Saturday, 10 July 2010

What next?

I have found myself dithering over this blog again. I tried to write an entry the other day, but it sounded so banal that I stopped. Puppy news is all very well, but it's not going to help anyone in the throes of mental illness, or in the process of recuperation. I want this blog to mean something, and when I don't get any feedback I get disheartened.

Of course, I could easily widen my audience, by going public and sending all my friends and acquaintances links to this blog by email, but I am not prepared to go that far. My privacy, or the illusion of it, remains important to me.

I am thinking of digging up my memior though, and re-writing it. Getting it out there in all its awful detail, but changing any bits that might too obviously identify me. Although I accept that it wouldn't be too terrible if people did know who I am - I have no exalted position to fall from.

There is one particular member of my family who feels very strongly on the matter, but I think his issue is more with me spilling the beans on my father's business background than any gory details I might divulge on the subject of my personal history.

Anyway, this is about me - my story. My health. Because I am fast coming to the conclusion that to be really well I must stop hiding from my past. Unless I accept myself now as the product of my background and all that I have been through, instead of trying to pretend that I am now a completely new person, I will never be properly whole.

If anyone reads my book, I think I will feel freed in some way. If it helps anybody else in their quest, then I will feel it was worthwhile. I am not under the delusion that I have had the most terrible life ever recorded - other people have been sectioned, and a lot of them have never recovered to lead the kind of happy and fulfilled life that I now enjoy. But I do feel that some of my experiences will be useful to others - that the same reasons that led me to write this blog, in which a lot has been left unsaid, justify the publication of my memoir.

I intend to self-publish, probably on the net, and this may take some time as I do want to re-write and edit the story first. When it is done I will publish the link to the book here. And meanwhile, I intend to keep blogging, so please watch this space!


  1. I totally agree that we have to face to past to truly recover. I suffer from Psychosis (recent diagnosis) and as yet unidentified mental illness. Reading your blog gave me the courage to finally at the grand old age of 46 to acknowledge I had a problem and after keeping it to myself for most of my life tell someone and get help!Keep writing xxx

  2. Thanks Lotty. I have read your blog too, and will keep following it. x x

  3. thank you.. so much of what you say in your blogs I can identify with. I really wish I had a diagnosis of what is causing my psyschosis. I am struggling a bit at the moment as Ican feel up and down in one day ! I also find it hard to make friends as I feel a bit excluded and tend to jabber on and make a numpty of myself !

  4. Lotty, I honestly don't think a diagnosis makes a difference, or not in a positive way. The medication is not that precise that they can tailor it to a particular condition, as far as I can gather - it is just a matter of if it seems to be working, keep taking it. When I was very ill in hospital they tried literally everything - I was taking a whole cocktail of stuff at first - then they narrowed it down over time. The last time I was in they finally gave me Modecate, and I remember the psychiatrist said it was a very expensive drug, and the last thing they had left to try. I determined to improve, because there was a lot at stake - I was separated from my baby and felt that there was a real danger that she would be taken away. And luckily I did get bettter - but I am not sure if this was because of the Modecate or because I felt that I had no choice.

    Also, whatever your diagnosis is, there is a huge spectrum of degrees of each illness, and you might have all or some of the sypmtoms of one illness, or a mixture of them. Somebody I knew was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder, which I think is a cross between schizophrenia and mood disorder - or in other words, the psychiatrists couldn't decide if he had bipolar or schizophrenia so they hedged their bets.

    You will probably be better of thinking of yourself as having a nervous debility, which is in essence the crux of most problems that are classified as mental illness. Try and concentrate on improving the quality of your day-to-day existence - for me it helps not to overthink, and to exercise and eat well.

    Also, there will be people on your wavelength, and even if they are not around at the moment, you will eventually find them. Try to relax in conversations. I know I am a fine one to talk, after my recent blogs, but sometimes when I have just had a crisis of confidence (especially a minor one) I find I think more clearly afterwards.

  5. thank you for your positive words. I guess I have been mouldering in the doldrums a bit and not concentrating on recovery. I agree with a lot of what you say but feel for myself a diagnosis would help me understand. hubby says at the moment I just seem to want to shout at the world ! I do lose sight of day to day existence. On Tuesday I will be at the charity shop where I volunteer and will try to join in conversation without trying to hard !
    take care x