Hi all
The newsagent asked me for one pound fifty today for my newspaper (I had only proffered her a pound). I rather dumbly replied, 'Oh, I see, because it's a special Royal Wedding edition!'
'No' she said patiently, 'It's Saturday'. Which fact had somehow passed me by... Oh well.
I have been over anxious recently. Very stressed, in fact. I think I have gone a bit inwards since I have been dwelling more on mental health issues. (Also, one of my relatives has had problems recently - no more of that here, but it has been upsetting). I attended an event at my son's school last week, just for an hour, where nothing bad actually happened, but after which I felt just awful about myself - really inadequate and hopeless. I try to brush over these things and move on, but I really wish sometimes that I was not the way I am. I want to be a new, stronger me so badly. And time is running out, I am getting quite old now...
Anyway, the very same paper had an extensive article by Benjamin Fry regarding his recent 'Mental breakdown' and in which he recommends a specific therapy, Somatic Experiencing, which he says heals trauma. I could relate to a lot of what he wrote, so I have resolved to look into this, beginning by reading one of Fry's books and a couple he recommends by Peter Levine and Pia Mellody. I am going to order them from the library this afternoon.
It sounds as though one might need actual therapy to recover completely, which is however prohibitively expensive. But I am sure the books will have something of use in them - and it seems to me that my journey of self-discovery, at least for now, is to be done alone. The good thing about this particular therapy is that it offers complete recovery - which would be great. I mean, I function well in the main, I have certainly come a long way in the last twelve years or so, but I want to be more grounded all of the time, not keep going up and down as I do.
I tried to see a therapist recently and literally forgot to attend the first apppointment - she didn't return my calls when I tried to re-arrange. Which was probably not such a bad thing because I really could not afford the sessions anyhow. (I think I may have mentioned this here before - apologies if so).
There must be a way to get myself on more of an even keel. A lot of it is to do with not worrying so much about what other people think of me - which is a pre-occupation of mine, and an extremely damaging one, but something that seems to exert a continuous pull for some reason. It comes back to that insecurity I felt as a child, I think.
Anyhow. At least I am taking action now, instead of sitting around feeling bad, which I have been doing for the last couple of weeks. The catalyst was that one morning last week when Toddler was at play school I had half an hour free and felt absolutely lost. It felt horrible. Which I have now realised is due to the fact that usually I overfill my days to avoid facing myself and my self-destructive thoughts.
Anyway. I don't want this to be a miserable blog, so I'll stop here. On the bright side, at least I have the capacity to reason out my problems and try to deal with them - which means that I am making progress already. And on the even brighter side, a trip to the shops and library with my stunning and smart little daughter beckons - so I am off to get on with that. X.
Saturday, 30 April 2011
Thursday, 28 April 2011
Another Bank Holiday weekend
Hi Guys
Sorry it has been a while since my last post. The kids were on holiday from school for what seemed like ages, and although they have been back for a couple of days this week, there are more holidays due, as you know. I do like having the kids around, but it means that there is no time to blog, or to write at all really. Also, I don't have a great deal to write about...
Have written a couple of posts on the NHS blog, but am not sure about where I am going with that. I can write here in my own little bubble - but over there I am in the middle of other people with concerns about their own mental health - it is quite a different environment. A lot of my strategy to survive over the years has been to keep busy, keep on 'acting normal' until eventually I started thinking normally. Or at least functionally, which is good enough for me. When I am faced with other people who are floridly ill it makes me a bit wobbly - not a pleasant admission, I know, but if I can't be honest here, then where can I?
I am sure loads of people do get better from serious mental illness, but then have the same kind of attitude that I have had in the past - to pretend it never happened and to associate only with other poeple who are well. Which is where I am going with the memoir - intending to be up front about it all. But I don't want to dwell on mental health too much in my daily life - I am sure that is not good for me. I have so much to do on a daily basis I need to keep up my momentum.
Anyway. I am sure I will get a clearer idea of where the blogs and the writing are leading me, in the fullness of time. Even if they enable me to bring up the kids in a safe and stable environment that is value enough. I dread to think of the effect it would have on my children if I ever became unwell - mercifully the last time I was ill was when my eldest was newborn, so they really have very little idea.
