I went to see the psychiatrist on Friday morning, and have been debating with myself ever since about whether to blog about the meeting. In the end, my big mouth has got the better of me as usual - I didn't get where I am today by being reticent, after all. (Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Discuss).
So here's what happened. Paul came with me to the meeting with 'Dr Jameson' - not his real name, but the one which I used for him in my memoir (he was the psychiatrist I saw after the birth of my second daughter, and my subsequent children). The three of us talked for about an hour. The doctor did most of the talking, I said what I could (although I felt a bit overwhelmed, which is unusual for me nowadays) and Paul joined in occasionally.
The upshot of the meeting is that the psychiatrist now thinks I do not have schizophrenia after all. That is to say, I have not recovered, because it is not possible to recover from schizophrenia (without the long-term use of medication). The fact that I am so well nowadays can therefore only be attributed to the fact that I was misdiagnosed in the first place.
I did remind him that he suggested the misdiagnosis thing some years ago, only to be talked out of it by 'The Team' (this is in my memoir). He said, though, that ideas have changed, the criteria for the diagnosis are different now...he was very articulate and very convinced of the rightness of what he was saying.
Well, hindsight is a wonderful thing, is it not? I don't like what this means for people who are being diagnosed with schizophrenia now. It means they can still be told there is no chance of a full recovery. On the other hand, as he put it, what would be best for me? Obviously, it would be to be told I was misdiagnosed. Hurrah, redemption, no schizophrenia after all! And who am I to look such a gift horse in the mouth?
I did a short counselling course a couple of years ago, and I remember during one of the last sessions, the teacher (who was lovely) telling me that I had a tendency to over-empathise. She said that instead of standing at the side of the pit offering a helping hand to the person who was in there suffering and then pulling them out, I had a tendency to get down into the pit with the sufferer. Thus creating a problem for myself, and not proving much use to them.
She was right. But isn't this a bit different? Isn't this like being in the pit with a whole load of other people, scrabbling my way out on to the edge and then walking off without a backwards glance at those I have left behind?
I just thought I would air the situation here. Nothing is settled yet - 'Dr Jameson' has to sift through the old records, and come to a decision (presumably aided by 'The Team'). And I am probably not doing myself any favours by blogging about it here right now. But I just wondered what other people's thoughts are on this.
It is complicated by the fact that I don't actually believe in schizophrenia as a term anyway. I don't think it has any foundation. Psychiatry is based on a lot of guesswork. So how stupid would I have to be to insist that I am (or was) schizophrenic, just to try to help other people with the same label see that recovery is possible? I did talk to the doctor about this - I said that nervous breakdown would be a much kinder term for the experience of extreme emotional distress.
I also managed to refer him to the work of Daniel Mackler, and the Finnish system of Open Dialogue (he wrote these things down). And I spoke to him about the brutality of the system, the wrongness of forced medication and the fact that if there was more trust between mental health professionals and patients then the system would be vastly improved.
He countered by talking about violent incidents that he had seen in mental hospitals in the last year, and how he has to protect the public and the patients themselves, which shut Paul and I up nicely. And I can kind of relate to where he was coming from, because some of the things he sees in his job must be awful. But still. There must be an awful lot of people who are not violent who are brutalised by the system, and there must be some way of differentiating between the violent and the non-violent patients. Plus, the system itself brings out the worst in people - if you are not treated kindly you are far more likely to respond with anger, in any situation.
Anyway, I will await the outcome of all this, and meanwhile my message remains the same. Recovery from a serious mental illness is a reality. In fact, if you recover from a diagnosis of schizophrenia you are likely to be told you never had it in the first place. Maybe that's how you know you've recovered.
Confused by all the doublespeak? Me too. But I am no less fascinated by the subject of mental illness - I really, really want a career in it now.
Back to the recovery book - I wrote a new chapter yesterday, about my meeting with the psychiatrist, and I suppose there will be more to come when I get to hear the decision about the 'Schizophrenia'. He did say that if it was schizophrenia then clearly I have recovered, so that was good. I will let you all know in due course - meanwhile, feel free to comment on the issues in this post.
Sunday, 15 April 2012
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Who Would Have Thought it? Risperdal is Unsafe...
The title of this post is, of course, meant without a trace of irony... The side effects of psychiatric drugs are terrible, and everybody knows it. So well done, American Judge, for striking a blow for justice - perhaps now psychiatric patients will be better informed of the risks and won't be put on these drugs and kept on them for ever. We can hope.
