Friday, 25 February 2011

Schizophrenia and hospitals


I have just cancelled my pending foot surgery and feel a whole heap better. I have decided to re-book when Toddler is at full-time school. Then at least Hubby would only have to help out in the mornings and evenings. Otherwise, he would have to take weeks off work. Which would mean weeks of me bossing him about and him being moody...a sure recipe for disaster.

I couldn't bear not to be able to move for six weeks, with both feet in plaster. I think it would drive me round the bend. Also, now I can plan stuff - like some days out with the kids or maybe a weekend away for us all. I felt like my life was on hold, waiting for a date for surgery and then with the prospect of being out of action for six weeks after. I'm sure my feet won't drop off in the next couple of years. And once I have to stop wearing my furry Ugg-type boots I will find some other comfy shoes - somehow, somewhere.

Call me paranoid if you want, but I hate hospitals. I was dreading the overnight stay, and had become convinced that I wouldn't wake up after the General Anaesthetic. And the waiting, as I said, was killing me - if the appointment had come through already I would just have got it over and done with, but I think it is better this way. I hope I have made the right decision anyway.

It's nearly the end of half term. We have been really busy - had friends over on the rainy days, gone out and about on the one sunny day. And I have developed OCD - been compulsively tidying the kids' rooms and sorting toys. I honestly don't know where I have found the time. I am about half way through.

I think all the tidying has been displacement activity. I have had a bit of a crisis - come to a complete hiatus with the memoir. It just all began to seem so dismal, I got bogged down with it all. When I look back now, I think, my life couldn't have been that bad, could it? I certainly didn't realise it at the time - just blundered on in the time honoured teenage fashion, through obsession and madness...I am feeling a bit down with the misery inherent in the story of my life (or, my life until about twelve years ago). Need to inject some humour somehow.

And I do feel lighter-hearted now that I have cancelled the op - so maybe next week I can make a fresh start with the writing. Because I hate not writing - but the memoir became so depressing that I really couldn't continue for a while.

So, I will look at it afresh, try to make it more upbeat (although it is not an upbeat story per se) and finish it off as soon as I can. Then, on to pastures new. x.

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