time grower purchases, such as courgettes and potatoes. Of course, this was nothing to do with the virus, we weren't even thinking about it back then. And we're not planning to become self-sufficient in case there is a famine or anything - it's pure coincidence. A lucky one though - again, not because of a famine - our supply chains are all still working and I don't think carrots can catch coronavirus - but because gardening will be good for all of us. I planted quite a few bulbs back in the autumn which means we can spend more time admiring the flowers and making the most of our outside space. We can also make the garden look even better by all weeding together and make it more productive with the vegetables. Gardening is very therapeutic and it will be a brilliant learning experience for all of us. It was going to be something for me only - like the new way of eating was originally, but I'm really glad to be able to include the rest of the family. Despite the circumstances which have led to the change of plans...

The weather is improving - we might even get started with the weeding and digging this weekend. Yesterday I bought compost (the shops are surprisingly quiet mid-afternoon and I've been able to buy all the provisions I need, including toilet tissue - the only thing we can't find is eggs, but that was yesterday and they're probably back in the shops today, or will be soon. As I said to the guy on the checkout in Aldi yesterday, it doesn't really matter if we can't get eggs, we'll live. And then I realised what I'd said. But I stand by it - we will live.)

So, I said our routine is evolving, and it will continue to evolve. I'm hoping for lots of reading and lots of exercise for us all. I'm also hoping that Paul can keep working remotely (i.e. that his company won't go bust, as many will). We had a lot of foreign language students booked in for the next few months - I'd decided that this would be my financial contribution to the household and I was intending to stick at it and make it work. We've hosted students in the past and I know it's not always easy having non-family members in the home, especially as in our household it means the boys have to share a room. But anyway, all that has gone out of the window - the student groups had cancelled one by one and the language school gave up the ghost yesterday and closed its doors for the foreseeable future. Just one of the many businesses that have suffered - I do hope they'll all re-emerge before too long, hopefully working from paper-free offices (we're all going to be working online anyway for the next few months - we'll manage without paper, and it's an ideal opportunity to keep that going). As the kids have said, there will be silver linings to various accumulating clouds - the environment will benefit from less air travel, for one.

One big thing has changed in our home and to me it is definitely a silver lining. On our first day at home - Wednesday - I was worn out by lunchtime. I had spent three or four hours preparing and clearing up breakfast and lunch for everyone, cleaning the bathrooms, hoovering, walking the dogs and so on. All the things I do every day, but there is more of it to do when everyone is at home. At one point, Luke (our youngest) came into the bathroom when I was on my hands and knees and said, in genuine surprise, 'Why are you cleaning?'

'This is what I do,' I told him, surprised that he didn't realise. I suppose when they're at school they think I sit around at home and read the newspaper or something. I do that too...

Anyway, on the portentous Wednesday it suddenly occurred to me - I don't need to provide a support system any more. I mean, Paul works. The older girls study very hard and the boys will be studying too. But we all live together in this house and I have things I want to do. I am a writer. I don't earn anything most of the time but this is partly because I so often distract myself with various other things - visiting friends, hosting students, holding writing groups and so on.

Now this is my opportunity to take my own work seriously. I can actually be a writer. Why should that be less important than everyone else's studies and Paul's work? They'll all have leisure time and can use some of it to keep the house running. All my time does not need to be sacrificed to that.

I want equal parity, I told everyone over dinner that evening. And to my surprise, they didn't object. So I drew up a rota - everyone is to take turns preparing each meal. Everyone is to help with cleaning and washing. We'll all garden together (as I already mentioned).

The thing is, it will be beneficial for all of us. The children already have some cooking skills - learned at school and at home, and in Anna's case, at University and on her gap year when she lived away from home. They can all read a recipe book and follow instructions. They are learning self-sufficiency. The youngest is only 12 so I am helping him to learn some of the necessary skills - even the 15 year old didn't have a clue how the washing machine worked - but basically they already know how to do most household tasks, they've just all assumed it was my job because that's what I've been doing for all these years. Practising them, and being praised for doing so, can only be a good thing.

And for me, the new order of things is bliss. I came back from visiting my mother yesterday evening to a meal of lentil fritters and salad, cooked by my eldest daughter. What a treat - better than being out in a restaurant. This morning, Paul cooked porridge for the family. At lunchtime, Luke made a salad... Each household chore is not onerous in itself, it is only when the entire burden falls on one person that the weight becomes too heavy. A lot of my time has been freed, just like that.

