Tuesday, 18 May 2010

And Nothing But the Truth


I noticed this evening that I now have two followers on this blog, so I thought I had better give them (you) something to read. I decided that it is time I was honest - not that I have been dishonest so far. But most of my postings have put my illness into the past tense - for good reason, because I would really like to put my history of mental illness firmly behind me.

But. However. Well... Sometimes I am just not sure about my current state of mind. I am rational, I function well on a daily basis. I look after a large family, and our home, and am lucky to have a number of friends. But I do feel at times that this is all a house of cards. I get stressed about a lot of stuff. I worry all the time. And this is not a particularly comfortable way to feel.

Part of the problem is that I have no way of telling how other people are coping with life, inside their heads, but because I was once so ill I assume that my way of thinking must be wrong. Another factor is that I have a bit of a guilt complex - so if anything goes wrong, for instance if I get cross with the kids, or with my husband, I give myself a really hard time about it later. Which is silly, because what is done is done.

And what is done is not that serious - I have a rule that I never, ever, smack the children, which I have never broken, and which I actually think would be a good rule for every parent to adhere to. Because the only time I want to smack them is when I am angry - and this just can't be right. Even telling them off makes me feel that I have failed them - which I know is wrong because kids need boundaries, and mine are growing into wonderful, smart, happy and well-balanced little individuals - so I must be doing something right.

Anyway. I worry. Life doesn't feel easy, although I am lucky to have many more joyful moments than morose ones. My youngest in particular is a constant source of delight - I have never known a more ellubient little person. But the last few weeks I have been very introverted, thinking and worrying far too much about a lot of (largely inconseqential) stuff, and not feeling very healthy because of it. And as this is a blog about schizophrenia, I thought I should share my reality with anybody who is reading.

I don't intend to give in to these feelings. I know that soon I will swing upwards again (in fact I have wondered over the years if I might have been more accurately diagnosed as a manic depressive, particularly since that illness was attractively re-packaged as bi-polar disorder). I have started exercising more regularly, eating more healthily, and going to bed earlier to try to stablilize my moods.

I have also scaled down my social activities, and been spending more time with the children, which makes me feel more relaxed. I am sure it will be fine.

I hope this wasn't too vague to be of help to anybody. In a nutshell, what I am trying to say is - I am sane, but I am not whole. However, I am full of hope that one day I will be the person I want to be - calm, contained, and confident. I wish the same for you all.

More soon. X.

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