Saturday, 5 December 2009

An apology

I have to say sorry for going on at such length this morning. I hope I haven't bored any readers to death. Sometimes I fail to realise that the things that interest me have no relevance to anyone else's life... Though I still have hopes that some of my thoughts will chime with other peoples' sometimes.

I am far too analytical about stuff - I have a lot to learn about life in general and relationships in particular. In my defence, I really did have very little guidance when I was a child - then I was ill for a number of years, so in a way I am still growing up. But very belatedly.

And I know I said I was only going to blog once a day. But everyone else is asleep, so it can't really matter. I am not taking my time away from anybody else who needs me right now. Even my husband has retired to bed with his cold.

I neglected the children this morning, promising to take them to the shops, then getting bogged down by my blog. I did enjoy the writing though, and as Mummy I need some me-time to be able to give my best to the kids the rest of the time. Or so all those parenting magazine articles tell me.

I took the children to Pizza Hut instead, so everybody was happy in the end. Well, almost everybody - the food was not great, and the five year old actually ate none of his fish meal. All he had was loads of tortilla crisps from the salad bar, then he guzzled loads of Diet Coke, then complained of a tummy ache. Reminds me why I usually avoid eating out.

I don't usually neglect the children - normally I am a rather smothering mother. Lucky for them that I can spread myself between them - if I had just one child the poor thing would be overwhelmed by me. None of my kids has ever been to nursery - mainly because I haven't worked outside the home so I haven't needed to send them. Also because I have issues with trust. But mainly because I want them for myself - my lovely little people, who make me laugh and listen to my opinions and who need me to plait their hair or tie their shoelaces. Why would I want to pay someone else and let that person have all my joy?

I do let them go to pre-school of course, once they are eligible for their early learning grants. And the three older ones are all at school now, and all loving it. I still have my baby at home - and I am hoping that by the time he goes to school I wil be busy enough with my writing career not to mind letting him go. I am definitely not having any more - though I am one of those people that goes all gooey when they see a newborn.

I realise how very fortunate I am to have this family, and to be where I am in my life today. I do count my blessings constantly, and I apologise again for todays earlier rant. It is just that I still have a long way to go on the road to becoming a totally secure person. I was insecure for so long, it is still difficult to adjust to the realisation that I no longer have to worry about small upsets in my life, now that almost all of it is on track.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, the baby is shouting for me, 'Mama! Mama! Muuuum! Muuuuuuuuum!' Gotta go.

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