Hair and Mental Health

Hi Doesn't having your hair done make you feel one hundred per cent better? On an ordinary day, I mean, not if you are ill or anything. My mobile hairdresser has just left - she is lovely, although I always end up talking too much when she is here - she is such a good listener. And she does my hair really nicely. Top lady. By the way, I am wondering whether people aren't finding what they need on this blog these days. It is more about my day to day life now, and not so much about schizophrenia - although I am hoping that people will take comfort in the fact that I have recovered to the extent that mental illness is not so much an issue for me now. You can always look at the older posts, for more information about my illness and recovery. Although there are so many of them that it would probably mean quite a trawl through. So I am thinking about setting up a blog on NHS Choices - they have a section for blogs on mental illness. I think a new blog might help me to focus better on the task at hand - of helping all of you who have been referred to this site from Rethink, to gain from my understanding of the illness (an understanding I have gained in the almost twenty-five years since I was diagnosed, and which centres around the fact that the label of schizophrenia itself is unhelpful and misleading, or certainly has been for me). Anyway, I am waiting to hear back from the NHS site, and when I do I will get the new blog set up and link to it here. I will try and make the posts briefer, and more focused on the subject of mental health, rather than the subject of me. In the meantime, please keep reading! x.

The Con-Artist

Hi again Do weird things just happen to me? I was on my way to collect Toddler on Friday last week, and an old lady waved me over. She was walking, I assumed she wanted directions. I stopped the car. She seemed very shaky. 'Will you take me to my house?' she asked. 'Please, dear. I live just down that way'. I explained politely that I was late to collect Toddler, she was very nice about it. I drove off. But I couldn't help watching her in my rear-view mirror. She was wobbly, tired-looking, very old. I felt guilty. So I stopped again, and we set off to her 'home'. 'Where do you live, exactly?' I questioned her on our way, anxious not to be late for Toddler. 'Is it near the park? By the fish and chip shop?' 'Where I live, dear' she kept replying, 'Just down here'. I began to think she had escaped from a nursing home. Then she said, 'Just pull in here, where that car is coming out'. So I did - and blow me down, she 'lives' in the Working Mens Club. She had the bare-faced cheek to walk up the ramp into the building (thanking me effusively before she left). The old lady was a con artist, who had basically wanted a lift to the pub! I had to chuckle as I drove off. It reminded me of a similar trick that my Dad had pulled when we were young. He conned a guy into giving us a lift to a restaurant - we three kids in the back of the car, my Dad in the front. We were mortally embarrassed, but also overcome by the giggles... The whole story is in the memoir, of course. And if anybody is wondering what happened to that, I am fine-tuning it now. I think it is more or less done, but I want to make sure before I send it anywhere. Haven't heard back from the agent - but then they undertake to reply within six weeks and it has only been two so far... Wonder if it is too early for a phone call to chase things up? Probably should resist until the manuscript is 100% completed. Hope all of you are well and happy, and enjoying the wonderful weather. x

Schizophrenia and the Internet

Hi Guys

Have not been putting the 'Schizophrenia' word into the titles of these posts the last few days, because I hate sensation seeking, and I hate the 'S' word. Whoever decided to 'Label' people must have been a - well, I won't go there. Anyway, the 'S' word is now back - because the traffic to the site has almost stopped since I stopped using it. I guess, as I said before, it must make the blog easier to find on a search.

I couldn't blog yesterday because my connection was down - and it really bugged me. I have been sulking about it, had real withdrawal symptoms from wanting to access my email and this blog. Not a healthy attitude, I know. I hadn't realised how dependent I was becoming on the Net.

I had another road rage incident yesterday - almost the same circumstances as the last one I blogged about. Unreal. And in the supermarket car park last night I saw another case - loads of really nasty swearing - luckily not directed at me this time. I was wondering if it is to do with the time of year. Maybe people get hormone surges in the Spring which could account for some of this? Or maybe it is just co-incidence that I have seen so much of it recently.

If I had blogged about this yesterday I would have gone on at length about it; luckily you readers are spared because I have calmed down overnight. I was so cross though - a young girl was swearing at me, shouting really agressively, using the F word. I had done nothing wrong - and my very young boys were in the back of the car.

I really think that people who are so close to anger when driving should have their licences taken away, on the grounds that if they can't control themselves they are a danger.

Enough for now. X

Tuesday

You can tell the state of my brain by the titles of these posts - Tuesday, indeed. Staggeringly unimaginative.

Amazingly, I think I may be nearing the end of this memoir, once and for all. Just a few more days work, possibly. Wow. Though, I suppose if the agent does get in touch I may have to think again, if she advises amendments or even a re-draft. If she doesn't get in touch though, it is pretty much finished as far as I am concerned.

If that happens, then I will send the file to one or two people who I can trust to give me impartial advice (yikes, where will I find those people?). Then either contact Mind or Rethink re publication, or send it to more agents. Or contact the one who was interested all those years ago. Or self-publish.

Whichever way, I need to get it out there now. Because then I can't waste another six months revising it, either now or in ten years time. I really need to move on.

