Sunday, 30 January 2011

January is Great

The title of this post was going to be 'January is Grim', but that sounded so depressing, and I didn't want to give the post a depressive slant before I had even started writing it. Then I thought - January is great, actually, because even if it is the most depressing month that means that February will be less depressing. In other words, while mired in January you can be sure that there is something to look forward to, which helps one escape from the feeling of being mired in it.

I have been thinking about getting counselling. It would be nice not to be so up and down - and down more than up unfortunately, these days. Usually when one of my babies gets to the age Toddler is now I embark on a new pregnancy, or already have a new baby to distract me. SO my hormones are kicking back now, perhaps - my body is craving that feel-good pregnancy boost. Also, for the first time in ten years or more, I am now experiencing some degree of freedom, and the trouble is that when I am not very busy I think too much, and often about the wrong things, so I get a bit miserable. And I put myself under pressure to keep up with the house and washing and walk the dog and write too, every morning, and to look after the kids to the best of my ability when they are around. I need to relax.

Writing my memoir is not really helping my state of mind, because it churns up all the old memories. Also, parts of it feel irrelevant - I keep questioning whether certain things should be included, whether they will interest the reader at all. (If indeed I decide to publish - I may not). And in the early part of the book I have left out a large section on a subject which I knew would be damaging to a particular member of my family - which means I have veered away from the truth, by editing it out.

Anyway, I have reached 42,000 words - about a third of the way through - and I will press on with it because otherwise it will always feel like unfinished business. Bit of a struggle at the moment though - I would prefer to be writing something frothy and fun. Hey ho. All in good time.

I really should get up, because apart from anything else writing in bed is not particularly comfortable. But it is the most peaceful place in the house just now - one of my nieces had a sleepover last night and the kids are having a lovely time playing this morning. I have had two cups of tea and one and a half bacon sandwiches brought to me by hubby. Very nice.

But I have earned it - every single weekday this month I have been the first up (one of my New Year resolutions, aided by the alarm on my new iThing.) And yesterday I got up at half six and left hubby in bed until eight, because he had been to the pub with his friends the night before. I know he has been the first up for the last ten years almost every single day, but still. I am making a HUGE effort.

Mornings are just not easy for me. Having said that, I think my body clock is adjusting - I have had to go to bed really early to be able to get up early, and this morning I was awake at about six tossing and turning and I really should have got up when Little Boy came into the room saying, 'There is some wee in my pyjamas'. But I didn't. I rolled over and said, 'Your turn, Daddy! ' with relish.

Maybe this is another reason why life seems hard at the moment. It is a shock to my body and my psyche, forcing myself out of bed against years of habitually snuggling down and turning over to snooze while waiting for that cup of tea. Welcome to the real world...

I am short of me-time. I used to insist on my share of me-time, just a few hours on odd weekends while hubby took the kids to his parents'. But now I have every morning free (or almost, I have dropped one of Toddler's play school days) it has become just as pressurised as any other time. SO in a minute I am going to get up and dressed, put on some make-up (didn't do that at all yesterday and I am sure that is why I was extra miserable). Look over my notes and diary entries, get organised for the day and week ahead. And then take the dog for a long walk, hopefully with eldest daughter for company. Nice.

By the way, anybody looking for practical health help might like to check out the Natural Health Answers website run by Helen Swan. I have just been browsing this - there is lots of helpful advice. Although of course, if you have been very poorly, check with your medical people before turning to homeopathy. I had some great results with homeopathic medicine while struggling to breastfeed Toddler (when he was a baby!) but not everyone agrees with the principles of it.

I try to end these posts with a positive message, especially for those of you who have been directed here from the Rethink site. So here's today's;

If you are or have been unwell, if you are worried or upset or even just struggling a bit BE EASY ON YOURSELVES. Do what feels right for you along the path to recovery. In the fullness of time it will all be ok. I promise.

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