This news made me shudder actually - Risperdal, aka Risperidone, was the drug I was recommended to take while I was pregnant with my second daughter. I was told it was perfectly safe in pregnancy, but said I preferred not to risk taking any drugs while I was pregnant - although I did obediently start on the Risperidone after my daughter was born. I was not ill at all, but apparently taking medication after childbirth was a sensible precaution, for 'prophylactic reasons'. Ha! It made me feel unwell (funny, that) so I soon stopped.
I am so lucky though - I did take thse drugs for several years in my mid-twenties, but did not end up dependent, and hopefully will have a long and healthy life. So many don't, and I feel it is so unfair. I feel so sorry for the people I see who have lost their lives to the psychiatric system. It is so sad to witness people who are so demoralised, so hopeless about their own prospects.
Anyway, here's the link to the news story:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-17677657
This news made me shudder actually - Risperdal, aka Risperidone, was the drug I was recommended to take while I was pregnant with my second daughter. I was told it was perfectly safe in pregnancy, but said I preferred not to risk taking any drugs while I was pregnant - although I did obediently start on the Risperidone after my daughter was born. I was not ill at all, but apparently taking medication after childbirth was a sensible precaution, for 'prophylactic reasons'. Ha! It made me feel unwell (funny, that) so I soon stopped.
I am so lucky though - I did take thse drugs for several years in my mid-twenties, but did not end up dependent, and hopefully will have a long and healthy life. So many don't, and I feel it is so unfair. I feel so sorry for the people I see who have lost their lives to the psychiatric system. It is so sad to witness people who are so demoralised, so hopeless about their own prospects.
Anyway, here's the link to the news story:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-17677657
Monday, 9 April 2012
Free Memoir on Amazon Today!
My memoir 'Surviving Schizophrenia' by Louise Gillett, is free to download on Amazon today. You do not need a Kindle - it can also be read on any PC or mobile device. Please pass the word on to anybody who might like a good read. Here's the link: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0057P6M46
Sunday, 8 April 2012
I'm OK, You're OK
'I'm OK, You're OK'. This was the title of a book by Thomas Harris I read years ago - I understood the principle of it, that you should live and let live (a vastly simplified summary, sorry) but I still find it hard to apply in practice. I enjoy anaylsing people and situations, and it has become a habit over the years that is hard to drop.
I think it is ok to analyse, as long as you can do it without judging. I am making headway on this habit - I have always judged myself harder than anyone else, and so I am trying to be kinder and more understanding of other people's foibles and of my own.
I have had a rough couple of days, health-wise. I have had a sore neck and shoulder for a couple of weeks, and yesterday it took a turn for the worse - I had to give in and take painkillers, and I still didn't feel much better. Plus, I got an eye infection, so have had to wear my glasses instead of my contact lenses for the last two days.
I used to be so vain that I would never wear my glasses, even though without them I couldn't see a thing (as those of you who have read my memoir will know). I don't suffer from vanity now - but I still don't like wearing my glasses. I am used to the better vision that comes with contact lenses and I find it annoying to have something perched on my face all day. And because I usually only wear my glasses for an hour or two in the morning and evening, when I am just about to sleep or have just woken up, I feel oddly tired when I have to wear them all day. I don't quite feel myself, as if I am at one remove from the real world.
Anyway, on the bright side, although I retired to the bedroom to nurse my misery yesterday afternoon (once we had done the family trip to the nature reserve, dog on her new extendable lead) and I was upset since I couldn't write because my shoulder hurt so much, I got a lot of reading done. I finished this month's book group book 'Restless' by William Boyd, which I really enjoyed. So I will write up the review on Amazon this evening.
I surprised my elder son, who came in to see what I was up to, when I told him I was reading a spy book. I think I went up a notch or two in his estimation for that... Spies are his terrain, and of course that of Toddler, who copies everything his big brother does.
I made lunch for ten today (not as much of a big deal as it may sound, as I cook for six every day). After lunch we had an egg hunt for the kids, which was over in about five minutes flat. Every year they insist that I hide the eggs and write clues - it has become something of a tradition. Later in the week we are having another hunt for cousins - I am hoping to buy the eggs reduced after Easter, skinflint that I am.
Not much is happening for me in the wide world just now. I was excited last month when a film company declared interest in consulting me about a project they had on - but that seemed to fizzle out. The peer support work that I was due to start at the end of this month appears to be on a go-slow. The person who has commissioned me to ghost-write his memoir wants to start in early May. Which is all fine - I am not in a hurry to have all my free time taken up with other projects, but it does feel like an anti-climax after the excitement of my day in London with the Schizophrenia Commission.
