Sun and so on

Hi all

Well, the toddler now has a rash - so that may have been the cause of his disgruntlement, although I still think it is more to do with the heat, and the new canine addition to the family. I have started putting him down for a daytime sleep again, which helps a lot. Today, though, he woke up after ten minutes, screaming in terror that there was a gruffalo in his room. So I let him stay up - it would have felt too mean to send him back to bed, because he was wide awake by then.

I have not been too well myself - I have been dizzy, and had odd aches in my left arm, as well as my usual IBS stomach pains. I am an experienced hypochondriac by now, and I know that the arm aches are just stress related, and best ignored, although I still sometimes vaguely wonder whether I am going to have a heart attack and drop dead. The dizzyness is getting worse though, and I think I probably have an ear infection, so I will head to the doctor soon, tomorrow if possible. I also have sore feet - long boring story, that one. Basically, I need to learn to sit still, instead of rushing around in the heat sorting out washing, cleaning and cooking all day. In view of the fact that my husband is at work I could really spend a lot of my day relaxing, if only I could let myself. I could condense all the housework into evening bursts. The way I operate though, is to do all my jobs in the daytime, then collapse exhausted in the evening and go to bed early. Silly.

The getting up early for the puppy dog has not lasted. Now I am back to my old ways of staying in bed until my husband brings me a cup of tea. This is because the pup now sleeps later than the children, and the children are in the habit of not bothering Mummy in the morning - they go straight to Daddy's side of the bed, he gets up, and often I don't even know anyone is awake until I get my cup of tea at seven o clock. Pity. I quite enjoyed being an early riser, for a week.

I had to take the puppy for her second jab today, and get her microchipped. Poor little thing didn't enjoy that one bit - but just one more week and we can start walking her - fab!

I see in today's Times that there are going to be more stringent rules applied to incapacity benefit. I have mixed feelings about that - on the one hand I am certain that I couldn't cope with a workplace, on the other hand I feel kind of cheated that the protection my benefit affords means I won't ever find out whether I could cope. Does that sound schizophrenic?

BTW, I hate when people use the schizophrenia word out of context - as I just did. In fact, I am starting to hate the word itself more and more. I may start campigning for use of the 'nervous debility' term instead. So much more ladylike. So much kinder and more forgiving.

Back to benefits - I really hope not to be on them for ever. I would like to earn my living as a writer, and gain some self-esteem along the way. I hide the fact that I collect benefit as I hide the fact that I have a diagnosis - with a sense of shame and inadequacy. But I am sure that the money has helped to keep me sane over the years - letting me relax about one element of life, the need to pay my own way, which I have found to be a great source of stress. Who doesn't? you might think. But as someone who has spent three months of her life in a mental hospital, on three separate occasions (i.e. nine months in total) I think I am living proof that I don't cope well with stress.

Anyway, I hope it all works out okay for any of you out there who find yourself in the same boat. Maybe you will be recast as working members of society, maybe you will carry on with the benefits. Whichever way it goes, remember you are still worthwhile, just finding your own path through life and perhaps taking a longer and more roundabout way than others to do so.