Anyway. Had an unpleasant experience in the car this morning. I had popped into town to do a few chores, and was heading home. I turned a corner. Saw a car coming the opposite direction. The road was too narrow for us both. SO I kept going - because there was nowhere to pull in, cars parked all down my side of the road. Half way up there was space to pull in.

But. The car coming the other way didn't slow, or stop. So I couldn't reach the pulling in space before him. No point reversing, nowhere to pull into. Obviously. He was an old man, really nasty, really angry, yelling at me, 'Couldn't you see me coming?' Well, yes. But couldn't he see I had nowhere to stop and let him by? I didn't try to argue, he was angry out of proportion to the situation and so he was probably a bit dangerous, and certainly not worth trying to reason with.

I couldn't help but be upset though. He obviously had to back up a bit so I could pull over, and he was gone. No harm done. But meeting unpleasant indiuviduals leaves a nasty taste. It left me reflecting that the maddest people in society are often the ones who have never set foot in a mental hospital.

Although maybe he had. Who knows?

All the best to you all, anyway. I'm fine now. Just fine. x

Monday morning

Hi Guys

Well, I have not started on the memoir yet this morning - having the day off yesterday gave me the opportunity to calm down about it, which is definitely a good thing. I did have a quick peek last night - only fiddled with it for half an hour or so though.

So far this morning, apart from getting all the kids dressed, breakfasted and so on and sorting their packed lunches, I have been quite relaxed. I walked the dog down by the sea, as usual. The beach was lovely - there was a mist on the horizon which made it hard to tell where the sea ended and the sky began. The sun was sparkling off the water. Several Labs were having a swim, but not my soppy animal. She was too busy trying to dig up dead fish or crabs legs or whatever it is she scavenges down there.

The dog is quite well behaved these days. She has an annoying habit of jumping at me, because she wants to get at the treats I am carrying. She still hasn't worked out that it's counter-productive - that she will not get a treat if she jumps. What is worse is that she sometimes jumps at passers-by - the majority are dog lovers which is fine, but some people get snotty (I don't blame them, I wouldn't like to be jumped at by a wet, sandy and hairy little monster if I was all dressed up). And sometimes she jumps at kids, which is really awful.

But she is getting better - always comes if I call her, so generally now I can call her to me before she jumps on someone. And it is her one bad habit.

Anyway, this may not be relevant to anyone except me so it is probably best if I shut up now.

All the best. x.

Sunday ponderings

Hi Guys

Wasn't going to post today, but was just checking my email and I thought - hey, it wouldn't hurt to do just a little blog... And maybe in a minute I'll just have a really quick look at the memoir.

I haven't turned on my computer all day until now and it was actually quite hard not to - which is awful. But it was good to spend some time with the family - cooked a proper dinner, with vegetables, both days this weekend. It was getting to the point where I was worried that the children might forget what veggies are.

Bought some grass seed today and scattered it over the front mud patch. I don't hold out all that much hope of it working, but I can't help being a tiny bit excited at the thought of maybe having a front lawn. Fingers crossed.

Apart from that, I am not sure where the day has gone. Walked the dog at the beach this morning with elder son - he is the one that gets the least attention in this house, because he demands the least. He really appreciated the time this morning, so I must make a point of doing it more often.

Finished reading a book last night - called 'Forget you Had a Daughter' by Sandra Gregory. I am really picky these days about the quality of writing when I read anything and I found loads of holes in this one - surprising, because she had help in writing it from a journalist. Anyway, the story was interesting - a true tale of a British girl caught drug smuggling and her experiences in prison in Thailand and England. She carried drugs for money, because she was desperate to get home and didn't want to ask for help from her family.

She certainly suffered, and reading the book made me realise something - although I didn't do anything wrong to get ill, nor was I an angel. I mean, I took some wrong turns, and things could have been a lot worse than they ended up.

I mean, mental hospital is awful, but the shame and stigma of being in prison must be even more awful. Not that I ever did anything against the law exactly (except smoking dope, and I'm not sure that is an imprisonable offence. But I should have known better than to do it - it always made me so darn paranoid, and yet I persisted against all common sense).

I tend to feel sorry for myself far more than I should, when it comes to the illness and the aftermath. Because there are also loads of people in the world who suffer tragedy for no reason whatsoever - and for whom things never improve. I am actually very lucky, in lots of ways.

Anyway. If only I could go back and do it all again, with the benefit of hindsight... It would have been great then, to have someone appear to me as a nineteen year old in hospital and tell me that in twenty years time I would be married with four kids and happily settled in life.

Which is what I am saying to those of you reading this who are in the throes of mental illness now, or with family who are. That there is a way through, and out. I promise. There is no reason why anybody who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia should not get better. Don't let anyone tell you different.

Enough for now. x.

The Plot

I haven't lost the plot by the way. The daily plot, that is. But the memoir - that's another story, down to 70,000 words now. I think a day off would help to get some perspective. Also, Hubby, who has been an angel during the last week while I have been obsessively writing, is looking a bit the worse for wear. I think the kids are doing for him.

So, no blog tomorrow and no memoir. Sunday with the family, and hopefully that should help to restore the status quo around here... x