Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Schizophrenia and Meetings

Hi Everyone

I went to a Meeting today! Traditionally I don't do meetings - this dates back to my University days when I used to get panic attacks during seminars.  My anxiety is at its worst with groups of people in enclosed spaces.

That said, it went very well.  I had a couple of moments, but I weathered them.  It helped that the subject of the meeting interested me - it was about service provision in the local area.  It was open to the public, so I went along to moot my writing group, and I learned some interesting things and met some interesting people along the way.

What struck me about it was, as I said to Paul when I got home, that it was just like being in the working world.  In fact, most of the people at the meeting were working - only two of us were not being paid for being there.  And I know it was only one meeting, but the fact that I participated in it shows, in a way, that I am capable of being part of the working world. 

It may sound obvious that I could be part of the working world, but my perception of myself has been so narrowed for so long, that I honestly believed I was not capable of much at all.  So the meeting was liberating - and it opens out all sorts of other possibilities.

Life is very exciting just now - but I do need to be selective about what choices I make from here.  I am tempted to rush straight into work - but that isn't practical; the kids need me, and I need the family home as a base to keep me solid.  So I am going to be self-employed for now, unless some amazing part-time opportunity presents itself.  I will also do some voluntary work, as I had planned.

I want to leave enough time to pursue my writing as a main activity - because that is what matters to me, and where I believe I can make the most difference.  Stop press news - a paper copy of my book is due to be issued in the next week (as regular readers know, so far it has only been available to read online).  It will be a bit pricey - ten or twelve poounds - but will fulfil a purpose for those people who only like to read in print.  It will also fulfil a purpose for me - how exciting it will be, to have an actual book to wave around! 

Must go now - it is late, considering that I am tapping away and that I have been on the go since early afternoon.  I have to take care not to get overwrought with all these recent changes.  So I am going to watch some nice relaxing TV, and then drift off to sleep. 

All the best to all of you

Louise x

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