Thursday, 13 January 2011

OK again

Hi folks

Yeah, ok again, I think. Have slept anyway, which is a good sign. Had a bad afternoon today though, nothing could reach me, I was just tired and moody and horrid.

I overdid it this morning - really must learn to pace myself. I decided that Toddler was going to play school too often and that he should have one day off a week to do fun stuff with Mummy. So I hoovered and walked the dog even before Hubby went to work this morning, so I could take Toddler for his fun morning with a clean conscience.

And we did have a fun morning - but a really busy one. Went to one of those indoor play places and climbed and larked about, with my brother and his wife and their kid. Got home at about a quarter to two and only had an hour before the school run began. So by half three I was in a blue funk (if that is the right term for a really bad mood). I did the dinner and everything, but when Hubby got home I had to go for a lie down, and he put the little ones to bed.

And this evening I am still quite stressed, which for me manifests as a physical feeling of kind of pins and needles in my head. Which is alarming and makes me worry that I am going mad.

Luckily, I haven't gone mad all week, so am not likely to now, and Hubby has been an absolute bastion of support. A couple of days ago I actually asked him if I should go on medication, bearing in mind my moods and stress, and he said that was the most ridiculous thing I have ever come up with. He insists that I am normal, sometimes despite all the evidence.

But then maybe he is right. Maybe everyone has their ups and downs. Maybe I should cut myself more slack.

My confidence has plummeted again, which is something I need to see to. I am tempted to get counselling, but if I am honest I know I could find help in books and online that would probably be as helpful. I just need to apply myself.

Also, I have not been writing enough, which makes me feel guilty and low. And there is only one way to put that right. I suppose I should crack on with that memoir, which I put aside just before Christmas and have not gone back to.

I just started to feel snowed under and sorry for myself - how could I manage the kids and all the housework, and write as well? And even though I had actually been managing and so I knew that I could, somehow feeling myself incapable made me incapable - the old self-fulfilling prophecy.

Anyway. This blog is supposed to uplift and encourage readers to feel more positive and hopeful about their lives. So let me end on a positive note - I have come a long long way from the craven pile of abject creeping nerves that I used to be, to a fully functional housewife and multiple mother (I know that's not the correct English, I just like the sound of it). I am almost sure that no-one who met me casually or socially would guess at my diagnosis.

Now I am hoping to take it one step further - to have the career that I always felt had eluded me because of my illness. So what if I have a crisis of confidence now and again? Life is definitely worth living, and if I could have seen into the future ten, fifteen or twenty years ago I would have been so grateful to see the self I am now, and so relieved. Bye for now.

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