Enough for now. I fear this may be a rather morbid and uninteresting entry. Apologies. X.
Sorry it has been a while since my last post. The kids were on holiday from school for what seemed like ages, and although they have been back for a couple of days this week, there are more holidays due, as you know. I do like having the kids around, but it means that there is no time to blog, or to write at all really. Also, I don't have a great deal to write about...
Have written a couple of posts on the NHS blog, but am not sure about where I am going with that. I can write here in my own little bubble - but over there I am in the middle of other people with concerns about their own mental health - it is quite a different environment. A lot of my strategy to survive over the years has been to keep busy, keep on 'acting normal' until eventually I started thinking normally. Or at least functionally, which is good enough for me. When I am faced with other people who are floridly ill it makes me a bit wobbly - not a pleasant admission, I know, but if I can't be honest here, then where can I?
I am sure loads of people do get better from serious mental illness, but then have the same kind of attitude that I have had in the past - to pretend it never happened and to associate only with other poeple who are well. Which is where I am going with the memoir - intending to be up front about it all. But I don't want to dwell on mental health too much in my daily life - I am sure that is not good for me. I have so much to do on a daily basis I need to keep up my momentum.
Anyway. I am sure I will get a clearer idea of where the blogs and the writing are leading me, in the fullness of time. Even if they enable me to bring up the kids in a safe and stable environment that is value enough. I dread to think of the effect it would have on my children if I ever became unwell - mercifully the last time I was ill was when my eldest was newborn, so they really have very little idea.
Enough for now. I fear this may be a rather morbid and uninteresting entry. Apologies. X.
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Hurray!
And hurray - I have my paragraphs back! I am so pleased. I hated that bunching-up allthe writing into one paragraph thing. I have no idea why it has changed back again, but whatever - never look a gift horse in the mouth. x.
Schizophrenia at the Seaside
Hi All
Since I have picked up a new follower - hi Eliza! - I thought I should write a blog entry. Been to the Isle of Wight today with hubby and the kids and some friends of ours. We went to visit another family, who moved over there three years ago. I am ashamed to say I have made no effort to keep in touch until now - despite thinking of my friend and her family often.
Anyway, we had a lovely time. Made me think that we should do stuff with other families more often. And I do intend to keep in touch more from now. My friend is bi-polar - she has kids the same age as ours, and a high-flying career too. She has struggled in the time that I have known her, but really does seem to be on top of things now. Part of this must be down to the slow pace on 'The Island' - it is all so much more relaxed there, like stepping back in time.
Our dog was well-looked after by the next door neighbour, who seems to have really enjoyed doing so. So, all hunky-dory.
The agent said no to my memoir - but now it is in the hands of another agent, and this one has asked to see it... I haven't set my hopes too high this time. Partly because he is a top agent and I hardly dare to hope that he might be interested in my work. Partly because I am still considering publishing under another name, and I have a feeling that if the agent did take me on he would not do so unless I was willing to take part in publicity.
Anyway, I am not going to think about any of that until next week at least. I need a holiday! If the agent does prove interested, then I will be going crazy again with the editing, because I want to be sure that I am completely happy with every aspect of it before I send it to him. If he isn't and I decide to self-publish I will have all the time I need to knock the book into shape.
Hope all is well with all of you. Enjoy the hols. Try not to overdo the chocolate...but don't feel guilty if you can't resist the temptation!
X.
Since I have picked up a new follower - hi Eliza! - I thought I should write a blog entry. Been to the Isle of Wight today with hubby and the kids and some friends of ours. We went to visit another family, who moved over there three years ago. I am ashamed to say I have made no effort to keep in touch until now - despite thinking of my friend and her family often.
Anyway, we had a lovely time. Made me think that we should do stuff with other families more often. And I do intend to keep in touch more from now. My friend is bi-polar - she has kids the same age as ours, and a high-flying career too. She has struggled in the time that I have known her, but really does seem to be on top of things now. Part of this must be down to the slow pace on 'The Island' - it is all so much more relaxed there, like stepping back in time.