The lack of activity elsewhere does present an opportunity to get on with my recovery book, of course, which I shall grab with both hands, as soon as the school holidays are over. Not that I want them to be over - two weeks never seems like enough at this time of year. We could do with an extra week now and one less in the summer perhaps...
Anyhow, ciao for now.
I think it is ok to analyse, as long as you can do it without judging. I am making headway on this habit - I have always judged myself harder than anyone else, and so I am trying to be kinder and more understanding of other people's foibles and of my own.
I have had a rough couple of days, health-wise. I have had a sore neck and shoulder for a couple of weeks, and yesterday it took a turn for the worse - I had to give in and take painkillers, and I still didn't feel much better. Plus, I got an eye infection, so have had to wear my glasses instead of my contact lenses for the last two days.
I used to be so vain that I would never wear my glasses, even though without them I couldn't see a thing (as those of you who have read my memoir will know). I don't suffer from vanity now - but I still don't like wearing my glasses. I am used to the better vision that comes with contact lenses and I find it annoying to have something perched on my face all day. And because I usually only wear my glasses for an hour or two in the morning and evening, when I am just about to sleep or have just woken up, I feel oddly tired when I have to wear them all day. I don't quite feel myself, as if I am at one remove from the real world.
Anyway, on the bright side, although I retired to the bedroom to nurse my misery yesterday afternoon (once we had done the family trip to the nature reserve, dog on her new extendable lead) and I was upset since I couldn't write because my shoulder hurt so much, I got a lot of reading done. I finished this month's book group book 'Restless' by William Boyd, which I really enjoyed. So I will write up the review on Amazon this evening.
I surprised my elder son, who came in to see what I was up to, when I told him I was reading a spy book. I think I went up a notch or two in his estimation for that... Spies are his terrain, and of course that of Toddler, who copies everything his big brother does.
I made lunch for ten today (not as much of a big deal as it may sound, as I cook for six every day). After lunch we had an egg hunt for the kids, which was over in about five minutes flat. Every year they insist that I hide the eggs and write clues - it has become something of a tradition. Later in the week we are having another hunt for cousins - I am hoping to buy the eggs reduced after Easter, skinflint that I am.
Not much is happening for me in the wide world just now. I was excited last month when a film company declared interest in consulting me about a project they had on - but that seemed to fizzle out. The peer support work that I was due to start at the end of this month appears to be on a go-slow. The person who has commissioned me to ghost-write his memoir wants to start in early May. Which is all fine - I am not in a hurry to have all my free time taken up with other projects, but it does feel like an anti-climax after the excitement of my day in London with the Schizophrenia Commission.
The lack of activity elsewhere does present an opportunity to get on with my recovery book, of course, which I shall grab with both hands, as soon as the school holidays are over. Not that I want them to be over - two weeks never seems like enough at this time of year. We could do with an extra week now and one less in the summer perhaps...
Anyhow, ciao for now.
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
Food and Health
Thought I would link to this too, partly to remind myself to have a closer look later. I found this link on Gianna's blog too, and Emily Deans also referred to him, so I thought he must be worth a read (lots of information about health and nutrition, from the very brief glance I have already taken).
http://chriskresser.com/
http://chriskresser.com/
Schizophrenia and the Gut
Please read this article by Emily Deans; it is really illuminating http://evolutionarypsychiatry.blogspot.co.uk/
I found it through clicking on a link from Gianna Kali's Beyond Meds. I was idly reading an article about the benefits of exercise to release trauma in the body, for some reason clicked at a link on the side and found this article about schizophrenia and the gut.
Because I have been gluten free for several months now, it has just become part of my routine. I am starting to forget what a big effect it has had on my health, and this article reminded me. My anxiety levels dropped almost immediately when I cut out gluten - although I was having CBT at the same time, so it is hard to separate these causes.
Somebody commented on Emily's article that perhaps everyone suffering psychosis could be checked for antibodies to gluten etc. Apparently one American mental hospital that instituted a gluten-free menu found that many more patients recovered, and much more quickly, than usual. Amazing.
Food for thought, at the very least (sorry couldn't resist that!).
I found it through clicking on a link from Gianna Kali's Beyond Meds. I was idly reading an article about the benefits of exercise to release trauma in the body, for some reason clicked at a link on the side and found this article about schizophrenia and the gut.
Because I have been gluten free for several months now, it has just become part of my routine. I am starting to forget what a big effect it has had on my health, and this article reminded me. My anxiety levels dropped almost immediately when I cut out gluten - although I was having CBT at the same time, so it is hard to separate these causes.
