Saturday, 30 April 2011

What day is it again?

Hi all

The newsagent asked me for one pound fifty today for my newspaper (I had only proffered her a pound). I rather dumbly replied, 'Oh, I see, because it's a special Royal Wedding edition!'

'No' she said patiently, 'It's Saturday'. Which fact had somehow passed me by... Oh well.

I have been over anxious recently. Very stressed, in fact. I think I have gone a bit inwards since I have been dwelling more on mental health issues. (Also, one of my relatives has had problems recently - no more of that here, but it has been upsetting). I attended an event at my son's school last week, just for an hour, where nothing bad actually happened, but after which I felt just awful about myself - really inadequate and hopeless. I try to brush over these things and move on, but I really wish sometimes that I was not the way I am. I want to be a new, stronger me so badly. And time is running out, I am getting quite old now...

Anyway, the very same paper had an extensive article by Benjamin Fry regarding his recent 'Mental breakdown' and in which he recommends a specific therapy, Somatic Experiencing, which he says heals trauma. I could relate to a lot of what he wrote, so I have resolved to look into this, beginning by reading one of Fry's books and a couple he recommends by Peter Levine and Pia Mellody. I am going to order them from the library this afternoon.

It sounds as though one might need actual therapy to recover completely, which is however prohibitively expensive. But I am sure the books will have something of use in them - and it seems to me that my journey of self-discovery, at least for now, is to be done alone. The good thing about this particular therapy is that it offers complete recovery - which would be great. I mean, I function well in the main, I have certainly come a long way in the last twelve years or so, but I want to be more grounded all of the time, not keep going up and down as I do.

I tried to see a therapist recently and literally forgot to attend the first apppointment - she didn't return my calls when I tried to re-arrange. Which was probably not such a bad thing because I really could not afford the sessions anyhow. (I think I may have mentioned this here before - apologies if so).

There must be a way to get myself on more of an even keel. A lot of it is to do with not worrying so much about what other people think of me - which is a pre-occupation of mine, and an extremely damaging one, but something that seems to exert a continuous pull for some reason. It comes back to that insecurity I felt as a child, I think.

Anyhow. At least I am taking action now, instead of sitting around feeling bad, which I have been doing for the last couple of weeks. The catalyst was that one morning last week when Toddler was at play school I had half an hour free and felt absolutely lost. It felt horrible. Which I have now realised is due to the fact that usually I overfill my days to avoid facing myself and my self-destructive thoughts.

Anyway. I don't want this to be a miserable blog, so I'll stop here. On the bright side, at least I have the capacity to reason out my problems and try to deal with them - which means that I am making progress already. And on the even brighter side, a trip to the shops and library with my stunning and smart little daughter beckons - so I am off to get on with that. X.

No comments:

Post a Comment