I just need to justify this by taking my work seriously. By actually writing. So, I was reading the newspaper this morning in the living room, when Anna came in and reminded me that I should be writing. 'A writer has to read' I announced, before reluctantly taking her point and getting out my laptop. Two and a half hours later, I had got properly stuck in to my work and was really pleased with myself. (I'm editing my thriller, Into Thin Air, it's going to be so different and so much better than before. I'd already written half of the next book in the series, but stopped when I started my healthy eating thing a couple of months ago - it's still there, waiting for me to pick it up... I am going to write the three book series I said I would. After that, who knows?)

This time, I'm really going to get it done (just like Boris and Brexit and now Boris and Covid19 - he did actually say on his broadcast yesterday that he was going to 'get this done'. I was watching Gogglebox the other day when one of the viewers said that they wouldn't take Boris seriously until he said exactly that in relation to the virus...it made me laugh at the time and when he said it yesterday I couldn't help wondering if he had been watching that episode too).

I haven't changed my politics by the way. But Boris seems to be an example of someone coming out of this in a good light - it turns out that he is a good leader after all, or hopefully so. It'll be interesting to see who does and who doesn't. Acting selflessly is easier when we don't feel that we're in personal danger. I hope I'm one of the people who acquits myself well and with dignity, if push comes to shove...

Enough for now. Love to all.

Tuesday 10 March 2020

An Update

Just read my last blog post and thought an update might be useful. As far as the blood sugar diet goes, I'm now in my eighth week and have lost around eighteen pounds, bringing my weight down to just over ten stone. I feel so much better and move so much more easily - I particularly notice this when I walk the dogs. All the weight around my hips and middle must have impeded me, although I didn't realise it. I mean, I never felt that walking was a strain, but walking now is such a pleasure, a totally different experience.

I have fallen off the blood sugar wagon a bit in recent weeks. I upped my calorie intake to 1200 a day after I'd lost a stone, about four weeks in, because I started to feel that 800 cals wasn't enough A week or two later I started to creep over the 1200, and now I reach around 1500 most days. But I'm still slowly losing, getting fairly close to my target weight, and I've decided to go back on the strict 800 cals a day version from the end of this week. Hopefully it will then only take a few weeks to get to my goal, if I stick to my guns.

I've been to various exercise classes at the gym. Paul has been much better than the rest of us at making use of the family membership - he has gone literally every other day without fail. I haven't been nearly as good. I started swimming lengths at first but for some reason that has tailed off.

I've tried aquarobics a few times (I must be middle-aged because I literally love this exercise. I used to look at all the middle-aged women doing it in the shallow end of the pool when I was young, ploughing up and down doing my solitary lengths and just think 'why?'. But now I get into the pool with my contemporaries, the music blares out, the instructor begins to yell at us all and I and just start grinning like a maniac. Weird.)

I've also been to a high intensity strength conditioning class with a friend. I did my best at this but it was nowhere near good enough; at one point when everyone else was doing push ups and planks I just coiled up into the foetal position on my mat and hoped the instructor wouldn't notice or comment. I don't really want to try it again but have resolved to do so one day, when I am much further forward on my fitness journey, in the hope that I will have improved.

I've been to the gym a few times, to the family exercise sessions (Paul comes along too, and these are the only times the boys make use of their memberships. It's nice to do something together as a family, although to be honest I have to say it hasn't happened for quite a few weeks.)

Oh yes, I tried spinning the other day. I went with a different friend and I was absolutely rubbish at it. My friend said I would soon get better, but I don't think I will ever find out whether that is true. I'd rather go for a real cycle ride, in the fresh air, and without half-killing myself in the process. Also, I felt sorry for the instructor, who was clearly concerned for me. I left the class early so she could stop worrying (that was the excuse I gave myself, anyhow).

You will be pleased to hear though, that I have now, finally, found the exercise for me! It's called yoga. It involves a lot of lying supine on a mat thinking nice thoughts, and plenty of gentle stretching. There was also a little planking and leg lifting but I didn't do most of that and nobody told me off. Downward dog, likewise. I intend to build up to it, and I feel that such a thing is actually possible. (This is hatha yoga by the way, which I think must be the gentle sort. I might challenge myself with a more advanced type one day, but I'm not in a hurry).

I feel like Eeyore must have done when he finally found the thing he liked to eat (thistles, for those of you not familiar with Winnie the Pooh). I'm so pleased. I have booked in for next week and intend to make a regular thing of it. I like it even better than the aquarobics.

I do intend to up my game. I'll instigate the continuation (reinstitution?) of the family gym sessions again. And of course, I'll keep walking the dogs every day. And I'll keep on with the swimming and aquarobics. I might even keep trying different exercise sessions. But yoga! Love it.

Yay!

In other news, I started a new writing group at the local library last weekend. It went well and hopefully it will continue for some time and motivate all of us to keep on... I'll keep you informed as to how my writing is going - next time.