Friday, 20 January 2012

Schizophrenia and Blogging

Hello Everyone

It feels a bit odd to be blogging at the moment, because quite a few people who know me now read this blog.  Obviously because I tell them about it, but then sometimes I forget who I have told.  So everything that I write here, which used to be private, is now public.  And half of my friends must be struggling not to fall asleep whenever I speak because they have read all about my days' doings, plus my thoughts on those doings, already (and perhaps they were not so interesting the first time; they certainly won't be the second). 

What I need to do is to develop my listening skills, and not talk so much - because this blog now speaks for me.

Anyway, I have been so busy and distracted this week that I have had to keep reminding myself to eat.  I am glad it is the weekend.  Today I almost forgot to walk the dog, which is always the highlight of my day, and of course hers.  She got a short run down to the school in the end, so at least that was something.  But I realise that, much fun as the week has been, now I need to calm down.  So that is what I am going to do.  Ommm....

Things are going swimmingly though.  There is a possibility of some proper, paid work in the pipeline, for a local mental health organisation which I respect and would love to be involved with.  My writing group is very nearly up and running.  My book is selling - modestly, but I keep hoping that it will take off properly at some point.  Perhaps it might become a bestseller?  Stranger things have happened after all, some of them to me. 

And I am more relaxed than I have ever been - which I realise sounds odd after I have just announced that I need to calm down.  What I mean is that my anxiety is in retreat - after all these years I finally seem to be combating my awfully raw nerves, and winning.  I think this is a process that began when I went on my writing course in Devon last October, but recent improvement has been quite marked.  I think this is partly due to the course of CBT I have been having, and partly because of the improvements in my circumstances - the possibility of a career at last, and not just a career but a writing career; my dream come true.

I apologise if I am getting on anybody's nerves with all this.  I am not smug and boastful, however much it may sound that way.  I am actually quite disbelieving.  I am still prepared for all this to be an illusion - to find out that I am at the high end of a manic episode and may be dragged screaming out of the door tomorrow morning. 

Every morning that I wake up after a good night's sleep is a pleasant relief.  I am still here, I am still sane.  By the end of the day, exhausted, doubt sets it.  I don't know how long my good fortune will have to continue before I start to properly believe in it.  But I am going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts. 

Best of wishes for the best of health

Louise x

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