I couldn't think what to call this blog post so I decided on something cheery. It's probably because I'm getting old, but the weather makes a real difference to my mood these days. I am so much happier since the days started getting longer and the air warmer...
Looking back at my last blog post, which I wrote longer ago than I thought, I have made a little progress. I did publish my novel, in mid-February. But I did so under my married name, which I now feel was a mistake. If I'd published as Louise Gillett I'd have been able to harness my readership from 'Surviving' - or, rather, offer those who were interested the chance to read it. Now I'm back to the old problem - wanting to protect the children from any repercussions because of the diagnosis (the boys don't even really know about it - I told the older one years ago but I think he's forgotten!)
The stupid diagnosis - it's wrong but how can I ever prove that? The more I try to insist I'm not crazy the more crazy I will seem! I need to put the thing behind me now...and it's difficult to do that, but in a way I suppose it has worked for me. It has held me back - meant that I couldn't get any decent work - but that has meant that I have been free to bring up my family and that I am now free to write. Anyway, it was wrong. Time has proved that for me and all I need to do now is to forget about it. Whatever is/was wrong with me. whatever thing or things caused me to break down on several occasions when I was younger (I self-diagnose these causes as anxiety and low self-esteem) it's not a disease of the brain. Thank God.
I suppose I don't need to protect the children from other people's misconceptions. I just need to inform them that I haven't got the condition (and maybe not complicate things by explaining that I don't think anyone really has it, that the psychiatrists don't really know what's wrong when people get seriously mentally ill and have no idea what the outcome will be. I fear that my attempts at explanation make me sound unstable!) I don't want my kids thinking that they might inherit some terrible condition - the truth is that if they do ever suffer from mental illness it will probably be my fault, but only because of my shortcomings as a parent (which stem from the shortcomings in my childhood).
The truth there, if I say it myself, is that most of the time I am an excellent parent, because I put the kids before myself (this happens because of my crummy self-esteem. It's very good for them, not so great for me). And the family is doing well. Paul's career is flourishing and all our four kids have got into grammar school, not because they've been pushed but because they are all willing to learn and they understand the importance of education. Two of them have gone on to win scholarships to private school. They have loads of friends and are happy children. The outlook is very promising for all of them.
It still really bugs me that young people are still diagnosed with 'schizophrenia' and I'm considering getting back into mental health activism, to try to combat this. I don't know if I'll do any more good than I did last time I tried, quite a few years ago, but I think it's probably my duty to give it a go. I've been lucky to have found a way through it all - maybe I have a touch of survivor's guilt, knowing that so many people don't get past the diagnosis. The problem there is that it'll be difficult to distance myself from the diagnosis when I'm working, or volunteering, in the field. But I feel that I should.
So, I've contacted Rethink, the charity, and I'm teetering on the edge of the process of setting up a local group again. I haven't quite taken the leap. I might also pick up my Huff Post articles. I contacted the Huffington Post a while ago and asked if it would be okay to start blogging on there again after my long gap. They were really nice about it, said of course I could...and I didn't get around to it.
Meanwhile I'm writing. I am well into my second novel now - I'm writing a series of mystery thrillers. I intend to treat the writing as a job now - I've decided it's still work, even if I don't get paid (although hopefully I will earn some money as the series gains momentum). It's going well at the moment - I head out of the house to write, as experience has shown that's the way to get the work done. A couple of hours is plenty, because I don't like to leave the dogs for too long (although I feed them and walk them before I go). But a couple of hours a day is probably enough for most writers - it's hard to maintain the necessary concentration for much longer.
So, that's all for now.