Our dog was well-looked after by the next door neighbour, who seems to have really enjoyed doing so. So, all hunky-dory.
The agent said no to my memoir - but now it is in the hands of another agent, and this one has asked to see it... I haven't set my hopes too high this time. Partly because he is a top agent and I hardly dare to hope that he might be interested in my work. Partly because I am still considering publishing under another name, and I have a feeling that if the agent did take me on he would not do so unless I was willing to take part in publicity.
Anyway, I am not going to think about any of that until next week at least. I need a holiday! If the agent does prove interested, then I will be going crazy again with the editing, because I want to be sure that I am completely happy with every aspect of it before I send it to him. If he isn't and I decide to self-publish I will have all the time I need to knock the book into shape.
Hope all is well with all of you. Enjoy the hols. Try not to overdo the chocolate...but don't feel guilty if you can't resist the temptation!
X.
Sunday, 10 April 2011
New blog on NHS wesite - Link is here
http://talk.nhs.uk/blogs/mentalhealth/default.aspx
This should be the link to my new blog. Wish me luck! X
Sunshine
Hi everyone Sorry about the lack of recent posts. I have been meaning to set up the new blog and not quite got around to it... Haven't done much writing at all as it happens. Been out and about a lot in the last little while. Am still distracted by the whole memoir thing - waiting to hear from the agent. It has been four weeks now. They said you could expect to hear within six weeks - I phoned last Monday and they said the wait is actually six to eight weeks at the moment... Still, I suppose no news is good news. Have still not figured out how to sort out this blog so the paragraphs separate. I seem to be on a go-slow. Suffering from brain drain. Or should that be, drain brain? Maybe the sunshine has gone to my head. Anyway, watch this space. I am going to set up the NHS blog RIGHT NOW. Back shortly with the link. x
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Weather
Oh what a beautiful day! Warm sunshine...total bliss. I have been out with Toddler, and a friend of mine with her toddler, looking around the lovely gardens of Compton Acres in Poole, Dorset. Wonderful. Toddler is a bit tired now though. Grumpy when he gets tired. Oh well... Just got an email from the NHS re the new blog. I am going to set it up really soon, and keep a link to it on here. It will be more about the illness, my reflections on the recovery process and so on. Although when I say the illness, I don't mean schizophrenia, because I don't believe in it as you know. I think mental illness should be a general term, encompassing everything including depression, the aim being to diminish stigma as much as possible. Maybe under a kinder sounding umbrella than mental illness actually - nervous disability? Mind trauma? Anyway, more very soon. x.
Sunday, 3 April 2011
Mother's Day
Hi all Still waiting to hear from NHS choices re the new blog. I haven't written on here for a few days, because I was hanging on for them... Also because I am fed up of the way this blog inexplicably keeps re-forming itself as a single paragraph when I post it. Seems as though the NHS blog people might need some chasing. Yet another thing to add to the list for next week. The list is too long already. Next week is my last week before the kids are off for Easter, so I really should get my head down to some work. But I have committments at school - watching Easter Bonnet parades for a start. And there are friends who need my help just now - I can't say no to their need for company, although I really would like to just finish the memoir. Am really close now. Will be nice to shut the door on it. Anyway, now it looks as though Toddler has a chest infection - hubby is with him at the out of hours doctor now. In which case, I won't have much free time at all next week. But Toddler is too important to take any chances with. I would rather have no free time at all than take any risks with any of the children's health. Which brings me to the point of this post - that I am so grateful to have had my children. All the years of loneliness, and illness, up until I met hubby, all of the struggles, have been worthwhile. They have helped me so much, given me something to aim for and hope for. They are my reward for persevering when times have been hard. Maybe this is a bit sentimental, but then it is Mother's Day, so I am entitled to a little outpouring of sentiment. I so hope this doesn't bunch up into a single paragraph as the last couple of posts did - but I am almost sure that it will. So I have tried to keep it brief. So long for now. X.
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