Somebody commented on Emily's article that perhaps everyone suffering psychosis could be checked for antibodies to gluten etc. Apparently one American mental hospital that instituted a gluten-free menu found that many more patients recovered, and much more quickly, than usual. Amazing.
Food for thought, at the very least (sorry couldn't resist that!).
Sunday, 1 April 2012
The Great Outdoors - Again
Well, we had a long tramp around the nature reserve yesterday, and it was great, as I had anticipated. The only drawback was that the dog had to be kept on her lead, and she is not good on her lead - she pulls us all over the place. I keep meaning to get her an extendable one, so that she can roam a little as we walk, which is all she really wants to do. And after yesterday's experience I promised myself not to take her with us on Saturdays until I have bought the new lead.
We went out again today, but this time without the dog - to Legoland. I love it there - I am not bothered about the rides, I just like to see the kids enjoying themselves, and to walk around in the open air. I keep myself busy people watching, or reading from my Kindle while everyone else is on the rides or queuing for them. Very civilised.
We arrived early and left early today, to beat the rush and because we did not want to leave the dog at home on her own for too long. We still had plenty of time there - I think these things are best done in short bursts, before everyone gets too tired and grumpy. And one picnic meal out is plenty for a day.
What has this got to do with mental health? Not a great deal. But I do feel that I am continuing to change for the better - I am much calmer when we are all out, hardly ever anxious about anything, and as a result I enjoy myself much more. I am constantly marvelling at these changes - it may still take some time before I truly believe that they are permanent.
The poor dog has been suffering a bit. She had a phantom pregnancy which laid her low for a couple of weeks, although she is better now. It was sad to see her whimpering and fussing around the house. Her symptoms were quite severe - she seemed to have put on a fair amount of weight and had even started lactating. She really looked pregnant, although when I weighed her she had not actually got any heavier.
We will give her another chance at puppies in the autumn, and if she doesn't fall that time then we will get her spayed. It just doesn't seem fair to let her keep on having phantom pregnancies - this was her second time and it was much worse than the first.
I suppose, thinking about it, a phantom pregnancy is a bit of a mental health issue for dogs. I mean, I know it is hormonal, but if a human exhibited those symptoms they would probably be put on medication to sort their heads out, would they not? They might even be left on medication for ages, even though the problem resolves itself in a couple of weeks. I am not sure what point I am making here, except to say that it is lucky dogs don't have psychiatrists. Well, they probably do, but not on the NHS.
Anyway, following that random, irrelevant and frankly quite stupid train of thought, I will sign off now, and get back to the important business of catching up on the Sunday newspaper. We left so early for Legoland that it hadn't been delivered yet, but I was pleased to see it waiting on the mat when we returned. Up and at it!
We went out again today, but this time without the dog - to Legoland. I love it there - I am not bothered about the rides, I just like to see the kids enjoying themselves, and to walk around in the open air. I keep myself busy people watching, or reading from my Kindle while everyone else is on the rides or queuing for them. Very civilised.
We arrived early and left early today, to beat the rush and because we did not want to leave the dog at home on her own for too long. We still had plenty of time there - I think these things are best done in short bursts, before everyone gets too tired and grumpy. And one picnic meal out is plenty for a day.
What has this got to do with mental health? Not a great deal. But I do feel that I am continuing to change for the better - I am much calmer when we are all out, hardly ever anxious about anything, and as a result I enjoy myself much more. I am constantly marvelling at these changes - it may still take some time before I truly believe that they are permanent.
The poor dog has been suffering a bit. She had a phantom pregnancy which laid her low for a couple of weeks, although she is better now. It was sad to see her whimpering and fussing around the house. Her symptoms were quite severe - she seemed to have put on a fair amount of weight and had even started lactating. She really looked pregnant, although when I weighed her she had not actually got any heavier.
We will give her another chance at puppies in the autumn, and if she doesn't fall that time then we will get her spayed. It just doesn't seem fair to let her keep on having phantom pregnancies - this was her second time and it was much worse than the first.
I suppose, thinking about it, a phantom pregnancy is a bit of a mental health issue for dogs. I mean, I know it is hormonal, but if a human exhibited those symptoms they would probably be put on medication to sort their heads out, would they not? They might even be left on medication for ages, even though the problem resolves itself in a couple of weeks. I am not sure what point I am making here, except to say that it is lucky dogs don't have psychiatrists. Well, they probably do, but not on the NHS.
Anyway, following that random, irrelevant and frankly quite stupid train of thought, I will sign off now, and get back to the important business of catching up on the Sunday newspaper. We left so early for Legoland that it hadn't been delivered yet, but I was pleased to see it waiting on the mat when we returned. Up and at it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)